Happy New Year And All That Sh*t

I think this Robot Hugs comics describes my life right now very well.

2016-01-07-start

Well, the only problem is that my stomach is having a bad time and I’m sick a lot, so no wine for me… Apart from that, too many things are changing and it’s scaring the sh*t out of me. Yesterday I broke down and cried for like half an hour, couldn’t sleep and now I’m tired and generally depressed. I should study, but even the thought of concentrating on that is exhausting, I want to cry, curl up in bed and disappear. When I say I’m terrified of future, it doesn’t come even close to the dread I feel. It’s like knowing that once I finish my studies, whole world will collapse into nothingness and only I see it and nobody believes me. I feel like I’m going closer and closer to this big black hollow that will swallow me whole. And yes, I know I should just think that everything will be good and I’ll make it and I need to grow thicker skin and all that. It’s terrifies me, because everyone seems to know what I should do, but nobody seems to stop and ask what I want to do, what I’d like to do, how would I imagine my future. Everyone just says that I should find a job of any kind, just to have one. Do I want to work in my field? I’m naive, almost nobody works in their field (then why did I even study, mum?). Do I want a job that I would like? I’m naive, almost nobody likes their job. Do I want a job where I would feel good mentally? I’m naive and should grow thicker skin and don’t be so oversensitive.

Guess I’m just totally useless and naive and oversensitive. I just want to scream “shut the f*ck up and leave me alone”! Unless you’re willing to listen to me, just be quiet, I know all your well-meant advice better than you, so just…don’t. Everything in my life is supposed to change next few months, I hate changes and I’m just supposed to be good with it. Thanks, but that’s not how I work. Mostly, I would just love, if someone would just listen… My therapist does and I love her for that, it’s great that at least she doesn’t think I’m impossible spoiled loser or something like that. If someone could just listen, now I feel exhausted, because I need to pretend how happy I am about everything. I’m depressed and nothing makes sense, like why even bother about anything, just hopelessness and sadness and emptiness… and so anxious my skin feels weird, like it doesn’t fit and I need to tear it off, so I’m restless, because I don’t want to self-hurt, but the feeling is driving me crazy, literally.

And with this, I’m supposed to study for finals, celebrate my birthday (yay for me…no), find a job, move back to home-town, redo the flat my bf and I are moving in, then move in, get married and just be this super responsible adult capable of completely changing the entirely life without even a little stress. Yeah, right…

Advertisements

Sort of Confession

Those who know me longer know I drink quite a lot, I know they joke about it, often in front of me. I try to laugh it off, but yeah, they’re right. It’s just that sometimes it’s the only thing that numbs the pain or anxiety. And then there are entire weeks when I pretty much don’t drink at all and I don’t even feel the need to. And then there are days between, when I do pretty ok, yet I still feel like I need some safety blanket, because I can never know when things get bad again and I can’t sleep and I feel like I’ll jump out of my skin and it’s overwhelming. And there is a choice how to cope, I hurt myself or I drink. Or I take a pill to calm down, pill that can very easily be addictive. Not much of a good choices, I know, especially when alcohol can give me one hell of a migraine.

2012-06-14-Unease

Just Hide All Sharp Objects

I just wish for this day to be over. I need to go to sleep, I’m tired, exhausted, but just getting to bed seems like to much work. I’m being crushed by the whole world, cold. I know I’m not good enough, never was and never will be. My anxiety is on super high level and so is my depression. As always, my head is split in two parts. One knows what is going on, I’m depressed and I should take my meds, go to sleep and get some rest. The other is clouded, foggy and cold, telling me “you know you’re ill, just take a grip and get over it, you’re just pathetic, weak and I hate being part of you”. For several days I’m figting my need to punish myself, avoind sharp objects especially, although I know it would bring me peace. I despise myself, it’s not hatred, more despising, because I’m weak, terrible, not good enough. I hear this in my head all the time “you’re not enough”. I don’t even know what “enough”, I just know I’m the worst person there is. My mind brings me the need to punish myself, to find release and I’m trying to fight, even though it’s just crushing me. I can’t breathe, hiding in my bubble, pretending emotions, going through my day. It gets exhausting, thinking this is my life, this roller-coaster ride up and down and spinning, hiding, running from myself, fighting, feeling lost and cold. Sometimes I’m not sure I’m able to stand this, I don’t know if I’m strong enough, feeling like I might break any second. Why can’t I just be good enough? For myself, good enough girlfriend, friend, student, person. I try harder and harder, but it’s never enough and I don’t know what to do. I’m exhausted always trying, always fighting, pushing boundaries to just endure more days, make through this day and the next and the next… Even if I think I’m ok, I don’t know, because I just don’t know what is normal, I’ve never been normal. It’s crushing me, I can’t breathe, can’t think, yet I have to, have to study, go to work, put on my normal face, pretending that no, I’m falling apart, I’m not walking on a wall risking painful fall all the time. Will it ever end?

At times, my sanity comes back, telling me I’m ok, it will be ok, it will pass. It feels like suddenly seing clearly, breathing freely, being alive… I wish for it to last.

2011-10-13-a bad day

Helpful Advice

One of the things that can always make me mad, or miserable, is when I hear people talking about depressions as it’s not really a problem. I guess it’s because people don’t talk about it much and we use reference to depression in connection with being just really tired or feeling not very happy because of something. So what people think is that depression means just being really sad or tired or not being in the right mood. Which it is, but on much higher level that any normal person normally reaches. As a result the real depression is diminished by people around us, because we are thought to be “just sad, just overreacting, exaggerating, we should try to be more positive” etc etc etc. And when you already feel like a piece of shit (excuse my language) and someone comes and tells you this, it makes you even worse, because you know you are the worst person and you’re also apparently really weak and good for nothing. Because if you’re not, then for sure you would be able to as happy and able to live your life as people around you…

All this is wrong and really does so much more harm then good. Yes, it is good to learn to be more positive, but when you diminish feelings of depressed person, you’re just making them feel worse. I know because I’ve been there. I had friends telling me that if I was really depressed I would have killed myself and not talked about it. They were unable to understand that I was trying to reach for help. Well, they weren’t friends for much longer, but that was pretty long ago, although I don’t think I will ever forget it. But I have friends, friends now, who didn’t know about my problems, and I heard them saying that antidepressants are for nothing and how bad it is and how they don’t believe it all. And I sat there, listening, feeling really awkward, thinking “Should I say something? Should I try to explain, talk to them? Should I embarassed both of us?” Even my parents have problems coming to terms with my illness. When I told them about my depressions last year, my mum kept asking me for months if I think I will ever be ok or if I have to take pills all my life or what I plan to do when I get pregnant…

It was so frustrating! I don’t know answers for any of that and it scares me to think about it! Also it feels pretty weird to just talk about depressions in real life with my friends, because of all these opinions around. So please, respect depressed people around you.

And here are two comics from Robot Hugs to explain that depression is just an illness as any other and helpful advice might not be as helpful as lot of people think it might be (click on the picture to make it bigger).

2013-11-21-Helpful Advice        2014-06-24-More Helpful Advice