Lonely Rant From a Lonely Scared Girl

Soooo…. I’m fucked up. Yeah, nice way to greet you all after such a long time. I have several post in the middle of writing, but left them. Probably finish them soon, because they are very real and accurate. But right now, it’s this.

I’m… anxious, depressed, scared, angry, there are lot of emotions in my head running wild, I’ve been fighting exhausting anxiety attack whole day. Right now, I’m drowning it in alcohol, good old alcohol. Very mature and very adult, I know. Like I’m either of those things anyway.

So what got me in such a “great” mood? I  have a job, an actual fultime job, not in my field, but earning money anyway. And I’m already screwing up. Or at least my mind is. Or my body. I can’t really tell anymore. I’m ok with the job, it’s not the best one, but I earn at least some money and not be burden for my parents. I’m not excited about the job, but I’m ok with it. But my health is getting worse. I’m trying to convince myself that it will get better that I will get used to all of that, getting up early, being with people all the time, with all their noise and emotions and all that. I’m sick and anxious every day. My hands shake, I get nauseous, light-headed, tired… it’s just… too much? And it’s scary, more than I say. Because what if I can’t work at a normal job, even if I more or less like it? I don’t want to depend on my parents. Or my husband. I want to work, why can’t I work?!

I’m scared. And angry. I didn’t choose to be like this. My bullies made me this way. They damaged me, broke me… Why do I have to pay for what they did? Why my life has to be so hard, when they are just ok? Why I have to fight for everything, when it’s not my fault that I’m like this?! It’s… scary. And exhausting. I want to work. I want to contribute to society, whatever that means. I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m damaged goods, I guess. I feel like it. I broke down today, I cried… three times? Then I took my anxiety pill. And now I’m trying to not think about it.

And it comes back, the thought asking “Why I can’t just be normal?”. Like other people, functioning adult. I…wish I was pregnant. Than my life would have direction and meaning. But my husband doesn’t want kids just yet. He wants kids, but the thought of me being pregnant right now scares him. And I thought he was the one who couldn’t wait to have a child. I’m afraid that when I get pregnant, his family will be all in our lives, controlling it and all that, they’re all so close…

What do I do? I tried to be normal, to fit in those stupid boxes, to have a normal job, work, be normal. But I’m not and what if I never am.

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The Price of Sanity

I’ve made really not very pleasant discovery last week and that is what it costs to have long-term therapy.

I was seeing therapist for almost a year in my university town and it was great, it helped me a lot and the therapist was amazing. And it was covered by my insurance, which was also great help. Unfortunately, everything ends and so did my therapy, because in June I moved back to my home. So I went to see my psychiatrist here and asked for recommendation of new therapist, because the last one advised me to continue with the sessions. And I learned that I could get insurance payed one, but only short-term, which means about ten sessions and that’s it. If I want long term, I have to pay for it myself and it’s not small amount.

Personally, I think I could afford at least two sessions per month, that’s not the problem. I have the money, so I’m ok. But it got me thinking about the whole big picture. Imagine someone is having really bad depression and/or anxiety and it prevents them from having a regular job and supporting themselves. They are short of money and they are told that they get only ten sessions covered by insurance and if they want or need long-term therapy, they have to pay for it full. Which they can’t, because they can’t have a full-time job, so they don’t have the money to pay for the therapy that could help the get full-time job and get money and so on.

I guess other insurance companies might have better options, but honestly, I don’t believe it much. The one in my college town was probably only covered because it was in a support center for children and young adults. And I don’t know what is the solution, what is the way to get the help and support mentally ill people need. I just know it makes me sad and angry…

Happy New Year And All That Sh*t

I think this Robot Hugs comics describes my life right now very well.

