Lonely Rant From a Lonely Scared Girl

Soooo…. I’m fucked up. Yeah, nice way to greet you all after such a long time. I have several post in the middle of writing, but left them. Probably finish them soon, because they are very real and accurate. But right now, it’s this.

I’m… anxious, depressed, scared, angry, there are lot of emotions in my head running wild, I’ve been fighting exhausting anxiety attack whole day. Right now, I’m drowning it in alcohol, good old alcohol. Very mature and very adult, I know. Like I’m either of those things anyway.

So what got me in such a “great” mood? I  have a job, an actual fultime job, not in my field, but earning money anyway. And I’m already screwing up. Or at least my mind is. Or my body. I can’t really tell anymore. I’m ok with the job, it’s not the best one, but I earn at least some money and not be burden for my parents. I’m not excited about the job, but I’m ok with it. But my health is getting worse. I’m trying to convince myself that it will get better that I will get used to all of that, getting up early, being with people all the time, with all their noise and emotions and all that. I’m sick and anxious every day. My hands shake, I get nauseous, light-headed, tired… it’s just… too much? And it’s scary, more than I say. Because what if I can’t work at a normal job, even if I more or less like it? I don’t want to depend on my parents. Or my husband. I want to work, why can’t I work?!

I’m scared. And angry. I didn’t choose to be like this. My bullies made me this way. They damaged me, broke me… Why do I have to pay for what they did? Why my life has to be so hard, when they are just ok? Why I have to fight for everything, when it’s not my fault that I’m like this?! It’s… scary. And exhausting. I want to work. I want to contribute to society, whatever that means. I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m damaged goods, I guess. I feel like it. I broke down today, I cried… three times? Then I took my anxiety pill. And now I’m trying to not think about it.

And it comes back, the thought asking “Why I can’t just be normal?”. Like other people, functioning adult. I…wish I was pregnant. Than my life would have direction and meaning. But my husband doesn’t want kids just yet. He wants kids, but the thought of me being pregnant right now scares him. And I thought he was the one who couldn’t wait to have a child. I’m afraid that when I get pregnant, his family will be all in our lives, controlling it and all that, they’re all so close…

What do I do? I tried to be normal, to fit in those stupid boxes, to have a normal job, work, be normal. But I’m not and what if I never am.

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The Price of Sanity

I’ve made really not very pleasant discovery last week and that is what it costs to have long-term therapy.

I was seeing therapist for almost a year in my university town and it was great, it helped me a lot and the therapist was amazing. And it was covered by my insurance, which was also great help. Unfortunately, everything ends and so did my therapy, because in June I moved back to my home. So I went to see my psychiatrist here and asked for recommendation of new therapist, because the last one advised me to continue with the sessions. And I learned that I could get insurance payed one, but only short-term, which means about ten sessions and that’s it. If I want long term, I have to pay for it myself and it’s not small amount.

Personally, I think I could afford at least two sessions per month, that’s not the problem. I have the money, so I’m ok. But it got me thinking about the whole big picture. Imagine someone is having really bad depression and/or anxiety and it prevents them from having a regular job and supporting themselves. They are short of money and they are told that they get only ten sessions covered by insurance and if they want or need long-term therapy, they have to pay for it full. Which they can’t, because they can’t have a full-time job, so they don’t have the money to pay for the therapy that could help the get full-time job and get money and so on.

I guess other insurance companies might have better options, but honestly, I don’t believe it much. The one in my college town was probably only covered because it was in a support center for children and young adults. And I don’t know what is the solution, what is the way to get the help and support mentally ill people need. I just know it makes me sad and angry…

The Unsettling Thoughts

I always wonder what have to happen to people to get suddenly really hateful. I was going through my facebook feed and saw a friend posting a news article about a man sentenced to jail for rape. The crime is terrible and it’s scary, but what was also scary for me was the discussion that my friend and other people had under the post.

