Pain and Confused Thoughts

So I thought yesterday that sleep would help with the anxiety, but the truth is…not really. I woke up pretty messed up, tired, because I didn’t sleep half the night, my brain just wouldn’t shut up and my heartbeat was even worse than yesterday. Preparing breakfast was heroic task, my heart was racing and I had trouble catching breath. I really wanted to go back to bed, because f**k this, if I want frantic heartbeat, I’d go jogging!

But I did go out anyway, I need to, and I made it, I’m so good… Although honestly, even puttin on make-up was like running for my life. I’m just glad the fresh air helped a bit and I was able to do what I wanted to, mostly. Yeah, I just felt weak and sick, but whatever… It’s not like I need energy anyway, that’s overrated.

Mostly, I’m not sure what I feel. At leadt right now. I was tired and stressed. And inadequate… My sister arrived today, happy to tell me how she’s losing weight, she spent the evening talking with my parents, so I just wanted to hide. I have alcohol for that at least, I guess finally I could sleep tonight.

I’ve planned exercise for almost month now, but my body and brain doesn’t really work together. I thought when I’d finish my diploma thesis, but then I got anxious, depressed and pretty much just weird and damaged. I slept half December and the second half I feel like I’m running even when I’m just listening to music. I vomitted most of last week, yeah, great to know, I guess :-). It’s just fun, when after pretty much every meal my stomach decided that “nope” and I was sick, I spent the week on cola, very healthy I know.

I want to exercise and I want to love my body, but it’s hard, when your brain makes you sick and then makes you feel bad for being sick, week and tired… I’ll have wedding in August and feel like complete disgusting s**t and ruin everything.

I’m inadequate, I’ve always been. I wish to have good relationship with my mum, but she’s so unpredictable it’s safer to hide. I want to talk to my dad, but when I have a chance, I don’t know what to say. My sister just comes home and can do both. And I sit in my (half-)room feeling sorry for myself and I wish everyone would leave me alone. Because I’m this great person that doesn’t fit anywhere. And I can’t say anything, I wish to just come home, talk about stuff and belong, but I don’t. I don’t belong anywhere ad being home just makes me really tired and stressed, because I lack the ability the just be and communicate. I’m tired because of my anxiety, sleep is a problem, but explaining this to my mother? I wish…

I wish…to just belong. That’s what I have always wanted. To belong and to be accepted just the way I am. But right now, I just feel alone, scared and confused. Why can my sister belong to my family and I sit here being confused, because my family relationships are fu**ed up and I have no idea what to do.  Like…I invite them to my wedding and they kill each other or something like that. Or my mum refuses to go, because I don’t follow what she wants me to do.

I’m just going to end this, as my sister feels I’m keeping her awake, doesn’t matter that she does the same to me often, right… I just wish I could see a simple way out of this.

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Sort of Confession

Those who know me longer know I drink quite a lot, I know they joke about it, often in front of me. I try to laugh it off, but yeah, they’re right. It’s just that sometimes it’s the only thing that numbs the pain or anxiety. And then there are entire weeks when I pretty much don’t drink at all and I don’t even feel the need to. And then there are days between, when I do pretty ok, yet I still feel like I need some safety blanket, because I can never know when things get bad again and I can’t sleep and I feel like I’ll jump out of my skin and it’s overwhelming. And there is a choice how to cope, I hurt myself or I drink. Or I take a pill to calm down, pill that can very easily be addictive. Not much of a good choices, I know, especially when alcohol can give me one hell of a migraine.

2012-06-14-Unease

No Light at the End of This Dark and Cold Tunnel

2012-11-08-nononono

Once again has come a time, when everything just sucks. I really don’t know, what is wrong with me. Well, I know, my brain stopped cooperating with me again.  It’s almost two weeks now, since it got really bad, I have anxiety attacks almost every day, yesterday I actually spend most of my energy to suppressing anxiety in a hope to went through the day. It’s like there’s no end of this dark hole I’m in. The worst part is the self-loathing, when half of my head is screaming at me, that I’m weak, ugly, terrible girlfriend, just the worst person ever living on this Earth. I cried so many times, I’m feeling like crying right now…

I’m the worst, torturing myself and everyone… Is it going to be like this all my life? It’s been two weeks, I tried to do things, I started with yoga at home, but all I really want is to just sleep all the time. Because being awake is just walking in a really dark cold tunnel without any light at the end. Nothing makes sense, really. Why should I try? Why should I keep going, when in the end it feels like there is no sense in wasting my energy?

