I Really “Love” Coming Home

I really “love” coming home to my parents… I’ve come today after two weeks and I wanted to go back to my real home just about five minutes after meeting my mum. I think of a real home to the flat me and my boyfriend share with five other people, that’s ironic…

Well, I came home and then a friend came to bring me somethings. I went outside, just in the things I wear at home, leaving my “normal” things spread on bed, because I’m really “tidy”. I’m stressing this for the things coming. So anyway I was talking to my friend outside, when I saw my mum coming home and waved at her, convinced she saw me. I spent there another five or ten minutes and then came back, meeting my mum outside the apartment behaving like I ran away or something! I mean, what did she think? My laptop was on, my things were inside, I obviously went out couple minutes ago just in my home things… Oh and the flat was locked, so nobody obviously kidnapped me. She said herself, that she thought I just went outside for a few minutes for something, but she freaked out anyway, she said she searched the apartment (even the bathroom, what she expected, me in a pool of blood?!), she called me (I had my phone in my pocket, but didn’t hear it outside) and she was going outside to look for me. I have never seen her acting like this, saying I stressed her out so much she needs a drink… And then, a thought came to me, that somehow, she freaked out because of my mental problems. I asked her few times what she thought and she just muttered something and I really felt like she was worried so much because of my illness…and she made me feel super guilty for making her worried so much.

In that moment, I felt like I need a drink. It felt so humiliating! Like I was some sort of weird unpredictable creature that can do something stupid anytime. I know I overreact a bit, but it’s just because I get so frustrated with her. I try to understand how hard it is for them to deal with my problems, I try to answer all their question patiently, no matter how uncomfortable I get or how many times they asked the same question, but still, I feel like their looking at me as some sort of alien with two heads or something! I really don’t know how to deal with this, how to approach them…

And I am at home for about 8 hours and I feel like I need a drink really bad, well more like a whole bottle. My mum arguing with my dad over some stupid things, telling me what to do with my life and what she thinks about me deciding to end one of my studies… Yes, she means it well, trying to help by giving her opinion… And I don’t have the courage to tell her that I don’t asked for her opinion, because I don’t want to hurt her, when she’s trying so much… and I try to remind myself of this over and over again, but usually I get so tired after two days at home that I don’t want to come back for looooong time. And then I feel guilty, because my mum tells me how she misses me and how she looks forward to seing me again…honestly I feel like the worst daughter in all the world and I have no idea what to do, how to behave, how to get comfortable in all this… And I feel totally ungreateful for having so caring parents, then feeling like nobody’s listening to me here and then I usually have a panic attack. Or drink(s).

So after all this super confusing and exhausting coming home, I really need a drink. Thank God we have wine.

2010-12-27-Best played alone

 

Advertisements

Christmas is Coming, Yippee! Or Not.

I have to admit I’m quite afraid of Christmas time. I always feel pressured to be happy and feel good and I feel guilty when I’m not that happy as I think I should be. Also my parents think I should sit with them talking and watching TV, when all I want to do is make a good tea and read a book or watch a movie, alone… So I feel compelled to do what they want and not destroy Christmas and as a result, I’m tensed and upset. Or perhaps I just miss the enchanting time Christmas used to be when I was little, when I actually loved doing all that without thinking if I’m happy enough and if I’m not, what is wrong with me.

I love giving presents and thinking of the best gift, I just don’t like that I’m expected to spend with my parents, just so they would be happy. And I really don’t know how to explain that without them getting angry, because I have different needs. Somehow, people have hard time understanding, that I don’t need group of people around me all the time. I like people and I like hanging out with friends and all, but sometimes I also enjoy being completely alone. When I say this I see this “are you normal?” look, like it’s so weird that I don’t need other people to have a good time. It’s really driving me crazy! And I’m tired of explain this again and again hoping for people to understand and getting lot of hurt instead, because if I want to be alone, that means I don’t like them, I’m selfish because they want to spend time with me and I don’t want them and…!!!

I just hope that this Christmas will be calm and happy, but I guess I’m just naive.