The Price of Sanity

I’ve made really not very pleasant discovery last week and that is what it costs to have long-term therapy.

I was seeing therapist for almost a year in my university town and it was great, it helped me a lot and the therapist was amazing. And it was covered by my insurance, which was also great help. Unfortunately, everything ends and so did my therapy, because in June I moved back to my home. So I went to see my psychiatrist here and asked for recommendation of new therapist, because the last one advised me to continue with the sessions. And I learned that I could get insurance payed one, but only short-term, which means about ten sessions and that’s it. If I want long term, I have to pay for it myself and it’s not small amount.

Personally, I think I could afford at least two sessions per month, that’s not the problem. I have the money, so I’m ok. But it got me thinking about the whole big picture. Imagine someone is having really bad depression and/or anxiety and it prevents them from having a regular job and supporting themselves. They are short of money and they are told that they get only ten sessions covered by insurance and if they want or need long-term therapy, they have to pay for it full. Which they can’t, because they can’t have a full-time job, so they don’t have the money to pay for the therapy that could help the get full-time job and get money and so on.

I guess other insurance companies might have better options, but honestly, I don’t believe it much. The one in my college town was probably only covered because it was in a support center for children and young adults. And I don’t know what is the solution, what is the way to get the help and support mentally ill people need. I just know it makes me sad and angry…

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There Are So Many People Out There

I went to my psychiatrist to get a paper to school, so I can ask for lower tuition fee and I found there a poster for a website about depressions. I decided to check it, because I want to learn some more information about my disorder and to find some professional staff I could post here, beside of the creations of my malfunctioning brain.

It was a good and also bad decision. Good because there really are useful information for me and also for people outside these problems, bad because the web has a section for personal stories… So many people! I mean literally, so many people asking, if their problems are normal, if this is curable, saying they’re exhausted of all this. It almost made me cry, because I wish I could tell all these people, that there is a chance for them! That what they’re going through is hard and painful, but it doesn’t have to be like that, that they are not weird or broken, because they feel this way. How is it possible that so many people still have to suffer the pain and shame and exhaustion, because there is a lack of information about mental health?! I mean, we can travel to space, we can travel pretty much anywhere anytime around the Earth, yet some teenage girl writes there that when she talks about depression with her parents, her mother laughs and her father thinks she just wants to skip school! It makes me so angry! I was that teenage girl, afraid to tell her parents, afraid to tell my friends, putting up a mask of perfect daughter, perfect student, yet inside suffering terribly, desperately wanting someone to tell me that I’m not making this up, that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy! Well, when I told my friends, just about five of them actually tried to understand, the rest thought I’m really just seeking attention, so I can understand the girl’s fear. How is it possible that we learn so much about physical health, we know what to eat or don’t, what is healthy, what sports are good and so many stuff, but we don’t learn about mental health?! How how HOW?!?!

Next time someone asks me why I need to “advertise” my depressions, I’ll tell them that THIS is WHY! If I can spread the word about mental disorders to just a hundred people there, most of them my friends on facebook, than I DID SOMETHING! If I can change what just a few people out there think about mental problems, show them that it’s nothing weird or unnatural or laughable or weak or despicable or just bad, then I do a good job! If I change the world just a little little bit, then it’s worth opening up and writing about the darkest thoughts and feelings my mind can produce. Nobody deserves this, NOBODY! I just wish I could hug all these people and tell them that it will get better, tell them, that they are not alone… but I can’t, so this is the least I can do.

What Was I Waiting For?!

When I was fifteen or so, I realized that the “strange” feelings, thoughts and emotions I had had for some years already, are depressions. I felt terrible, because I was taught that I should be strong and should be able to deal with everything. And I wasn’t. I was eighteen, almost nineteen, when I went to psychiatrist and got antidepressants. I was twenty-three, when I decided to visit psychologist.

I was twenty-three just about nine months ago… And things got much better after that! I can’t keep asking myself “what took you so long?!”. I could have been so much better now, if I had started years ago, as my boyfriend wanted me to. To be honest, sometimes I get pretty angry at myself, but on the other hand, what was I supposed to do, I was fifteen when I realized the nature of my problems. I was ashamed to tell my parents, because I knew they wanted me to be strong and I thought they had enough problems with my older sister and her kind of emotional teenage years and just emotional life. I didn’t want them to have more problems, I wanted them to love me and I thought they wouldn’t, if they knew. I was ashamed of myself. I wanted to kill myself when I was fifteen, because I thought I didn’t deserve to live in this world. I tried so hard to fit in my class, to fit among people, but I always felt apart. I always felt much older, I felt like I’m not even from this world. I felt such pain inside and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was fifteen! At this age, I also “learnt” from my “friends” that I shouldn’t trust people. I had a group of friends, I thought it was the kind of group that stays forever. I tried to told them, I tried to explain, but all I heard was that I was too touchy and close and they turned away. They spoke ill about me behind my back, they bullied me and to this day I remeber one thing one of them told me…he said that if I really wanted to kill myself, I would do it and not only talk about, that I just wanted attention. Such thing really helps a mind that can store all those bad things… And it really “helped” me to think that I can tell something like that to my parents.

I finally went to psychiatrist for the pills when I was eighteen and legally adult, so I didn’t have to tell my parents about it. The pills helped, they helped a lot, but I despised myself even more for being weak, for not being able to deal with it on my own. The guy I dated at the time, I think he actually broke up with me because of my illness. I know he had hard time being with me, I was emotional and all, but in anger, he also said things I remeber to this day. I know he said one day, that he is tired because he had to spend his time worring what I was going to do without him guarding me. I have new boyfriend now, well, “new” as we are almost four years together, but to this day, I’m afraid he will leave me, because he will realize that he can’t live with me, that I’m too much trouble, too much worrying, too much emotions and just too much… I know I’m hurting him with these doubts, but after all this and much more, I have really hard time believing I’m worth all this trouble I cause.

I went to psychologist after I almost broke down before graduating university. Me and my boyfriend argued a lot, I was nervous, it was just too much… I started cutting myself, which was something I hadn’t done for a really long time. I felt so much pain I wasn’t able to stand it. I felt like it’s going to cut me from inside. I stopped caring if anyone see the cuts. I actually showed to them to one of my college friends, who said in a very disapproving voice that I didn’t need to do that. Yeah, like she knew anything… So I went to the psychologist and almost broke into tears there. I was just so exhausted, to this day I have no idea how I was able to study for my exams, pass them and actually pass them well. I wished someone would come and place me into some hospital, where I wouldn’t have to do anything and people would just tell me what to do, because thinking was so much trouble…

But, things got better, I even talked to my parents and told them the truth. They took it pretty well, it was hard for them, it’s still pretty hard, but our relationship have gotten much much better since and I’m grateful for that. And I keep thinking, why didn’t I go to a psychologist before? I knew where to go, I just felt like I have to deal with it on my own, otherwise I’m weak. I get pretty angry at myself fromt time to time, because I could have saved myself so much trouble and pain, if I just decided to go to this psychologist earlier. I know it’s something I need to forgive myself and I’m trying, but…

So if you’re out there, having problems, please don’t wait and find some help. The pain it’s not worth the waiting and there are qualified people, who can help you. I know it’s hard, I know nobody wants to admit these problems, but please, do it for youself. Things will get better, you will get better!