You see, the man was schizophrenic and whenever a mentally ill person is involved in a crime, I’m really worried about the comments. I’m no expert on this particular illness, but I know at least something and I know it’s really complicated. And that it’s the one illness that scares people the most, because schizophrenics are mostly presented as dangerous insane criminals. So this person was called “schizophrenic idiot”, one person said they doen’t believe that the rapist didn’t know what was doing and that people like this should be shot, because they are no asset to society…

It’s not the first time I have seen this, what people don’t undestand, they shame and hate. I was really surprised by that outburst, not only for what this man did, but also for his illness. I don’t want to appologize him, what he did was wrong. But what I find interesting is that he was tried before, for different things, but it was stopped for he was found insane. Why nobody helped him? Shouldn’t he have gone to hospital and be treated? Instead, he was probably just released and he harmed young girls and he’s sentenced and everybody is blaming him and he’s the dangerous schizophrenic. But where was the system?

I always feel kind of scared, when people start this hating for mental illness, because for some reason, what happened to us is our fault.

This really has no big point, I just always feel unsettled when I see things like this comments, and I needed to clear my head.

I’m on Facebook :-)

My goal for this blog is to be a place where people can learn about depression, anxiety and also a place, where I can clear my head and leave all the thoughts that spin in my head most of the time. I’m also aware that there are many more mental health issues and invisible illnesses that I can’t write about, because I don’t experience them, but I still want people to understand them too, as I am trying all the time. Which is where my Facebook page comes in. My blog posts are shared there automatically, but I also share there articles or pictures I find on other pages on Facebook that I think are good and educational. In the future, I would like to share there things from around the net, not only from other pages on Facebook, I just don’t have time for it yet, because most of my time and energy right now goes to finishing my studies in time. But in the future, I want my Facebook page to be a place, where you can find help and support with your problems and also a place to learn. And a place where I share my oh-so-important thoughts and things I do, obviously :-). So if you want, go like it and it might lead you to other pages that might interest you and give you some more insight into the complicated world that is mental health and invisible illness.

Sort of Confession

Those who know me longer know I drink quite a lot, I know they joke about it, often in front of me. I try to laugh it off, but yeah, they’re right. It’s just that sometimes it’s the only thing that numbs the pain or anxiety. And then there are entire weeks when I pretty much don’t drink at all and I don’t even feel the need to. And then there are days between, when I do pretty ok, yet I still feel like I need some safety blanket, because I can never know when things get bad again and I can’t sleep and I feel like I’ll jump out of my skin and it’s overwhelming. And there is a choice how to cope, I hurt myself or I drink. Or I take a pill to calm down, pill that can very easily be addictive. Not much of a good choices, I know, especially when alcohol can give me one hell of a migraine.

2012-06-14-Unease

Putting Pieces of My Life Back Together

I had a very strange experience today. I went to visit my grandmother, nothing special about that, it’s usually a not very interesting hour or two of talk about everything and nothing. Especially since my mother stopped talking to her parents and I got the feeling they actually don’t know how to approach me. Well, this afternoon was different and very different and it changed my life a lot, to be honest. I think, that I’m finally putting pieces of my life back together.

For some background here, several years ago, my grandparents decided to give their cottage to their son. They just told that to my mum and expected her to accept it without any problems. My mum didn’t accept it, she was hurt, because she felt it as another thing in a long line of neglect. She felt that she was robbed of her second home and that her brother was the preffered one, something she had felt her whole life. And my uncle had some problems of his own at the time…he still has. So they argued, very badly, and she cut her family out, pretty much completely. It was a time my heart, my soul and my life shattered into pieces so small I thought I would never be able to put them back together. I thought my family was loving and close, but suddenly it wasn’t so and my life changed, a lot. I no longer believed in happy families and I didn’t know what to do. I crashed the floor harder than I ever thought possible. My mum told me some things about her childhood and teenage years that explained a lot about her having difficulty expressing feelings for me and my sister and whole lot of stuff. I wanted to ask my grandparents for years, how they felt and feel. Don’t they mind that we aren’t a family anymore? But I was terrified and didn’t know how to start such a conversation. Today, I got the answer. It wasn’t easy and it was painful, but it opened new door for me.

