Fading Away

2014-11-28-Surprise

Basically my life these past days, weeks, months…? I don’t even know anymore. I was radiosilent for long long looong time, I can’t even remember when was the last time I wrote a post here. But don’t worry, I’m the same mess I used to be. Yeah… I’m getting sarcastic, can’t help it. Mostly because being sarcastic and ironic is the last step before breaking.

I don’t even know where to begin. Oh, my list of meds got longer. I used to be on one, now I take a nice mix of three different antidepressants and my therapist asked me in December if I had thought about getting hospitalized, because I told her I’m numb and mostly I just want to die, because I’m exhausted and I can’t see any light in my future. I got better, at least a bit. I still want to die sometimes, mostly when I feel trapped in my life and my head, there were times when I almost admitted myself to hospital. But when I think of being alone with bunch of strangers, that’s even worse, so… Also, my cats wouldn’t understand where I am and I don’t want to hurt my babies, they had enough hardship for most of their life, I don’t want to add to that.

If you remember, I ranted here last year that the 2016 is going to be very stressful for me, because it’s a big change for me, finishing studies, getting married, looking for job, moving out of my parents for good and all that. Well… it all went mostly well, until we were supposed to move in to our new flat, because the flat wasn’t finished. So for about six months we lived with my in-laws. I like them, but living under the same roof was way to much for me.

Anyway… I got a job and then I had such bad psychosomatic symptoms that I had to quit. That really “helped” my self-esteem. I really wnted to be good at that job, it wasn’t anything great, just your standard office rat, but I would get some money and the job was ok, my co-workers were mostly nice… But within a month, I started to feel dizzy even when sitting down, I was losing balance and couldn’t concentrate at all, turned out my anxiety decided it’s time to sabotage my life yet again. Now I’m freelancer, munching money from my parents and husband, because I have yet to get enough work to earn anything. Yep, it feels great.

I’m trying hard to breath and stay above water. I’m having regular therapy sessions, I also got into group therapy, which is in another town and I had to learn to drive again. I did, I’m not super excellent driver yet, but it’s at least one success. The group therapy is terrible. I mean, it’s good, the people are nice, but it’s terrible for me. The first session I dissociated so hard I couldn’t even remember basic words and couldn’t concentrate on anything. I just mentally wasn’t there. Generally, I think the therapy will be good fo me, but I’ll tell you in April, when it’s finished.

Going to regular therapy opened a lot of wounds and it’s hard to deal with them. I accepted that I’m having PTSD from being bullied for years. I have to face the problematic relationship I have with my mother, because it’s pretty unhealthy, bit abusive and manipulative, but I know my mum doesn’t do that intentionally and I don’t want to hurt her, yet communicating with her is very unpredictable.

Sometimes, I would just love to disappear and not have to deal with all this. I would just love to feel normal.

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Lonely Rant From a Lonely Scared Girl

Soooo…. I’m fucked up. Yeah, nice way to greet you all after such a long time. I have several post in the middle of writing, but left them. Probably finish them soon, because they are very real and accurate. But right now, it’s this.

I’m… anxious, depressed, scared, angry, there are lot of emotions in my head running wild, I’ve been fighting exhausting anxiety attack whole day. Right now, I’m drowning it in alcohol, good old alcohol. Very mature and very adult, I know. Like I’m either of those things anyway.

So what got me in such a “great” mood? I  have a job, an actual fultime job, not in my field, but earning money anyway. And I’m already screwing up. Or at least my mind is. Or my body. I can’t really tell anymore. I’m ok with the job, it’s not the best one, but I earn at least some money and not be burden for my parents. I’m not excited about the job, but I’m ok with it. But my health is getting worse. I’m trying to convince myself that it will get better that I will get used to all of that, getting up early, being with people all the time, with all their noise and emotions and all that. I’m sick and anxious every day. My hands shake, I get nauseous, light-headed, tired… it’s just… too much? And it’s scary, more than I say. Because what if I can’t work at a normal job, even if I more or less like it? I don’t want to depend on my parents. Or my husband. I want to work, why can’t I work?!

I’m scared. And angry. I didn’t choose to be like this. My bullies made me this way. They damaged me, broke me… Why do I have to pay for what they did? Why my life has to be so hard, when they are just ok? Why I have to fight for everything, when it’s not my fault that I’m like this?! It’s… scary. And exhausting. I want to work. I want to contribute to society, whatever that means. I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m damaged goods, I guess. I feel like it. I broke down today, I cried… three times? Then I took my anxiety pill. And now I’m trying to not think about it.