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Well, the only problem is that my stomach is having a bad time and I’m sick a lot, so no wine for me… Apart from that, too many things are changing and it’s scaring the sh*t out of me. Yesterday I broke down and cried for like half an hour, couldn’t sleep and now I’m tired and generally depressed. I should study, but even the thought of concentrating on that is exhausting, I want to cry, curl up in bed and disappear. When I say I’m terrified of future, it doesn’t come even close to the dread I feel. It’s like knowing that once I finish my studies, whole world will collapse into nothingness and only I see it and nobody believes me. I feel like I’m going closer and closer to this big black hollow that will swallow me whole. And yes, I know I should just think that everything will be good and I’ll make it and I need to grow thicker skin and all that. It’s terrifies me, because everyone seems to know what I should do, but nobody seems to stop and ask what I want to do, what I’d like to do, how would I imagine my future. Everyone just says that I should find a job of any kind, just to have one. Do I want to work in my field? I’m naive, almost nobody works in their field (then why did I even study, mum?). Do I want a job that I would like? I’m naive, almost nobody likes their job. Do I want a job where I would feel good mentally? I’m naive and should grow thicker skin and don’t be so oversensitive.

Guess I’m just totally useless and naive and oversensitive. I just want to scream “shut the f*ck up and leave me alone”! Unless you’re willing to listen to me, just be quiet, I know all your well-meant advice better than you, so just…don’t. Everything in my life is supposed to change next few months, I hate changes and I’m just supposed to be good with it. Thanks, but that’s not how I work. Mostly, I would just love, if someone would just listen… My therapist does and I love her for that, it’s great that at least she doesn’t think I’m impossible spoiled loser or something like that. If someone could just listen, now I feel exhausted, because I need to pretend how happy I am about everything. I’m depressed and nothing makes sense, like why even bother about anything, just hopelessness and sadness and emptiness… and so anxious my skin feels weird, like it doesn’t fit and I need to tear it off, so I’m restless, because I don’t want to self-hurt, but the feeling is driving me crazy, literally.

And with this, I’m supposed to study for finals, celebrate my birthday (yay for me…no), find a job, move back to home-town, redo the flat my bf and I are moving in, then move in, get married and just be this super responsible adult capable of completely changing the entirely life without even a little stress. Yeah, right…

Pain and Confused Thoughts

So I thought yesterday that sleep would help with the anxiety, but the truth is…not really. I woke up pretty messed up, tired, because I didn’t sleep half the night, my brain just wouldn’t shut up and my heartbeat was even worse than yesterday. Preparing breakfast was heroic task, my heart was racing and I had trouble catching breath. I really wanted to go back to bed, because f**k this, if I want frantic heartbeat, I’d go jogging!

But I did go out anyway, I need to, and I made it, I’m so good… Although honestly, even puttin on make-up was like running for my life. I’m just glad the fresh air helped a bit and I was able to do what I wanted to, mostly. Yeah, I just felt weak and sick, but whatever… It’s not like I need energy anyway, that’s overrated.

Mostly, I’m not sure what I feel. At leadt right now. I was tired and stressed. And inadequate… My sister arrived today, happy to tell me how she’s losing weight, she spent the evening talking with my parents, so I just wanted to hide. I have alcohol for that at least, I guess finally I could sleep tonight.

I’ve planned exercise for almost month now, but my body and brain doesn’t really work together. I thought when I’d finish my diploma thesis, but then I got anxious, depressed and pretty much just weird and damaged. I slept half December and the second half I feel like I’m running even when I’m just listening to music. I vomitted most of last week, yeah, great to know, I guess :-). It’s just fun, when after pretty much every meal my stomach decided that “nope” and I was sick, I spent the week on cola, very healthy I know.

I want to exercise and I want to love my body, but it’s hard, when your brain makes you sick and then makes you feel bad for being sick, week and tired… I’ll have wedding in August and feel like complete disgusting s**t and ruin everything.

