Lonely Rant From a Lonely Scared Girl

Soooo…. I’m fucked up. Yeah, nice way to greet you all after such a long time. I have several post in the middle of writing, but left them. Probably finish them soon, because they are very real and accurate. But right now, it’s this.

I’m… anxious, depressed, scared, angry, there are lot of emotions in my head running wild, I’ve been fighting exhausting anxiety attack whole day. Right now, I’m drowning it in alcohol, good old alcohol. Very mature and very adult, I know. Like I’m either of those things anyway.

So what got me in such a “great” mood? I  have a job, an actual fultime job, not in my field, but earning money anyway. And I’m already screwing up. Or at least my mind is. Or my body. I can’t really tell anymore. I’m ok with the job, it’s not the best one, but I earn at least some money and not be burden for my parents. I’m not excited about the job, but I’m ok with it. But my health is getting worse. I’m trying to convince myself that it will get better that I will get used to all of that, getting up early, being with people all the time, with all their noise and emotions and all that. I’m sick and anxious every day. My hands shake, I get nauseous, light-headed, tired… it’s just… too much? And it’s scary, more than I say. Because what if I can’t work at a normal job, even if I more or less like it? I don’t want to depend on my parents. Or my husband. I want to work, why can’t I work?!

I’m scared. And angry. I didn’t choose to be like this. My bullies made me this way. They damaged me, broke me… Why do I have to pay for what they did? Why my life has to be so hard, when they are just ok? Why I have to fight for everything, when it’s not my fault that I’m like this?! It’s… scary. And exhausting. I want to work. I want to contribute to society, whatever that means. I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m damaged goods, I guess. I feel like it. I broke down today, I cried… three times? Then I took my anxiety pill. And now I’m trying to not think about it.

And it comes back, the thought asking “Why I can’t just be normal?”. Like other people, functioning adult. I…wish I was pregnant. Than my life would have direction and meaning. But my husband doesn’t want kids just yet. He wants kids, but the thought of me being pregnant right now scares him. And I thought he was the one who couldn’t wait to have a child. I’m afraid that when I get pregnant, his family will be all in our lives, controlling it and all that, they’re all so close…

What do I do? I tried to be normal, to fit in those stupid boxes, to have a normal job, work, be normal. But I’m not and what if I never am.

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Putting Pieces of My Life Back Together

I had a very strange experience today. I went to visit my grandmother, nothing special about that, it’s usually a not very interesting hour or two of talk about everything and nothing. Especially since my mother stopped talking to her parents and I got the feeling they actually don’t know how to approach me. Well, this afternoon was different and very different and it changed my life a lot, to be honest. I think, that I’m finally putting pieces of my life back together.

For some background here, several years ago, my grandparents decided to give their cottage to their son. They just told that to my mum and expected her to accept it without any problems. My mum didn’t accept it, she was hurt, because she felt it as another thing in a long line of neglect. She felt that she was robbed of her second home and that her brother was the preffered one, something she had felt her whole life. And my uncle had some problems of his own at the time…he still has. So they argued, very badly, and she cut her family out, pretty much completely. It was a time my heart, my soul and my life shattered into pieces so small I thought I would never be able to put them back together. I thought my family was loving and close, but suddenly it wasn’t so and my life changed, a lot. I no longer believed in happy families and I didn’t know what to do. I crashed the floor harder than I ever thought possible. My mum told me some things about her childhood and teenage years that explained a lot about her having difficulty expressing feelings for me and my sister and whole lot of stuff. I wanted to ask my grandparents for years, how they felt and feel. Don’t they mind that we aren’t a family anymore? But I was terrified and didn’t know how to start such a conversation. Today, I got the answer. It wasn’t easy and it was painful, but it opened new door for me.