And it comes back, the thought asking “Why I can’t just be normal?”. Like other people, functioning adult. I…wish I was pregnant. Than my life would have direction and meaning. But my husband doesn’t want kids just yet. He wants kids, but the thought of me being pregnant right now scares him. And I thought he was the one who couldn’t wait to have a child. I’m afraid that when I get pregnant, his family will be all in our lives, controlling it and all that, they’re all so close…

What do I do? I tried to be normal, to fit in those stupid boxes, to have a normal job, work, be normal. But I’m not and what if I never am.

The Price of Sanity

I’ve made really not very pleasant discovery last week and that is what it costs to have long-term therapy.

I was seeing therapist for almost a year in my university town and it was great, it helped me a lot and the therapist was amazing. And it was covered by my insurance, which was also great help. Unfortunately, everything ends and so did my therapy, because in June I moved back to my home. So I went to see my psychiatrist here and asked for recommendation of new therapist, because the last one advised me to continue with the sessions. And I learned that I could get insurance payed one, but only short-term, which means about ten sessions and that’s it. If I want long term, I have to pay for it myself and it’s not small amount.

Personally, I think I could afford at least two sessions per month, that’s not the problem. I have the money, so I’m ok. But it got me thinking about the whole big picture. Imagine someone is having really bad depression and/or anxiety and it prevents them from having a regular job and supporting themselves. They are short of money and they are told that they get only ten sessions covered by insurance and if they want or need long-term therapy, they have to pay for it full. Which they can’t, because they can’t have a full-time job, so they don’t have the money to pay for the therapy that could help the get full-time job and get money and so on.

I guess other insurance companies might have better options, but honestly, I don’t believe it much. The one in my college town was probably only covered because it was in a support center for children and young adults. And I don’t know what is the solution, what is the way to get the help and support mentally ill people need. I just know it makes me sad and angry…

Fog In My Head

Fog around me,
In my head,
Can’t see you,
Can’t see myself.

Lost
In my head,
In this world,
Alone,
Yet surrounded by people,
Confused, hurting.

Everything’s wrong,
I’m wrong,
Damaged, Destroyed,
Crying while smiling.

In fog,
My head,
My future,
Me,Can’t see me,
Lost.

Have I lost myself,
Fog in my head,
Can’t think,
Never good enough,
Weak, scared.

What if
Nothing ever changes,
And the light
Never comes,
And the fog
Will surround me

Forever.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Hate creates hate. Fear creates fear. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. It’s like a snake that eats its tail. Where do we go from here?

I would like to know the right answer, because all I get is bunch of the wrongs ones. People saying “we should accept the immigrants” and people saying “we should just kick them back to their country” and people saying “we should just kill them all”. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

People say we need to help them, because they are in desperate situation. Hundreds of them drowned, hundreds of them are in terrible conditions and have nowhere to go. Literally, they can’t go back and they have problems moving forward. People say they are dangerous, they come here to destroy Europe. I see them spitting hate like saliva, their eyes red with fury and hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

It’s like there’s no longer any middle ground, you have to be this or you have to be that. You have to accept or you have to hate. What if both feels wrong? What if I can’t just say “accept them all”, because there might be danger among them, but I also can’t say “kill them all”, because they are in need. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I no longer know what to believe in, it’s like it’s two sides of one coin, you can see either one or the other, but never both. Where is the truth? And will we ever find it? And what if we don’t? Fear creates fear.

The people here scare me. Not the ones coming here, the ones that are here already. They hate and they miss the past. They miss Nazzi and Hitler and gass chambers, they want to shoot everyone who’s different. They attack women simply for having darker skin or wearing a scarf, because that’s a sure sign of dangerous Muslim… They fear and they hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

It’s like a bad dream, like we are heading to a tunnel and there is no light at the end of it. ISIS creates hate and fear, they spread it like a fire. Media takes it, because that’s what people want to see and want to hear, that’s what attracts viewers and readers. Fear and hate. No good news, that don’t sell, just fear and hate. Fear creates fear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

My heart is bleeding. Not only for Paris, although it was bad. My heart bleeds for this world, for our lives. Hate and fear is the theme and I know I’m not an exception. I might not hate, but I do fear. I spend most of the last months in a forced bubble, because any thought about the immigrants and the fear and the hate caused me anxiety so bad I couldn’t breath. I felt like there’s a poison in the air and with each breath I was slowly dying. Fear creates fear.

