Fading Away

2014-11-28-Surprise

Basically my life these past days, weeks, months…? I don’t even know anymore. I was radiosilent for long long looong time, I can’t even remember when was the last time I wrote a post here. But don’t worry, I’m the same mess I used to be. Yeah… I’m getting sarcastic, can’t help it. Mostly because being sarcastic and ironic is the last step before breaking.

I don’t even know where to begin. Oh, my list of meds got longer. I used to be on one, now I take a nice mix of three different antidepressants and my therapist asked me in December if I had thought about getting hospitalized, because I told her I’m numb and mostly I just want to die, because I’m exhausted and I can’t see any light in my future. I got better, at least a bit. I still want to die sometimes, mostly when I feel trapped in my life and my head, there were times when I almost admitted myself to hospital. But when I think of being alone with bunch of strangers, that’s even worse, so… Also, my cats wouldn’t understand where I am and I don’t want to hurt my babies, they had enough hardship for most of their life, I don’t want to add to that.

If you remember, I ranted here last year that the 2016 is going to be very stressful for me, because it’s a big change for me, finishing studies, getting married, looking for job, moving out of my parents for good and all that. Well… it all went mostly well, until we were supposed to move in to our new flat, because the flat wasn’t finished. So for about six months we lived with my in-laws. I like them, but living under the same roof was way to much for me.

Anyway… I got a job and then I had such bad psychosomatic symptoms that I had to quit. That really “helped” my self-esteem. I really wnted to be good at that job, it wasn’t anything great, just your standard office rat, but I would get some money and the job was ok, my co-workers were mostly nice… But within a month, I started to feel dizzy even when sitting down, I was losing balance and couldn’t concentrate at all, turned out my anxiety decided it’s time to sabotage my life yet again. Now I’m freelancer, munching money from my parents and husband, because I have yet to get enough work to earn anything. Yep, it feels great.

I’m trying hard to breath and stay above water. I’m having regular therapy sessions, I also got into group therapy, which is in another town and I had to learn to drive again. I did, I’m not super excellent driver yet, but it’s at least one success. The group therapy is terrible. I mean, it’s good, the people are nice, but it’s terrible for me. The first session I dissociated so hard I couldn’t even remember basic words and couldn’t concentrate on anything. I just mentally wasn’t there. Generally, I think the therapy will be good fo me, but I’ll tell you in April, when it’s finished.

Going to regular therapy opened a lot of wounds and it’s hard to deal with them. I accepted that I’m having PTSD from being bullied for years. I have to face the problematic relationship I have with my mother, because it’s pretty unhealthy, bit abusive and manipulative, but I know my mum doesn’t do that intentionally and I don’t want to hurt her, yet communicating with her is very unpredictable.

Sometimes, I would just love to disappear and not have to deal with all this. I would just love to feel normal.

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I Really “Love” Coming Home

I really “love” coming home to my parents… I’ve come today after two weeks and I wanted to go back to my real home just about five minutes after meeting my mum. I think of a real home to the flat me and my boyfriend share with five other people, that’s ironic…

Well, I came home and then a friend came to bring me somethings. I went outside, just in the things I wear at home, leaving my “normal” things spread on bed, because I’m really “tidy”. I’m stressing this for the things coming. So anyway I was talking to my friend outside, when I saw my mum coming home and waved at her, convinced she saw me. I spent there another five or ten minutes and then came back, meeting my mum outside the apartment behaving like I ran away or something! I mean, what did she think? My laptop was on, my things were inside, I obviously went out couple minutes ago just in my home things… Oh and the flat was locked, so nobody obviously kidnapped me. She said herself, that she thought I just went outside for a few minutes for something, but she freaked out anyway, she said she searched the apartment (even the bathroom, what she expected, me in a pool of blood?!), she called me (I had my phone in my pocket, but didn’t hear it outside) and she was going outside to look for me. I have never seen her acting like this, saying I stressed her out so much she needs a drink… And then, a thought came to me, that somehow, she freaked out because of my mental problems. I asked her few times what she thought and she just muttered something and I really felt like she was worried so much because of my illness…and she made me feel super guilty for making her worried so much.

In that moment, I felt like I need a drink. It felt so humiliating! Like I was some sort of weird unpredictable creature that can do something stupid anytime. I know I overreact a bit, but it’s just because I get so frustrated with her. I try to understand how hard it is for them to deal with my problems, I try to answer all their question patiently, no matter how uncomfortable I get or how many times they asked the same question, but still, I feel like their looking at me as some sort of alien with two heads or something! I really don’t know how to deal with this, how to approach them…

And I am at home for about 8 hours and I feel like I need a drink really bad, well more like a whole bottle. My mum arguing with my dad over some stupid things, telling me what to do with my life and what she thinks about me deciding to end one of my studies… Yes, she means it well, trying to help by giving her opinion… And I don’t have the courage to tell her that I don’t asked for her opinion, because I don’t want to hurt her, when she’s trying so much… and I try to remind myself of this over and over again, but usually I get so tired after two days at home that I don’t want to come back for looooong time. And then I feel guilty, because my mum tells me how she misses me and how she looks forward to seing me again…honestly I feel like the worst daughter in all the world and I have no idea what to do, how to behave, how to get comfortable in all this… And I feel totally ungreateful for having so caring parents, then feeling like nobody’s listening to me here and then I usually have a panic attack. Or drink(s).

So after all this super confusing and exhausting coming home, I really need a drink. Thank God we have wine.

2010-12-27-Best played alone