I came to my grandmother and we talked as usual. My life, my future plans, my new tattoo and everything was as usual until my college fee came across and I mentioned I have a bit of reduction for health reasons and she asked what health reasons. So I decided not to pretend anymore and just told her about my problems, about my depression and anxiety. She told me some stuff my mother told me, that all people have problems and so on, but she was also more understanding. She said that probably nobody really understands if they don’t have the experience, which is more than my mum ever said. And then she started talking, a lot, about my mum and their problems. She gave me the point of view I needed so much. I won’t go in many details, because it was personal, but I understood, I felt, how hurt she was. She and my grandfather were trying to do the right thing as they saw it and my mum just cut them off. I feel bitter… I understand both of them, both their sides, I know they are both hurt and yet I cannot do anything. I cannot tell one or the other to talk to the other side. They are grown-ups…but it hurts to think that my grandmother might die and never feel that her daughter loves her. And I think she does, that’s why she’s always so mean… And I wonder, why life has to be so complicated… I wish to fix this, but I can’t, I can’t tell them to just talk to each other, when both feel they did nothing wrong.

I also told my grandmother, how I felt about it, that it hurt me how things fell apart. That we were happy family and suddenly we weren’t. That I was confused and that it still hurts. That I’m afraid of my own wedding, because I’m worried that they’ll argue there. That it hurts that I can’t invite all my family, because my mum would literally kill me, if I invited my uncle and aunt. Or she would refuse to go. She said so when she thought I’m thinking about it. Well, not the killing part, but she was pretty shocked… I’m the last one to defend my mum, because I know how difficult she can be. I know she has hard time admitting her mistakes and she remebers every single bad thing someone told her or done to her. However, I do get her, I get her point of view as much as I get my grandma. Her daughter just cut her off, she doesn’t call and doesn’t care, she’s acting like she’s not interested, and all for some piece of property. My mum sees it differently, but again, I don’t want to put myself in the middle of this.

Weird thing is, I talked about the real reasons I quitted my job last week and about the real things I want to do with my life. I was open about how her I about what I felt and I wasn’t judged… My grandmother listened to me and even acted like she understood! Did she really? I don’t know, but she was at least trying to be supportive, she listened to my fears about my future, my problems, I told her honestly why I have problems connecting with my sister and for the first in looooong time, someone from my family actually listened. Really listened. Perhaps not agreed and I didn’t agree with everything she said, but she did listen! And I realised one thing, not only is my mum very much like her mother, even though she don’t want to admit it, but I’m very much like my grandmother. And this day, maybe, was a beginning. The day we both might be able to put our lives back together. I feel so, not as the child I used to be, but as an adult woman. It hurts to let go of past illusions, but it feel lifting to get this new relationship. I decided today to try and give this a chance. Call my grandmother more often, talk to her when she’s back in town and just try. It’s worth the effort, if I can put my life back together. It won’t ever be the same. I will always feel hurt at my boyfriend’s family parties, where they are all happy and together, but I have chance. A chance to have someone in my family, who gets me or at least tries to. And who supports me openly, with all her heart. Because that’s what my grandmother told me, that she loves and that she will support me if I ever need anything.

I hope I shed some light into her life today and that we gave each other hope that at least the two of us together can have a realtionship. I still feel confused about my feelings and not sure what to think, but at least there’s hope. A hope I might be able to put myself and my life back together.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind. Friendship Dies.

Will it always be like this? I stop seeing someone and somehow any feelings we had for each other just vanish into the air? I’m not sure how many times I can survive this, I feel shredded inside. I always just wanted to belong, to be loved and accepted, but for some reason, every time I thought I had it, I woke up to realize that it was just a dream.

It’s not that I don’t have friends, I have, it’s just… I always wished for a group of people to go out, have fun, spend time and just be a part of something. I kind of lost my best friend, because our ways separated. K., I know you will probably read this and I just want to say that I don’t blame you, even if it sounds like it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss our talks and laughs about anything and everything, talking about boys, life, problems, supporting each other. I miss it, terribly, and the gap between now is painful. But I don’t blame you or me, I guess that’s just life works… You grow up and lose things dear to you. Or may be I should have tried harder to keep in touch.