I don’t hate. I understand both sides. Does it make things easier? Do I feel like I know the answer? I wish to know where is the path, the one that doesn’t lead to distruction. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I wish we could see the light at the end of this tunnel. I wish God could show us the way. Fear creates frear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

Slovakian Referendum and All the Thoughts My Mind Created from It

This is my thoughts surrounding yesterday referendum in Slovakia. There is nothing super informed in this piece, I just need to clear my head from the huge amount of thoughts that is there.

The referendum was basically about homosexual weddings, homosexual pairs adopting children and sexual education. I have to say I’m glad it’s invalid because of the low turnout. I also have to say I didn’t read all the stuff connected to it and I didn’t follow Slovakian media, but all this just got me thinking. What is so wrong about homosexual weddings that some people feel the need to “protect society” from it? Why is it so bad that a homosexual couple would adopt children? Or that children would be educated about various sexual things at school?

Take the sexual education, the question was about obligatory sexual education that children would have to participate even their parents or themselves didn’t agree with content of the course. It’s weird, really. Probably every family nowadays has at least one computer with internet connection, children have smartphones with internet, how can someone think that they won’t know anything about sex unless they are taught that at school. And even if some parents decide to control every page their child visits, the children have friends who have internet, friends who have information… And sex is everywhere, look at some advertisement, so many adds I see have naked men or women, even if the product has nothing to do with them… so many adds are simply sexist. And what about songs or movies? That’s all full of interaction between people (and not only heterosexual), from flirting to anything else. When you don’t talk to your children about sex and everything connected with it (sexual abuse, contraceptive methods…) you’re just making them super vulnerable! And what if you decide to tell them that only heterosexual is normal and they “fail” to be that. Well, congratulations, you “created” a person, that will always be ashamed of who they are, that will never be opened to you and that will probably hate you because you made them hate themselves. What an accomplishment! (*sarcasm sign*) And if they are heterosexual, you’re spreading hatred anyway, which is still wrong, in my opinion.

And why are people so offended by anyone not heterosexual?! I hear tons of s**t about “traditional family” created only by man and woman, which really just makes me laugh. What is traditional family? If it is man and woman only, what about all those divorced couples? What about single parents? When people get divorced, should we take their children away, because they are no longer “traditional family”? Well, as far as I know, about 50% of couples get divorced, that’s a lot of children, what are we going to do with them. Another argument I keep hearing is that children need both man and woman role model, which also makes me super angry. Again, when a couple gets divorced, what role model is that? Or single parent, where is the other model? Well, they are usually replaced by someone else, another family member, may be a teacher… And how many children have such a great relationship with parents that they take them as a role model? Or what about abusive families, is that a good “traditional family”, because the parents are together? Or is that a good role model for children? I don’t think so.

And why so many people even insist on keeping marriage just for heterosexual couples! I understand why non-hetero people want it. I really want to get married one day and I cannot imagine not being able to just because of my orientation. For me, marriage is something amazing, something I truly wish for, without it the relationship just doesn’t feel completely right, but I’m heterosexual, so for me it’s not a problem. But I cannot imagine feeling this way about marriage and don’t have the opportunity to get married, that really feels terrible. Why should someone be denied this just because they aren’t heterosexual. And when a heterosexual couple doesn’t want to get married, should we deny them having children, because they are not “traditional family”? Some people just act like marriage is the most important thing in the world, when for many people it doesn’t mean a thing. For me, it’s important, for someone else, it’s not and that’s ok. But that doesn’t mean we should take away marriage from people that actually want to get married, take away they freedom to choose.

And why shouldn’t children be raised in a non-heterosexual family? Just because the couple cannot adopt a child, that doesn’t mean they cannot “obtain” a child some other way. Being heterosexual doesn’t automatically make someone a good parent, it’s about what kind of person they are, not about sexual orientation.

I just “love” all this talk about anything traditional and why should we change something etc etc etc… Well, some decades ago, a traditional family was man working, making money and controlling the family and woman sitting home, being good wife, not having any chance to express her opinion, no chance for education, no chance for career. Is this a traditional family? Or is it even more time ago, when woman was considered a man’s property, something being transfered from her father to her husband, without her having no right to say anything? Just because something has been in some state for some time doesn’t automatically mean it’s good.

Ok, end of my rant, I emptied my head of some opinions. All this hatred and prejudices and all makes me sad. Although I don’t have the experience of non-heterosexual people, I do know how it feels to be bullied, hated, how it feels hating myself, being depressed because of that… And I don’t think this is the right thing we as a society should deliberately create, that’s really wrong.