I came to my grandmother and we talked as usual. My life, my future plans, my new tattoo and everything was as usual until my college fee came across and I mentioned I have a bit of reduction for health reasons and she asked what health reasons. So I decided not to pretend anymore and just told her about my problems, about my depression and anxiety. She told me some stuff my mother told me, that all people have problems and so on, but she was also more understanding. She said that probably nobody really understands if they don’t have the experience, which is more than my mum ever said. And then she started talking, a lot, about my mum and their problems. She gave me the point of view I needed so much. I won’t go in many details, because it was personal, but I understood, I felt, how hurt she was. She and my grandfather were trying to do the right thing as they saw it and my mum just cut them off. I feel bitter… I understand both of them, both their sides, I know they are both hurt and yet I cannot do anything. I cannot tell one or the other to talk to the other side. They are grown-ups…but it hurts to think that my grandmother might die and never feel that her daughter loves her. And I think she does, that’s why she’s always so mean… And I wonder, why life has to be so complicated… I wish to fix this, but I can’t, I can’t tell them to just talk to each other, when both feel they did nothing wrong.

I also told my grandmother, how I felt about it, that it hurt me how things fell apart. That we were happy family and suddenly we weren’t. That I was confused and that it still hurts. That I’m afraid of my own wedding, because I’m worried that they’ll argue there. That it hurts that I can’t invite all my family, because my mum would literally kill me, if I invited my uncle and aunt. Or she would refuse to go. She said so when she thought I’m thinking about it. Well, not the killing part, but she was pretty shocked… I’m the last one to defend my mum, because I know how difficult she can be. I know she has hard time admitting her mistakes and she remebers every single bad thing someone told her or done to her. However, I do get her, I get her point of view as much as I get my grandma. Her daughter just cut her off, she doesn’t call and doesn’t care, she’s acting like she’s not interested, and all for some piece of property. My mum sees it differently, but again, I don’t want to put myself in the middle of this.

Weird thing is, I talked about the real reasons I quitted my job last week and about the real things I want to do with my life. I was open about how her I about what I felt and I wasn’t judged… My grandmother listened to me and even acted like she understood! Did she really? I don’t know, but she was at least trying to be supportive, she listened to my fears about my future, my problems, I told her honestly why I have problems connecting with my sister and for the first in looooong time, someone from my family actually listened. Really listened. Perhaps not agreed and I didn’t agree with everything she said, but she did listen! And I realised one thing, not only is my mum very much like her mother, even though she don’t want to admit it, but I’m very much like my grandmother. And this day, maybe, was a beginning. The day we both might be able to put our lives back together. I feel so, not as the child I used to be, but as an adult woman. It hurts to let go of past illusions, but it feel lifting to get this new relationship. I decided today to try and give this a chance. Call my grandmother more often, talk to her when she’s back in town and just try. It’s worth the effort, if I can put my life back together. It won’t ever be the same. I will always feel hurt at my boyfriend’s family parties, where they are all happy and together, but I have chance. A chance to have someone in my family, who gets me or at least tries to. And who supports me openly, with all her heart. Because that’s what my grandmother told me, that she loves and that she will support me if I ever need anything.

I hope I shed some light into her life today and that we gave each other hope that at least the two of us together can have a realtionship. I still feel confused about my feelings and not sure what to think, but at least there’s hope. A hope I might be able to put myself and my life back together.

I Participate in TheHeartProject

Today I’ve found out a great new project for raising awareness about mental disorders. It is not written in this picture, but the original post also said that this is a new project, which is why there are not all disorders. So if you have something that does not have any color yet, you can just create your own and photograph it.

You can choose one heart that describes you most right now or you can draw all the hearts that you feel describe your experience, it’s totally up to you. I decided to include all hearts that describe my history with mental disorder. The black liner is not to highlight my suicidal history, I just wanted to make the hearts more visible.

If you want to, join me and other in this project, draw heart or hearts, add the hashtag and don’t hide behind the stigma anymore!