I’m Sorry For Your Suffering, DID Community! You Are Valid, You Are Loved!

I’m fucking living right now! So some good news, rage can get me out of my depression!

Some time ago I started following several youtubers with dissociative identity disorder (DID), because I wanted to learn more. DID is one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized mental disorders and there are some really good channels out there. I’ve been planning on writing about them here, but with all the shit going on recently in my life, I just didn’t get to it. And now, DID community is going through some serious issues, because a certain youtuber decided that having DID is a good money grab!

On March 4, a youtuber named Anthony Padilla posted another video in his series of “I spent a day with…” called I spent a day with MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES (Dissociative Identity Disorder). He interviewed three people with DID, asked them about their lives, their experience, it’s a very well done video and I highly recommend you watch it, if you want to have a good starting point in learning more about DID.

The proof that is was really well done is that one of the three people is DissociaDID, a system having an amazing YT channel. During the interview Nin, the host, switched to Kyle, and Anthony didn’t even blink, they just shaked hands and continued. Not only that but they also gave Kyle Nin’s coat to cover his legs, because he was really uncomfortable being in a short skirt. Some time later Nin wanted to switch back to answer a question she really wanted to answer and during that a Little (an alter that is very young, kid or young teen) came out. They were very confused, but Anthony again did everything to make the kid comfortable and the Little actually answered the question in an amazing way. It was surprising to see the bit with the Little left in the video, because I know that DissociaDID is very protective of their Littles. Later in a stream Nin explained that they decided to leave it in, because it was really beautiful, powerful and brave, but she did ask Anthony to hide the Little’s name and age (predators could abuse this knowledge to attack and lure the person). Overall, Anthony was amazingly professional and kind, he was very compassionate, DissociaDID’s switches are pretty awful and he was reassuring them to take their time, offering them to leave for a bit, if they needed…

All this is great, but here comes the problem that I’ve just learned about and that makes me absolutely livid! You see, Anthony Padilla is a very popular youtuber, he has over 4 millions subscribers. So lot of people watched this video and it was trending on YT’s main page for quite a bit. Which is where a certain youtuber decided that it was a great way to get views and cash from ads. I’m just gonna say that this person is a woman, I am NOT naming her, although if you do go watch some of the videos I will link here, you will see her name. Please don’t go watch her videos, don’t give her views.

Anyway, this person is known for claiming to be a member of certain communities etc only to get views and attentin, because even hate views are views and the bring her money, because sadly, she does have a big YT following. This person made a video claiming that they have DID and to present their alters. If you want to see DissociaDID reacting to her video, explaining all the things she claims wrong and all the misinformation she’s spreading, it’s here. I jut have to say that Nin was so respectful, I admire her, I would be furious.

Anthony Padilla also called that youtuber out for her behavior. And that’s when shit hit the fan. This female youtuber made another video, where she got incredibly angry and aggressive. I watched some parts of it (on another channel, I did NOT gave that person views) and it was bad. She curses, yells, gestures violently etc. She doubled down on Twitter, she went after Anthony Padilla and DissociaDID.

Her videos and her whole tirade has gotten so far that she is actively traumatizing the whole DID community! And just to be clear here, DID is developed as a defense mechanism when child goes through terrible trauma and doesn’t have a space to properly deal with. We are talking about people, who were severely abused as little kids, so badly that as a defense mechanism, their brain created different personalities, that hold these traumas and memories, so that the person can go on. We are talking about people who were to hell and back! We are talking about people, who face stigma on daily basis, whose lives are very difficult because they went through incredible pain as little kids!

And how do I know that the youtuber’s video are traumatizing and hurting the whole DID community? Yesterday, Kyle from the DissociaDID system posted a short video. In that he explains that one of the last videos of said youtuber, where she screams, and swears and is threating, caused the system serious flashbacks and retraumatized them. It got so bad, that there was another split! And from what I read on their Twitter, this system is not the only one suffering. Many people in the community are deeply affected and there were splits. Just to make it absolutely clear. This youtuber acted in such a way, that she caused flashbacks to serious childhood trauma and it got so bad that in some systems the brain had to CREATE ANOTHER PERSONALITY JUST TO BE ABLE TO COPE!

I can’t even BEGIN to describe how absolutely infuriating this is! It’s… disgusting, it’s vile, it’s abusive! That youtuber just went straight to the same level as all the awful people, who caused people to develop DID! There are people now saying that they are afraid to talk about having DID, because they are afraid that people will associate them with said youtuber. She is damaging and abusing so many people, just because she wants the ad money. Because DID was trending, she needed some attention and money, so she went for it. It… I can’t believe somebody would be so vile and disgusting. To me, this person is barely human now, because this is beyond my comprehension. I think this commentary video by a channel called Kristina Maione says it really well. I absolutely agree with her rage and I agree with her words!

And to people out there with DID, please know that you are loved, you are valid, you are special and you are amazing. Your alters are valid, you are not an awful person and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am so sorry that you and your community are struggling right now, but you are not alone. So many people are furious at your behalf, so many people see your suffering and stand by your side. I love you, my heart breaks for you and I wish there was something I could to help you. Please hang on!

