No Light at the End of This Dark and Cold Tunnel

2012-11-08-nononono

Once again has come a time, when everything just sucks. I really don’t know, what is wrong with me. Well, I know, my brain stopped cooperating with me again.  It’s almost two weeks now, since it got really bad, I have anxiety attacks almost every day, yesterday I actually spend most of my energy to suppressing anxiety in a hope to went through the day. It’s like there’s no end of this dark hole I’m in. The worst part is the self-loathing, when half of my head is screaming at me, that I’m weak, ugly, terrible girlfriend, just the worst person ever living on this Earth. I cried so many times, I’m feeling like crying right now…

I’m the worst, torturing myself and everyone… Is it going to be like this all my life? It’s been two weeks, I tried to do things, I started with yoga at home, but all I really want is to just sleep all the time. Because being awake is just walking in a really dark cold tunnel without any light at the end. Nothing makes sense, really. Why should I try? Why should I keep going, when in the end it feels like there is no sense in wasting my energy?

2011-10-13-a bad day

I wish I could stop blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for being alone this evening, because my boyfriend is at a ball with his friend. And I know she has a boyfriend and I know he loves me, but I also know she is much hotter than me and also much better dancer and much better company. It’s like I destroyed everything. He wanted to buy the tickets there for my birthday, so we could go together, but I refused to go because of the way I look. I’m fat and ugly, I don’t want to embarrass him with my presence. I told him I’m ok with him going with someone else, because I don’t want to destroy his life just because I’m a fat piece of sh*t. I destroyed so many things by now because of the way I look, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m fat and ugly, it’s my fault and I’m the one that should pay the price. It just hurts so much inside, I want to scream, but I cannot. So I drink and cry. I don’t want to hurt myself, but the get the pain away is so big! I wish I could be with him, seing him handsome in suit, dancing…but I couldn’t do it. I just think about the people seeing him with a girl much more beautiful than me… They must think that he has it much better now than with me. I wish to go out with him, to spend time outside, laughing, feeling good, just doing things together. But we don’t do together almost anything. I’m not in a mood to do anything, I feel so bad about myself…and I’m so scared he will leave me, because why would anyone want to be with me, it’s so difficult, he will want to have a normal girl, not me…

I have a work meeting tomorrow, so I cannot have scars, but I could have long sleeves or something. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore! All this darkness and coldness and pain. And thinking that there are so many things I could do, but at the end it feels like wasting energy… Why would anyone want to be with me? Why would they bother… I know I should be positive and everything, but I’m exhausted by just trying to live. I know it will get better, eventually, but the waiting is trying to kill me, destroy me. I know it will get better, someday, but honestly… I don’t believe it. It will always be hard, it will always be dark and cold, there will always be some little corner in my head making me feel bad. And I’m so exhausted, but not tired to go and sleep. I’m awake enough to make every thought hit me like a whip, burning inside, making me want to rip my chest open…but it won’t go away, no matter how much I wish it would. It’s just hopelessness, darkness and cold…

2012-02-23-Down down down

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What Was I Waiting For?!

When I was fifteen or so, I realized that the “strange” feelings, thoughts and emotions I had had for some years already, are depressions. I felt terrible, because I was taught that I should be strong and should be able to deal with everything. And I wasn’t. I was eighteen, almost nineteen, when I went to psychiatrist and got antidepressants. I was twenty-three, when I decided to visit psychologist.