I remember I had a group of friends at high school, we went to movies, had parties, but it didn’t work out in the end. Problems emerged, my depressions got worse at the time and they ended up psychologically bullying me. Later, they blamed me, because I was depressed and for that obviously not deserving to be believed. Yeah, my so called friends told my parents about suicidal thoughts I had had year before and used it against me, that it was actually my own fault, the way they behaved, and also that I shouldn’t be believed, because I’m not normal. I guess that’s when I stopped trusting other people, it took me months to persuade my mum that I’m ok. It wasn’t truth, but seeing her so shocked and hurt, I just couldn’t tell her. Unfortunatelly this also prevented me from telling them the truth sooner then last year, I was afraid to hurt them again. And I learned an important lesson about people. When you open up, you get stabbed in the back. Funny that I was good enough for those people to help them with their problems, but when I needed help, they kicked me out of the group. I sometimes wonder, what would happen, if they supported and helped me instead. How different I would be…

I thought university would be different, because that’s were you form your friendships for life, right? Well, yes and no. I made new friendships, but most of them ended, when we graduated. I got together with some classmates pretty early the first year at university and it was great. We went to pubs, talked about school and everything, I thought that this was it, these people were the ones, my group to belong to. It worked pretty great, I guess. Although before graduation, I sometimes felt like a third wheel again, but I thought that I was just stressed out and imagining things. But after getting our bachelor’s degree, they mostly continued in the same program for master’s, but I went to study something else. I’m still in the same town, at the same school and faculty, but since then, they never invited me anywhere. And I know they do things, because I still have them on facebook and I see the photos. Do I blame them? I guess not. Does it hurt anyway? Yes, it does, a lot.

Is this how world works? You stop spending almost every day with someone and the relationship just fades away? Or is it my fault? Am I this weird person, that nobody wants to be around? It cannot be that we just forget people we used to care about, right? It must be my fault, somehow. Otherwise, it seems cruel and lonely to live like this. And don’t worry, I’m not suicidal when I say this, just mentally exhausted, hurt, lonely, lost and… I just cannot understand this. I just want to belong somewhere, to know there are people who care, not feel like I could just leave and barely anybody would notice. Do I just pick wrong people? Or do they somehow feel that I’m different and they just remove me without even thinking about it? Will I always feel this way? Will it always hurt this much or will I grow cold and get used to this? Am I the only one who feels like this? I’m exhausted, confused and abandoned. I guess I wish just too much when I want to belong somewhere, although I thought that it was a simple wish.

Wearing a Mask

What does it feel to live with depression? Mostly, it feels like wearing a mask. I have worn it most of my life and only recently put it down, occasionally. I have learnt to act very well, for the sake of the people I love.

For me, it speaks volume what my mum said when I told her about my problems a year ago. She was surprised, she never suspected anything. Why should she, I made the effort not to let her know. On surface, I was normal girl, I wasn’t super popular, but I had some friends, I was a good student and daughter, there was nothing wrong with me, right? Well, there was, a lot. I don’t remeber how many times I have hid my feelings, how much strenght did it take not to show anything. I learnt to cry silently, not to wake up my sister or anyone, I learnt to take a few deep breaths before entering home, to calm down and look happy. When I didn’t understand what was going on with me, I didn’t know how to express it and when I knew, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially my parents.

I felt… guilty. Guilty of being unhappy when I had almost everything. My parents are not rich, but they have always done a lot for me and my sister. They let me go on pretty much every foreign trip with school, they even let me go to London on my own and I was barely eighteen! Yes, my sister studied there, but I spent all they on my own, travelling through the big city, I have been to England about five or six times so far, I have been to Spain and to Netherlands also. Yes, my parents say it’s because they supported my sister in London, so they had felt guilty of not allowing me something similar, but still… I really had nothing to complain about, yet I wasn’t happy. Most of my teen years my sister was in London, so crying in bed was possible, since nobody could hear me. I hurt, badly, I felt lost and ashamed of myself. I couldn’t tell my parents, I was afraid of hurting them and I didn’t want to hurt them, at any cost. At since I paid the cost, it was ok, right? I felt that I deserved it, I was ungrateful person, so I deserved the pain.

