Just Hide All Sharp Objects

I just wish for this day to be over. I need to go to sleep, I’m tired, exhausted, but just getting to bed seems like to much work. I’m being crushed by the whole world, cold. I know I’m not good enough, never was and never will be. My anxiety is on super high level and so is my depression. As always, my head is split in two parts. One knows what is going on, I’m depressed and I should take my meds, go to sleep and get some rest. The other is clouded, foggy and cold, telling me “you know you’re ill, just take a grip and get over it, you’re just pathetic, weak and I hate being part of you”. For several days I’m figting my need to punish myself, avoind sharp objects especially, although I know it would bring me peace. I despise myself, it’s not hatred, more despising, because I’m weak, terrible, not good enough. I hear this in my head all the time “you’re not enough”. I don’t even know what “enough”, I just know I’m the worst person there is. My mind brings me the need to punish myself, to find release and I’m trying to fight, even though it’s just crushing me. I can’t breathe, hiding in my bubble, pretending emotions, going through my day. It gets exhausting, thinking this is my life, this roller-coaster ride up and down and spinning, hiding, running from myself, fighting, feeling lost and cold. Sometimes I’m not sure I’m able to stand this, I don’t know if I’m strong enough, feeling like I might break any second. Why can’t I just be good enough? For myself, good enough girlfriend, friend, student, person. I try harder and harder, but it’s never enough and I don’t know what to do. I’m exhausted always trying, always fighting, pushing boundaries to just endure more days, make through this day and the next and the next… Even if I think I’m ok, I don’t know, because I just don’t know what is normal, I’ve never been normal. It’s crushing me, I can’t breathe, can’t think, yet I have to, have to study, go to work, put on my normal face, pretending that no, I’m falling apart, I’m not walking on a wall risking painful fall all the time. Will it ever end?

At times, my sanity comes back, telling me I’m ok, it will be ok, it will pass. It feels like suddenly seing clearly, breathing freely, being alive… I wish for it to last.

2011-10-13-a bad day

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No Light at the End of This Dark and Cold Tunnel

2012-11-08-nononono

Once again has come a time, when everything just sucks. I really don’t know, what is wrong with me. Well, I know, my brain stopped cooperating with me again.  It’s almost two weeks now, since it got really bad, I have anxiety attacks almost every day, yesterday I actually spend most of my energy to suppressing anxiety in a hope to went through the day. It’s like there’s no end of this dark hole I’m in. The worst part is the self-loathing, when half of my head is screaming at me, that I’m weak, ugly, terrible girlfriend, just the worst person ever living on this Earth. I cried so many times, I’m feeling like crying right now…

I’m the worst, torturing myself and everyone… Is it going to be like this all my life? It’s been two weeks, I tried to do things, I started with yoga at home, but all I really want is to just sleep all the time. Because being awake is just walking in a really dark cold tunnel without any light at the end. Nothing makes sense, really. Why should I try? Why should I keep going, when in the end it feels like there is no sense in wasting my energy?

2011-10-13-a bad day

I wish I could stop blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for being alone this evening, because my boyfriend is at a ball with his friend. And I know she has a boyfriend and I know he loves me, but I also know she is much hotter than me and also much better dancer and much better company. It’s like I destroyed everything. He wanted to buy the tickets there for my birthday, so we could go together, but I refused to go because of the way I look. I’m fat and ugly, I don’t want to embarrass him with my presence. I told him I’m ok with him going with someone else, because I don’t want to destroy his life just because I’m a fat piece of sh*t. I destroyed so many things by now because of the way I look, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m fat and ugly, it’s my fault and I’m the one that should pay the price. It just hurts so much inside, I want to scream, but I cannot. So I drink and cry. I don’t want to hurt myself, but the get the pain away is so big! I wish I could be with him, seing him handsome in suit, dancing…but I couldn’t do it. I just think about the people seeing him with a girl much more beautiful than me… They must think that he has it much better now than with me. I wish to go out with him, to spend time outside, laughing, feeling good, just doing things together. But we don’t do together almost anything. I’m not in a mood to do anything, I feel so bad about myself…and I’m so scared he will leave me, because why would anyone want to be with me, it’s so difficult, he will want to have a normal girl, not me…

I have a work meeting tomorrow, so I cannot have scars, but I could have long sleeves or something. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore! All this darkness and coldness and pain. And thinking that there are so many things I could do, but at the end it feels like wasting energy… Why would anyone want to be with me? Why would they bother… I know I should be positive and everything, but I’m exhausted by just trying to live. I know it will get better, eventually, but the waiting is trying to kill me, destroy me. I know it will get better, someday, but honestly… I don’t believe it. It will always be hard, it will always be dark and cold, there will always be some little corner in my head making me feel bad. And I’m so exhausted, but not tired to go and sleep. I’m awake enough to make every thought hit me like a whip, burning inside, making me want to rip my chest open…but it won’t go away, no matter how much I wish it would. It’s just hopelessness, darkness and cold…

2012-02-23-Down down down

Accepting “Mentally Ill” Label

3.11.2014

I have to confess something. I don’t think I have accepted myself and depressions so far. There are moments when I feel proud in a way, proud of being different, perhaps have deeper understanding for people, but then there are moment or entire days like this, when I just feel like a piece of s**t. I guess I’m depressed or may be I just struggle to accept and embrace something, that is unacceptable for lot of people in my country.