I’m inadequate, I’ve always been. I wish to have good relationship with my mum, but she’s so unpredictable it’s safer to hide. I want to talk to my dad, but when I have a chance, I don’t know what to say. My sister just comes home and can do both. And I sit in my (half-)room feeling sorry for myself and I wish everyone would leave me alone. Because I’m this great person that doesn’t fit anywhere. And I can’t say anything, I wish to just come home, talk about stuff and belong, but I don’t. I don’t belong anywhere ad being home just makes me really tired and stressed, because I lack the ability the just be and communicate. I’m tired because of my anxiety, sleep is a problem, but explaining this to my mother? I wish…

I wish…to just belong. That’s what I have always wanted. To belong and to be accepted just the way I am. But right now, I just feel alone, scared and confused. Why can my sister belong to my family and I sit here being confused, because my family relationships are fu**ed up and I have no idea what to do.  Like…I invite them to my wedding and they kill each other or something like that. Or my mum refuses to go, because I don’t follow what she wants me to do.

I’m just going to end this, as my sister feels I’m keeping her awake, doesn’t matter that she does the same to me often, right… I just wish I could see a simple way out of this.

The Unsettling Thoughts

I always wonder what have to happen to people to get suddenly really hateful. I was going through my facebook feed and saw a friend posting a news article about a man sentenced to jail for rape. The crime is terrible and it’s scary, but what was also scary for me was the discussion that my friend and other people had under the post.

You see, the man was schizophrenic and whenever a mentally ill person is involved in a crime, I’m really worried about the comments. I’m no expert on this particular illness, but I know at least something and I know it’s really complicated. And that it’s the one illness that scares people the most, because schizophrenics are mostly presented as dangerous insane criminals. So this person was called “schizophrenic idiot”, one person said they doen’t believe that the rapist didn’t know what was doing and that people like this should be shot, because they are no asset to society…

It’s not the first time I have seen this, what people don’t undestand, they shame and hate. I was really surprised by that outburst, not only for what this man did, but also for his illness. I don’t want to appologize him, what he did was wrong. But what I find interesting is that he was tried before, for different things, but it was stopped for he was found insane. Why nobody helped him? Shouldn’t he have gone to hospital and be treated? Instead, he was probably just released and he harmed young girls and he’s sentenced and everybody is blaming him and he’s the dangerous schizophrenic. But where was the system?

I always feel kind of scared, when people start this hating for mental illness, because for some reason, what happened to us is our fault.

This really has no big point, I just always feel unsettled when I see things like this comments, and I needed to clear my head.

I’m on Facebook :-)

My goal for this blog is to be a place where people can learn about depression, anxiety and also a place, where I can clear my head and leave all the thoughts that spin in my head most of the time. I’m also aware that there are many more mental health issues and invisible illnesses that I can’t write about, because I don’t experience them, but I still want people to understand them too, as I am trying all the time. Which is where my Facebook page comes in. My blog posts are shared there automatically, but I also share there articles or pictures I find on other pages on Facebook that I think are good and educational. In the future, I would like to share there things from around the net, not only from other pages on Facebook, I just don’t have time for it yet, because most of my time and energy right now goes to finishing my studies in time. But in the future, I want my Facebook page to be a place, where you can find help and support with your problems and also a place to learn. And a place where I share my oh-so-important thoughts and things I do, obviously :-). So if you want, go like it and it might lead you to other pages that might interest you and give you some more insight into the complicated world that is mental health and invisible illness.

Sort of Confession

Those who know me longer know I drink quite a lot, I know they joke about it, often in front of me. I try to laugh it off, but yeah, they’re right. It’s just that sometimes it’s the only thing that numbs the pain or anxiety. And then there are entire weeks when I pretty much don’t drink at all and I don’t even feel the need to. And then there are days between, when I do pretty ok, yet I still feel like I need some safety blanket, because I can never know when things get bad again and I can’t sleep and I feel like I’ll jump out of my skin and it’s overwhelming. And there is a choice how to cope, I hurt myself or I drink. Or I take a pill to calm down, pill that can very easily be addictive. Not much of a good choices, I know, especially when alcohol can give me one hell of a migraine.

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