I still wear the mask, very often. I don’t want to be a nuisance. I know people have their own lives and they don’t need me to add to their problems. The only problem is that it turns againt me sometimes. Recently, my partner told me he has felt like I don’t let him be close, I don’t let him help me with anything. Sadly, that is true, my quest for not being a burden has taking interesting twist with me rather doing everything than to ask for help. So after being together for almost five years, my boyfriend still feels that I don’t let him close to me and I don’t let us be a team. The things is, I don’t know how to do this. I’m afraid, that if I let him close, he finds me too difficult to live with and leaves me. Pathetic, right?

I honestly don’t know how to get from this circle, sometimes I wish to be literally invisible not to stand in anyone’s way and I would appologize for asking even something important. I don’t speak about worries or wishes, I would do anything to make people happy. Because most of all, I’m afraid to let people see me, because I’m convinced, that they would leave me. So I wear a mask and I’m really good at it.

Going Down on a Roller-Coaster of My Life. Again.

Once again, my disorder is messing with my life. This weekend I was supposed to have a workshop with our school choir, but no, not for me. Not that I don’t want to go there, I was looking forward to it for weeks. I love singing and I fancy myself to be a good singer, at least a little bit. But no “dreams come true” for me, I guess.

The thing I have always wanted the most is to belong somewhere. To have a group of people I could call friends, who would love me and accept me for who I am. People I could laugh with and go out and have fun. But every time I thought that this is it, this is where I belong, it ends. At the beginning of this semester, I thought it again. People from school started to meet every Monday, started a choir, it was great and I was happy. And then my brain decided that happiness is not for me. I want to go out with people, but every time I’m happy and excited, it last only for a while and then it starts feeling bad, like really bad. It’s like a candle that burned too quickly and now it’s darkness. I start to feel that people think I was stupid, embarrasing, fat, terrible and so on and it just destroys my happy memories.

And this week, my anxiety got so much worse. I have problems falling asleep, but when I do sleep, I have nightmares, really vivid nightmares, that leave me restless and disoriented for most of day. I’m tired, because I don’t really get some rest during nights, I feel pressured to do some work, do things I have to do, go to school, find a job, be independent, start writing diploma thesis and so on and so on and…my brain just got overload, which means depression and anxiety. Leaving the flat seems scary, with so many noises. At random times, some noise gets into my head and it seems much louder than it is and I got anxiety attact. When I’m outside, I try to control it, I push my boundaries to calm down, because nobody wants to meet a freak like that. Unfortunatelly, this builds up the pressure and takes a lot of strength, which ultimately leads to more attacks and worsening of symptoms.

Right now, I feel like I’m going to break down any second. Every thought scares me, I don’t see any meaning in even trying to be normal and I’m tired of all this. I just want to be normal, live normal life, have friends, go out and be happy. But I’m not and I don’t know, if this change sometime in the future. I really wanted to go this workshop, have great time with friends, may be go for a beer or two after it, sing and be happy. Instead, all I have is fear of noise and fear of silence, exhaustion and fear of sleep, lot of work to do and no will to do it, desperate wish to belong somewhere and be appreciated for my skills and fear of going out, fear of what people really think.

To My Dad. You Will Probably Never Read This, But You’re the Best

I’m getting more crazy than usually… Or more drunk. Or something in between or something totally different. I just saw new trailer for Star Wars VII and it just brings so many memories. SW is one of the things I share with my dad, but it also made me realize how I don’t know him. Don’t worry, my dad is still alive, but still. Just this past year I slowly learned to tell my parents that I love them. But I also learned, that I don’t know my parents. Especially my dad.

When I was pretty young, he started working in another city, commuting there for better job and better pay; my mother was pretty much the “boss” of our family since then. But my dad has always been the one to support my sister and me in our reading habbits, we have lot of fantasy and especially science fiction at home. We had had Lord of the Rings way before the movies, before it became fashionable, the same with Hobbit. My sister got some big books full of illustrations inspired by Tolkien years before LOTR came to cinemas. And yes, I loved Legolas way before Orlando Bloom :-).

