I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I am tired a lot lately. Like exhausted. I do my best to do something every day, but it’s hard, because I struggle to concentrate. It’s weird. I think it’s because I’m trying to handle several things at once and each is pretty exhausting on its own.
I’m trying to work on my projects, right now it’s photography, because being creative gives me energy, but… I honestly don’t know. It’s like there is a wall in my head that blocks my creativity and all my energy and I don’t understand it. It feels like I’m trying to go through a wall or something.
I know that recently in therapy we touched on some subjects that I had trouble navigating through. And also there are some sensitive topics that my husband tried to talk about with me and I just got so upset and defensive and just refused to talk about it. And I don’t know why I got so upset in the first place. I do wonder if there some thoughts and/or memories that I suppressed so well that even getting tiny bit closer to them is making me go into fight or flight response.
Which is weird, because I think I am aware of everything that happened to me in the past, everything that led to my trauma etc. It was fucked up, but I don’t think it was so bad that there would be some suppressed memories. It feels like my brain is overreacting, but there is also the thought that maybe there are things I didn’t process.
Basically the response to these topics is “Not talking about it.” “Why?” “I don’t know, but I’m not talking about it.” “Ok, do you think you’ll be able to talk about it in the future?” “I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about this anymore, can we just change the subject!” The more somebody pressures me (or I pressure myself), the more agitated, angry, defensive and anxious I get. And I can’t even tell myself or anyone why that is.