2011-10-13-a bad day

I wish I could stop blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for being alone this evening, because my boyfriend is at a ball with his friend. And I know she has a boyfriend and I know he loves me, but I also know she is much hotter than me and also much better dancer and much better company. It’s like I destroyed everything. He wanted to buy the tickets there for my birthday, so we could go together, but I refused to go because of the way I look. I’m fat and ugly, I don’t want to embarrass him with my presence. I told him I’m ok with him going with someone else, because I don’t want to destroy his life just because I’m a fat piece of sh*t. I destroyed so many things by now because of the way I look, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m fat and ugly, it’s my fault and I’m the one that should pay the price. It just hurts so much inside, I want to scream, but I cannot. So I drink and cry. I don’t want to hurt myself, but the get the pain away is so big! I wish I could be with him, seing him handsome in suit, dancing…but I couldn’t do it. I just think about the people seeing him with a girl much more beautiful than me… They must think that he has it much better now than with me. I wish to go out with him, to spend time outside, laughing, feeling good, just doing things together. But we don’t do together almost anything. I’m not in a mood to do anything, I feel so bad about myself…and I’m so scared he will leave me, because why would anyone want to be with me, it’s so difficult, he will want to have a normal girl, not me…

I have a work meeting tomorrow, so I cannot have scars, but I could have long sleeves or something. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore! All this darkness and coldness and pain. And thinking that there are so many things I could do, but at the end it feels like wasting energy… Why would anyone want to be with me? Why would they bother… I know I should be positive and everything, but I’m exhausted by just trying to live. I know it will get better, eventually, but the waiting is trying to kill me, destroy me. I know it will get better, someday, but honestly… I don’t believe it. It will always be hard, it will always be dark and cold, there will always be some little corner in my head making me feel bad. And I’m so exhausted, but not tired to go and sleep. I’m awake enough to make every thought hit me like a whip, burning inside, making me want to rip my chest open…but it won’t go away, no matter how much I wish it would. It’s just hopelessness, darkness and cold…

2012-02-23-Down down down

I Really “Love” Coming Home

I really “love” coming home to my parents… I’ve come today after two weeks and I wanted to go back to my real home just about five minutes after meeting my mum. I think of a real home to the flat me and my boyfriend share with five other people, that’s ironic…

Well, I came home and then a friend came to bring me somethings. I went outside, just in the things I wear at home, leaving my “normal” things spread on bed, because I’m really “tidy”. I’m stressing this for the things coming. So anyway I was talking to my friend outside, when I saw my mum coming home and waved at her, convinced she saw me. I spent there another five or ten minutes and then came back, meeting my mum outside the apartment behaving like I ran away or something! I mean, what did she think? My laptop was on, my things were inside, I obviously went out couple minutes ago just in my home things… Oh and the flat was locked, so nobody obviously kidnapped me. She said herself, that she thought I just went outside for a few minutes for something, but she freaked out anyway, she said she searched the apartment (even the bathroom, what she expected, me in a pool of blood?!), she called me (I had my phone in my pocket, but didn’t hear it outside) and she was going outside to look for me. I have never seen her acting like this, saying I stressed her out so much she needs a drink… And then, a thought came to me, that somehow, she freaked out because of my mental problems. I asked her few times what she thought and she just muttered something and I really felt like she was worried so much because of my illness…and she made me feel super guilty for making her worried so much.

In that moment, I felt like I need a drink. It felt so humiliating! Like I was some sort of weird unpredictable creature that can do something stupid anytime. I know I overreact a bit, but it’s just because I get so frustrated with her. I try to understand how hard it is for them to deal with my problems, I try to answer all their question patiently, no matter how uncomfortable I get or how many times they asked the same question, but still, I feel like their looking at me as some sort of alien with two heads or something! I really don’t know how to deal with this, how to approach them…

And I am at home for about 8 hours and I feel like I need a drink really bad, well more like a whole bottle. My mum arguing with my dad over some stupid things, telling me what to do with my life and what she thinks about me deciding to end one of my studies… Yes, she means it well, trying to help by giving her opinion… And I don’t have the courage to tell her that I don’t asked for her opinion, because I don’t want to hurt her, when she’s trying so much… and I try to remind myself of this over and over again, but usually I get so tired after two days at home that I don’t want to come back for looooong time. And then I feel guilty, because my mum tells me how she misses me and how she looks forward to seing me again…honestly I feel like the worst daughter in all the world and I have no idea what to do, how to behave, how to get comfortable in all this… And I feel totally ungreateful for having so caring parents, then feeling like nobody’s listening to me here and then I usually have a panic attack. Or drink(s).

So after all this super confusing and exhausting coming home, I really need a drink. Thank God we have wine.

2010-12-27-Best played alone

 

Accepting “Mentally Ill” Label

3.11.2014

I have to confess something. I don’t think I have accepted myself and depressions so far. There are moments when I feel proud in a way, proud of being different, perhaps have deeper understanding for people, but then there are moment or entire days like this, when I just feel like a piece of s**t. I guess I’m depressed or may be I just struggle to accept and embrace something, that is unacceptable for lot of people in my country.

