Fading Away

2014-11-28-Surprise

Basically my life these past days, weeks, months…? I don’t even know anymore. I was radiosilent for long long looong time, I can’t even remember when was the last time I wrote a post here. But don’t worry, I’m the same mess I used to be. Yeah… I’m getting sarcastic, can’t help it. Mostly because being sarcastic and ironic is the last step before breaking.

I don’t even know where to begin. Oh, my list of meds got longer. I used to be on one, now I take a nice mix of three different antidepressants and my therapist asked me in December if I had thought about getting hospitalized, because I told her I’m numb and mostly I just want to die, because I’m exhausted and I can’t see any light in my future. I got better, at least a bit. I still want to die sometimes, mostly when I feel trapped in my life and my head, there were times when I almost admitted myself to hospital. But when I think of being alone with bunch of strangers, that’s even worse, so… Also, my cats wouldn’t understand where I am and I don’t want to hurt my babies, they had enough hardship for most of their life, I don’t want to add to that.

If you remember, I ranted here last year that the 2016 is going to be very stressful for me, because it’s a big change for me, finishing studies, getting married, looking for job, moving out of my parents for good and all that. Well… it all went mostly well, until we were supposed to move in to our new flat, because the flat wasn’t finished. So for about six months we lived with my in-laws. I like them, but living under the same roof was way to much for me.

Anyway… I got a job and then I had such bad psychosomatic symptoms that I had to quit. That really “helped” my self-esteem. I really wnted to be good at that job, it wasn’t anything great, just your standard office rat, but I would get some money and the job was ok, my co-workers were mostly nice… But within a month, I started to feel dizzy even when sitting down, I was losing balance and couldn’t concentrate at all, turned out my anxiety decided it’s time to sabotage my life yet again. Now I’m freelancer, munching money from my parents and husband, because I have yet to get enough work to earn anything. Yep, it feels great.

I’m trying hard to breath and stay above water. I’m having regular therapy sessions, I also got into group therapy, which is in another town and I had to learn to drive again. I did, I’m not super excellent driver yet, but it’s at least one success. The group therapy is terrible. I mean, it’s good, the people are nice, but it’s terrible for me. The first session I dissociated so hard I couldn’t even remember basic words and couldn’t concentrate on anything. I just mentally wasn’t there. Generally, I think the therapy will be good fo me, but I’ll tell you in April, when it’s finished.

Going to regular therapy opened a lot of wounds and it’s hard to deal with them. I accepted that I’m having PTSD from being bullied for years. I have to face the problematic relationship I have with my mother, because it’s pretty unhealthy, bit abusive and manipulative, but I know my mum doesn’t do that intentionally and I don’t want to hurt her, yet communicating with her is very unpredictable.

Sometimes, I would just love to disappear and not have to deal with all this. I would just love to feel normal.

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There Are So Many People Out There

I went to my psychiatrist to get a paper to school, so I can ask for lower tuition fee and I found there a poster for a website about depressions. I decided to check it, because I want to learn some more information about my disorder and to find some professional staff I could post here, beside of the creations of my malfunctioning brain.

It was a good and also bad decision. Good because there really are useful information for me and also for people outside these problems, bad because the web has a section for personal stories… So many people! I mean literally, so many people asking, if their problems are normal, if this is curable, saying they’re exhausted of all this. It almost made me cry, because I wish I could tell all these people, that there is a chance for them! That what they’re going through is hard and painful, but it doesn’t have to be like that, that they are not weird or broken, because they feel this way. How is it possible that so many people still have to suffer the pain and shame and exhaustion, because there is a lack of information about mental health?! I mean, we can travel to space, we can travel pretty much anywhere anytime around the Earth, yet some teenage girl writes there that when she talks about depression with her parents, her mother laughs and her father thinks she just wants to skip school! It makes me so angry! I was that teenage girl, afraid to tell her parents, afraid to tell my friends, putting up a mask of perfect daughter, perfect student, yet inside suffering terribly, desperately wanting someone to tell me that I’m not making this up, that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy! Well, when I told my friends, just about five of them actually tried to understand, the rest thought I’m really just seeking attention, so I can understand the girl’s fear. How is it possible that we learn so much about physical health, we know what to eat or don’t, what is healthy, what sports are good and so many stuff, but we don’t learn about mental health?! How how HOW?!?!

Next time someone asks me why I need to “advertise” my depressions, I’ll tell them that THIS is WHY! If I can spread the word about mental disorders to just a hundred people there, most of them my friends on facebook, than I DID SOMETHING! If I can change what just a few people out there think about mental problems, show them that it’s nothing weird or unnatural or laughable or weak or despicable or just bad, then I do a good job! If I change the world just a little little bit, then it’s worth opening up and writing about the darkest thoughts and feelings my mind can produce. Nobody deserves this, NOBODY! I just wish I could hug all these people and tell them that it will get better, tell them, that they are not alone… but I can’t, so this is the least I can do.