I was twenty-three just about nine months ago… And things got much better after that! I can’t keep asking myself “what took you so long?!”. I could have been so much better now, if I had started years ago, as my boyfriend wanted me to. To be honest, sometimes I get pretty angry at myself, but on the other hand, what was I supposed to do, I was fifteen when I realized the nature of my problems. I was ashamed to tell my parents, because I knew they wanted me to be strong and I thought they had enough problems with my older sister and her kind of emotional teenage years and just emotional life. I didn’t want them to have more problems, I wanted them to love me and I thought they wouldn’t, if they knew. I was ashamed of myself. I wanted to kill myself when I was fifteen, because I thought I didn’t deserve to live in this world. I tried so hard to fit in my class, to fit among people, but I always felt apart. I always felt much older, I felt like I’m not even from this world. I felt such pain inside and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was fifteen! At this age, I also “learnt” from my “friends” that I shouldn’t trust people. I had a group of friends, I thought it was the kind of group that stays forever. I tried to told them, I tried to explain, but all I heard was that I was too touchy and close and they turned away. They spoke ill about me behind my back, they bullied me and to this day I remeber one thing one of them told me…he said that if I really wanted to kill myself, I would do it and not only talk about, that I just wanted attention. Such thing really helps a mind that can store all those bad things… And it really “helped” me to think that I can tell something like that to my parents.

I finally went to psychiatrist for the pills when I was eighteen and legally adult, so I didn’t have to tell my parents about it. The pills helped, they helped a lot, but I despised myself even more for being weak, for not being able to deal with it on my own. The guy I dated at the time, I think he actually broke up with me because of my illness. I know he had hard time being with me, I was emotional and all, but in anger, he also said things I remeber to this day. I know he said one day, that he is tired because he had to spend his time worring what I was going to do without him guarding me. I have new boyfriend now, well, “new” as we are almost four years together, but to this day, I’m afraid he will leave me, because he will realize that he can’t live with me, that I’m too much trouble, too much worrying, too much emotions and just too much… I know I’m hurting him with these doubts, but after all this and much more, I have really hard time believing I’m worth all this trouble I cause.

I went to psychologist after I almost broke down before graduating university. Me and my boyfriend argued a lot, I was nervous, it was just too much… I started cutting myself, which was something I hadn’t done for a really long time. I felt so much pain I wasn’t able to stand it. I felt like it’s going to cut me from inside. I stopped caring if anyone see the cuts. I actually showed to them to one of my college friends, who said in a very disapproving voice that I didn’t need to do that. Yeah, like she knew anything… So I went to the psychologist and almost broke into tears there. I was just so exhausted, to this day I have no idea how I was able to study for my exams, pass them and actually pass them well. I wished someone would come and place me into some hospital, where I wouldn’t have to do anything and people would just tell me what to do, because thinking was so much trouble…

But, things got better, I even talked to my parents and told them the truth. They took it pretty well, it was hard for them, it’s still pretty hard, but our relationship have gotten much much better since and I’m grateful for that. And I keep thinking, why didn’t I go to a psychologist before? I knew where to go, I just felt like I have to deal with it on my own, otherwise I’m weak. I get pretty angry at myself fromt time to time, because I could have saved myself so much trouble and pain, if I just decided to go to this psychologist earlier. I know it’s something I need to forgive myself and I’m trying, but…

So if you’re out there, having problems, please don’t wait and find some help. The pain it’s not worth the waiting and there are qualified people, who can help you. I know it’s hard, I know nobody wants to admit these problems, but please, do it for youself. Things will get better, you will get better!

On Facebook/Scared Little Girl

So, I just launched my Facebook page, where I will post all the blogs. To be honest, I’m really scared… I invited my friends and those are people who meet me, some of them every day. And there are some of them, who know nothing about my problems. I’m still not used to calling it illness… What will they think? And does it matter? It shouldn’t. And I was thinking about this blog for so long that I should be happy to just start and “educate” people. The problem is… I’m not good at being brave. I act like a hero, fighting again and again, but deep inside, I’m just a scared little girl. I have spent years building protective walls, so nobody could see me, hurt me. I have covered every weakness, so nobody could use it against me…

And now, it’s new beginning. I want to feel proud, I want to feel brave, but I can’t. I feel so exposed, so vulnerable. I decided to show the world exactly the spot, where you can hit me and I will fall. And I decided to share my history, my totally deep feelings and memories, just to help you all out there understand…

So my thought for tonight is…please don’t hurt me, not too much. I know that nobody out there can hurt me and hate me as much as I can hurt and myself, when “the demons come”. I know I am the one I should be afraid of. But no, I am afraid of the world… and life itself.