About two weeks ago, a mentally ill woman attacked high school kids. I think she was schizophrenic and it was high school…but the point is, she killed a boy there. When I saw discussion sections under articles about it, it made me really sick. People just hating everyone labeled “mentally ill”, wanting to kill the woman, to select and imprison everyone mentally ill… And just a handful of people trying to criticize the system here, that takes care of mentally ill. Not one person asked “what about the woman, how she feels”. I know she killed a boy and I do pity his family, but after all this, I just have to wonder, how does the woman feel. I suppose she didn’t know what she was doing and suddenly she was accused of murder. And people were just standing in line to spit on her. To spit on everyone “not normall”. I felt sad and afraid. Afraid of the way people might see me, if they knew there are moments when I’m also not in control of myself. Those moments are quite few nowadays, but there are still…and they were. Moments when I hate myself so deeply I just want to do the world a favor and end my life. Moments when my hatred is so big I want my boyfriend to hurt me, to hit me, so I shout at him all sort of bad things in hope he’ll do it. Moments when I feel so cold inside and everything seems dark, while I stare in the air, eyes wide open in a warm light room. Where are the moments I wanted to run away, just run and run, so I ran in the middle of the road and I hoped a car would hit me. Thankfully, it was night and there was no car anywhere. Just my boyfriend hoping I would come back. And me feeling I just can’t take it anymore, I just can’t live this life anymore, just can’t be myself anymore. I did came back, my “normal” side managed to take control. And I felt even worse, knowing I hurt him so badly. Or the times when I felt there’s a voice inside my head ordering me to hurt myself, telling me I have no chance to win, to escape and one day, I would just fall and die. Deep down, I’m scared all the time that he would leave me. I see the life he has with me, the pain, the problems, the scenes and I’m scared that one day this will all be too much. It was too much for my ex and he didn’t even saw the worst of me.

How can I learn to accept this?! I can’t even tell anymore, when depressions are affecting the way I feel and when not. Is it all the time? Is it every time I’m sad? Is it now? Or am I just tired and under pressure? Every time I feel sad and “just not myself” I ask “is it me, or just the illness”? Can I even differentiate one from the other anymore? Or should I just say “this is all me, the good and the bad”? How can I embrace something I can’t even name out loud in front of people, most of the time? How can I feel complete, when I see the struggle my parents are having to accept this reality? When they can’t say the word “depression” aloud? When my mum is struggling to accept that her daughter is taking antidepressants, talking about her visits to psychologist and psychiatrist? How can I accept all this when I know how I hurt them? How confused they are, because of all this? How can I live my life knowing that anytime it can get much worse and I can start losing control again? And are those people right, am I a danger for others? Should I be locked somewhere? Would it be better?

I’m scared. Scared of the future, but mostly just scared of myself. I know where all this can take me. I’ve been there, really deep down there and I know how nasty it can get. I know the hurt and the pain. I remember all those things I wish I could take back, all those moments I destroyed with this part of me. All those evenings with my boyfriend that I took away forever. I can’t accept my illness, because I can’t forgive myself. I can’t say “it wasn’t me, it was this something inside me that did it”. Because I feel like I did even though I also didn’t. I have all these answers and I’m totally confused. I can’t tell what is “normal” anymore, because I’ve never really experienced “the normal”.

 

4.11.2014

Continuing today with similar issue. I just feel so…weird, frustrated… I’ve been to department of my university that deals with people with special study requirement. I’ve been to discuss, if they can help me in some way with depressions and migraines. I can get more time for written exams, write them in separate room, I could also get individual course of study, but so far, I don’t want to. I’m still trying to be “normal”, although I feel that I can’t pretend anymore. I feel forced to accept the “mentally ill” label. I’m not forced by someone specific, it’s just the feeling, the circumstances. It’s so hard, I was always taught to be strong and deal with things and I have strong need to control things. I don’t like to share responsibilities and I don’t like people telling me what I should do. And right here, in my own head, body, mind is something I can’t control, not completely. Something throwing me off my way, disrupting my life. Taking control away from me. Forcing me to accept special terms at school. And worst of all, making me feel embarrassed when my boyfriend excuses my behavior, because I have these problems. I know he means well and I appreciate it, but it also makes me feel something less, something that needs excuses so that he could live with me. He makes me feel safe and loved, but these past days I was pretty bitchy, because I just can’t stand him excusing me, the vulnerability and loss of control that comes with all that. I kind of hate myself for this, but I have no idea how to deal with it. I need to find a way to accept depressions and learn to live with it, with the good and bad, and I need to do this on my own. I know my boyfriend, my friends, my family…they all try to help and support me, but none of them really understands and none of them can really tell me how to cope with this. Because it’s terrifying, all this instability in my life, it’s like living on a roller-coaster, going up and down and up and down… it’s exhausting!. I can’t even be really happy without a voice in my head warning me to get ready for the way down that’s coming next. It scares me that this might never change, I’m not sure I’m strong enough for decades of living like this.