I wanted to write about my Christmas and holiday and New Year’s Eve and all, but today, I have a more pressing problem taking me away from my work. I’m getting really worried about my future, it’s driving me crazy, literally. Next year this time I will be studying for my final exams and hopefully getting my master’s degree, but what after that?
I know the plan should be getting already some experience in my field, finding future available jobs etc, but the question in my head is, “Am I even able to function as a normal person in adult life?” I honestly cannot imagine going to a work every day, because what happens when I won’t feel “well”? In another words, what if just the thought of going out and deal with everything will switch my brain into panic and non-working state? When my head gets overloaded, it just stops working, I can’t concentrate, I can’t think, I can’t even talk or move, my brain is incapable of sending those signals. I hear my boyfriend talking to me, I know I should respond, I even say the sentence in my head, but it doesn’t reach my mouth. Imagine this happening somewhere in an office. Me, staring blankly somewhere, people talking to me, while I’m unable to get my brain to send some signals to my body to move and speak and just behave like a normal human being.
I got really worried about this during this exam period. It’s very hard to study, when your brain is on strike, but you know you have to, so you force your head to cooperate, for some time and then it’s even worse. No wonder I sleep so much these days! But anyway, it got me really worried about future, how do you even talk to an employer about depressions? Do you tak about it? How can you convince someone you are able to work for them, when you can’t even convince yourself?
I don’t want to be dependent on my parents for the rest of their lives and I don’t want to be a burden to my partner. But I don’t know how I will be able to financially support myself with my weird brain and it’s really scary. So it doesn’t help that I think about this when I should be studying, because it only makes things worse…