And for those, who are looking for some good information about DID, these are the channels I personally watch, love and follow:
1. DissociaDID.
2. MultiplicityAndMe.
3. The Entropy System.

Fading Away


Basically my life these past days, weeks, months…? I don’t even know anymore. I was radiosilent for long long looong time, I can’t even remember when was the last time I wrote a post here. But don’t worry, I’m the same mess I used to be. Yeah… I’m getting sarcastic, can’t help it. Mostly because being sarcastic and ironic is the last step before breaking.

I don’t even know where to begin. Oh, my list of meds got longer. I used to be on one, now I take a nice mix of three different antidepressants and my therapist asked me in December if I had thought about getting hospitalized, because I told her I’m numb and mostly I just want to die, because I’m exhausted and I can’t see any light in my future. I got better, at least a bit. I still want to die sometimes, mostly when I feel trapped in my life and my head, there were times when I almost admitted myself to hospital. But when I think of being alone with bunch of strangers, that’s even worse, so… Also, my cats wouldn’t understand where I am and I don’t want to hurt my babies, they had enough hardship for most of their life, I don’t want to add to that.

If you remember, I ranted here last year that the 2016 is going to be very stressful for me, because it’s a big change for me, finishing studies, getting married, looking for job, moving out of my parents for good and all that. Well… it all went mostly well, until we were supposed to move in to our new flat, because the flat wasn’t finished. So for about six months we lived with my in-laws. I like them, but living under the same roof was way to much for me.

Anyway… I got a job and then I had such bad psychosomatic symptoms that I had to quit. That really “helped” my self-esteem. I really wnted to be good at that job, it wasn’t anything great, just your standard office rat, but I would get some money and the job was ok, my co-workers were mostly nice… But within a month, I started to feel dizzy even when sitting down, I was losing balance and couldn’t concentrate at all, turned out my anxiety decided it’s time to sabotage my life yet again. Now I’m freelancer, munching money from my parents and husband, because I have yet to get enough work to earn anything. Yep, it feels great.

I’m trying hard to breath and stay above water. I’m having regular therapy sessions, I also got into group therapy, which is in another town and I had to learn to drive again. I did, I’m not super excellent driver yet, but it’s at least one success. The group therapy is terrible. I mean, it’s good, the people are nice, but it’s terrible for me. The first session I dissociated so hard I couldn’t even remember basic words and couldn’t concentrate on anything. I just mentally wasn’t there. Generally, I think the therapy will be good fo me, but I’ll tell you in April, when it’s finished.

Going to regular therapy opened a lot of wounds and it’s hard to deal with them. I accepted that I’m having PTSD from being bullied for years. I have to face the problematic relationship I have with my mother, because it’s pretty unhealthy, bit abusive and manipulative, but I know my mum doesn’t do that intentionally and I don’t want to hurt her, yet communicating with her is very unpredictable.

Sometimes, I would just love to disappear and not have to deal with all this. I would just love to feel normal.

There Are So Many People Out There

I went to my psychiatrist to get a paper to school, so I can ask for lower tuition fee and I found there a poster for a website about depressions. I decided to check it, because I want to learn some more information about my disorder and to find some professional staff I could post here, beside of the creations of my malfunctioning brain.

It was a good and also bad decision. Good because there really are useful information for me and also for people outside these problems, bad because the web has a section for personal stories… So many people! I mean literally, so many people asking, if their problems are normal, if this is curable, saying they’re exhausted of all this. It almost made me cry, because I wish I could tell all these people, that there is a chance for them! That what they’re going through is hard and painful, but it doesn’t have to be like that, that they are not weird or broken, because they feel this way. How is it possible that so many people still have to suffer the pain and shame and exhaustion, because there is a lack of information about mental health?! I mean, we can travel to space, we can travel pretty much anywhere anytime around the Earth, yet some teenage girl writes there that when she talks about depression with her parents, her mother laughs and her father thinks she just wants to skip school! It makes me so angry! I was that teenage girl, afraid to tell her parents, afraid to tell my friends, putting up a mask of perfect daughter, perfect student, yet inside suffering terribly, desperately wanting someone to tell me that I’m not making this up, that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy! Well, when I told my friends, just about five of them actually tried to understand, the rest thought I’m really just seeking attention, so I can understand the girl’s fear. How is it possible that we learn so much about physical health, we know what to eat or don’t, what is healthy, what sports are good and so many stuff, but we don’t learn about mental health?! How how HOW?!?!

Next time someone asks me why I need to “advertise” my depressions, I’ll tell them that THIS is WHY! If I can spread the word about mental disorders to just a hundred people there, most of them my friends on facebook, than I DID SOMETHING! If I can change what just a few people out there think about mental problems, show them that it’s nothing weird or unnatural or laughable or weak or despicable or just bad, then I do a good job! If I change the world just a little little bit, then it’s worth opening up and writing about the darkest thoughts and feelings my mind can produce. Nobody deserves this, NOBODY! I just wish I could hug all these people and tell them that it will get better, tell them, that they are not alone… but I can’t, so this is the least I can do.