I remember being really young (I guess about four five years old) and my dad watching some movie, on VHS, rented, so yes, it was yeeaaars agoooo. I really liked some whistling robot, but my dad told me I was too young for this movie and he would rent it again when I would be old enough. Yes, it was Star Wars, but I don’t know what episode, four or five I guess. I remember watching the movies years later on TV and my classmates laughing at me for my teenage crush on Han Solo, because the actor is like generation older than me. Strangely, most of my favourite actors are generation or more older (Sean Bean, Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons…and that’s just some…). But yes, I fell in love with SW, I think episode two is the one I went to see with my dad. I also remeber seeing episode three two times in cinema, but no longer with my dad.

When I heard the title melody tonight I just cried. It’s something connecting me to a man I wish I knew better, but don’t know how. It’s like me saving his old guitar, out of tune and not really repairable, but it’s something his, something I don’t want to give up. I wish to have the courage to talk to him. I love him, he’s my dad, but I know so little about him. Crazily, my fiancé is a lot similar to my dad. Crazy, or common, I don’t know. One day I will be watching SW and crying, because I will remember my dad and all this. SW will always mean my dad, always.

 

Dad, you probably won’t never read this, but I love you. You’re the best dad I could ever wish for and I’m so proud to be your daughter. Love you Dad.

No Light at the End of This Dark and Cold Tunnel

2012-11-08-nononono

Once again has come a time, when everything just sucks. I really don’t know, what is wrong with me. Well, I know, my brain stopped cooperating with me again.  It’s almost two weeks now, since it got really bad, I have anxiety attacks almost every day, yesterday I actually spend most of my energy to suppressing anxiety in a hope to went through the day. It’s like there’s no end of this dark hole I’m in. The worst part is the self-loathing, when half of my head is screaming at me, that I’m weak, ugly, terrible girlfriend, just the worst person ever living on this Earth. I cried so many times, I’m feeling like crying right now…

I’m the worst, torturing myself and everyone… Is it going to be like this all my life? It’s been two weeks, I tried to do things, I started with yoga at home, but all I really want is to just sleep all the time. Because being awake is just walking in a really dark cold tunnel without any light at the end. Nothing makes sense, really. Why should I try? Why should I keep going, when in the end it feels like there is no sense in wasting my energy?

2011-10-13-a bad day

I wish I could stop blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for being alone this evening, because my boyfriend is at a ball with his friend. And I know she has a boyfriend and I know he loves me, but I also know she is much hotter than me and also much better dancer and much better company. It’s like I destroyed everything. He wanted to buy the tickets there for my birthday, so we could go together, but I refused to go because of the way I look. I’m fat and ugly, I don’t want to embarrass him with my presence. I told him I’m ok with him going with someone else, because I don’t want to destroy his life just because I’m a fat piece of sh*t. I destroyed so many things by now because of the way I look, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m fat and ugly, it’s my fault and I’m the one that should pay the price. It just hurts so much inside, I want to scream, but I cannot. So I drink and cry. I don’t want to hurt myself, but the get the pain away is so big! I wish I could be with him, seing him handsome in suit, dancing…but I couldn’t do it. I just think about the people seeing him with a girl much more beautiful than me… They must think that he has it much better now than with me. I wish to go out with him, to spend time outside, laughing, feeling good, just doing things together. But we don’t do together almost anything. I’m not in a mood to do anything, I feel so bad about myself…and I’m so scared he will leave me, because why would anyone want to be with me, it’s so difficult, he will want to have a normal girl, not me…

I have a work meeting tomorrow, so I cannot have scars, but I could have long sleeves or something. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore! All this darkness and coldness and pain. And thinking that there are so many things I could do, but at the end it feels like wasting energy… Why would anyone want to be with me? Why would they bother… I know I should be positive and everything, but I’m exhausted by just trying to live. I know it will get better, eventually, but the waiting is trying to kill me, destroy me. I know it will get better, someday, but honestly… I don’t believe it. It will always be hard, it will always be dark and cold, there will always be some little corner in my head making me feel bad. And I’m so exhausted, but not tired to go and sleep. I’m awake enough to make every thought hit me like a whip, burning inside, making me want to rip my chest open…but it won’t go away, no matter how much I wish it would. It’s just hopelessness, darkness and cold…

2012-02-23-Down down down