Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm, suicide, eating disorder
So… I don’t even know where to start. Things are bad and I’m spiralling. And I feel incredibly lonely, because… I feel as if everybody is expecting me to fight, to figure things out, to have a plan, to pretend that everything is fine and I’m happy. But I’m not. I have moments when I feel happy, but I am not happy.
I lost my disability in January. I tried appealing the decision, but I lost that too. Dealing with this whole mess was very traumatic for me. It was, it is, so bad that I don’t think I have even been able to accurately express to people around me how bad it actually is.
It is a financial hit for me. While the money wasn’t great, it was something. Even before that I struggled really bad with anxiety when it came to my income, this made it even worse. Like hundred times worse. I tried pushing it away, I concentrated on writing the appeal and fighting.
I was asked to come for evaluation. I did and that only made things worse. Basically, the doctor there just… basically told me I never should have even gotten the disability in the first place, because my mental illness is only classified with light impairment and I have university degree and I have never been hospitalized, so I must be overall doing fine etc. I don’t remember it well, because I was falling apart inside. I felt dismissed and not taken seriously.
I left the room and immediately spiralled into a complete meltdown. I remember that I couldn’t breath, I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I sank on a chair, gasping for air so bad I felt dizzy and I kept pressing hands to my temples, which is something I do when my anxiety gets really bad. I must have been quite loud, because the doctor came out and she saw what a mess I was. I remember that she brought me water and some pill to help me calm down and she talked to me a bit more. I think she felt guilty, because she probably realized that her decision screwed my life. But maybe I’m just giving her too much benefit of the doubt.
What the overall situation is… basically, the law sees that I am indeed fucked up enough to actually struggle and my ability to work is impaired. But I am not fucked up enough to actually qualify for any help. Because my diagnosis is on paper considered to be only fairly light impairment and there are no other circumstances that would support that I actually do struggle a lot, I don’t need help. I mean, I have a degree, right? Who cares that the only way I was able to get one was that my parents were able to fully support me through the whole university?! Who cares that if I had to support myself, even partially, I would fail? And I have never been hospitalized, that means I’m actually not doing that bad, you know. It doesn’t matter that the thought of being hospitalized, with people I don’t know, in a place where I don’t have my space and my privacy, scares me to death. Just the thought gives me anxiety. Or that at times, like recently, I just couldn’t afford to go anywhere, because I had work and I had to keep my deadline?
I feel failed. Betrayed. Invisible. Unimportant. I have always tried to do my best. I have worked on my issues, on my triggers, I did my best to learn to communicate my needs, to set boundaries, to study, to work, to live to the best of my abilities. And it’s not enough. Not only that, it actually made things worse in this situation. Because apparently if I actually didn’t do all this work to be as “normal” and as “functioning” as I could, it would count to my benefit, because it would show how much I struggle. I feel that I was actually doing a bit better last year, I was moving forward at least a bit. And then somebody came, took the rug out from under me and I fell. And I don’t see why I should even try to get back up.
You see, there are always these two voices in my head. You can imagine a cartoon, where you have a tiny angel on one shoulder and a tiny devil on the other. The angel is the one that keeps pushing me to be better, to move forward. Sure, she can be a bitch, because she never lets me feel good about my achievements, but at least she makes me work on myself, push my boundaried and improve. The devil is pretty much just pure self-destruction. It takes a real effort for me to actually care about my life. Deep down, I don’t really feel a connection to myself or my life. So it’s really hard to feel emotions, feel invested, do all the work on myself and my relationships, because deep, deep, deep inside me there’s a black space of nothingness.
And now I don’t have any ammo against the devil. I don’t have an answer to her, when she wants me to cut myself. Or to starve, because I’m terrified of gaining even a gram of weight, especially now that I lost a little bit. Because what good did it do for me to fight her, huh? I can’t even begin to describe the contempt that I felt after I was denied the appeal. Seriously, just imagine a tiny devil on your shoulder saying “Oh, they think you’re not fucked up enough? Oh I show them… What’s better, trying to cut yourself with an actual sharp objects, falling into an eating disorder that you have been fighting off for years, or both? Oh I’ll show them. They want the truth, fine, I’ll give them the truth!”
And I’m in this weird place, where I feel this way. But I have also worked on myself enough to not fall into that, at least right away. But I don’t have will or strength to actually fight. I want to care, but it seems like a lot of work. I want to self-destruct, but that’s too much work as well. So… mostly, I don’t care and I feel nothing. And if I feel something sometimes, like right now, it’s pain. And fear.
I’m esentially trapped. I don’t have many options for my future. And I feel that even talking about feeling empty is a burden to people around me. Because they want me to be happy, to smile, to pretend. And I do that, because explaining how I really feel is so complex that where would I even begin? Look at all this text that I wrote and I could still go on… And people don’t want to listen to speeches, at least usually.
But I’m scared. Because I don’t see any hope in the future.