About two weeks ago, a mentally ill woman attacked high school kids. I think she was schizophrenic and it was high school…but the point is, she killed a boy there. When I saw discussion sections under articles about it, it made me really sick. People just hating everyone labeled “mentally ill”, wanting to kill the woman, to select and imprison everyone mentally ill… And just a handful of people trying to criticize the system here, that takes care of mentally ill. Not one person asked “what about the woman, how she feels”. I know she killed a boy and I do pity his family, but after all this, I just have to wonder, how does the woman feel. I suppose she didn’t know what she was doing and suddenly she was accused of murder. And people were just standing in line to spit on her. To spit on everyone “not normall”. I felt sad and afraid. Afraid of the way people might see me, if they knew there are moments when I’m also not in control of myself. Those moments are quite few nowadays, but there are still…and they were. Moments when I hate myself so deeply I just want to do the world a favor and end my life. Moments when my hatred is so big I want my boyfriend to hurt me, to hit me, so I shout at him all sort of bad things in hope he’ll do it. Moments when I feel so cold inside and everything seems dark, while I stare in the air, eyes wide open in a warm light room. Where are the moments I wanted to run away, just run and run, so I ran in the middle of the road and I hoped a car would hit me. Thankfully, it was night and there was no car anywhere. Just my boyfriend hoping I would come back. And me feeling I just can’t take it anymore, I just can’t live this life anymore, just can’t be myself anymore. I did came back, my “normal” side managed to take control. And I felt even worse, knowing I hurt him so badly. Or the times when I felt there’s a voice inside my head ordering me to hurt myself, telling me I have no chance to win, to escape and one day, I would just fall and die. Deep down, I’m scared all the time that he would leave me. I see the life he has with me, the pain, the problems, the scenes and I’m scared that one day this will all be too much. It was too much for my ex and he didn’t even saw the worst of me.

How can I learn to accept this?! I can’t even tell anymore, when depressions are affecting the way I feel and when not. Is it all the time? Is it every time I’m sad? Is it now? Or am I just tired and under pressure? Every time I feel sad and “just not myself” I ask “is it me, or just the illness”? Can I even differentiate one from the other anymore? Or should I just say “this is all me, the good and the bad”? How can I embrace something I can’t even name out loud in front of people, most of the time? How can I feel complete, when I see the struggle my parents are having to accept this reality? When they can’t say the word “depression” aloud? When my mum is struggling to accept that her daughter is taking antidepressants, talking about her visits to psychologist and psychiatrist? How can I accept all this when I know how I hurt them? How confused they are, because of all this? How can I live my life knowing that anytime it can get much worse and I can start losing control again? And are those people right, am I a danger for others? Should I be locked somewhere? Would it be better?

I’m scared. Scared of the future, but mostly just scared of myself. I know where all this can take me. I’ve been there, really deep down there and I know how nasty it can get. I know the hurt and the pain. I remember all those things I wish I could take back, all those moments I destroyed with this part of me. All those evenings with my boyfriend that I took away forever. I can’t accept my illness, because I can’t forgive myself. I can’t say “it wasn’t me, it was this something inside me that did it”. Because I feel like I did even though I also didn’t. I have all these answers and I’m totally confused. I can’t tell what is “normal” anymore, because I’ve never really experienced “the normal”.

 

4.11.2014

Continuing today with similar issue. I just feel so…weird, frustrated… I’ve been to department of my university that deals with people with special study requirement. I’ve been to discuss, if they can help me in some way with depressions and migraines. I can get more time for written exams, write them in separate room, I could also get individual course of study, but so far, I don’t want to. I’m still trying to be “normal”, although I feel that I can’t pretend anymore. I feel forced to accept the “mentally ill” label. I’m not forced by someone specific, it’s just the feeling, the circumstances. It’s so hard, I was always taught to be strong and deal with things and I have strong need to control things. I don’t like to share responsibilities and I don’t like people telling me what I should do. And right here, in my own head, body, mind is something I can’t control, not completely. Something throwing me off my way, disrupting my life. Taking control away from me. Forcing me to accept special terms at school. And worst of all, making me feel embarrassed when my boyfriend excuses my behavior, because I have these problems. I know he means well and I appreciate it, but it also makes me feel something less, something that needs excuses so that he could live with me. He makes me feel safe and loved, but these past days I was pretty bitchy, because I just can’t stand him excusing me, the vulnerability and loss of control that comes with all that. I kind of hate myself for this, but I have no idea how to deal with it. I need to find a way to accept depressions and learn to live with it, with the good and bad, and I need to do this on my own. I know my boyfriend, my friends, my family…they all try to help and support me, but none of them really understands and none of them can really tell me how to cope with this. Because it’s terrifying, all this instability in my life, it’s like living on a roller-coaster, going up and down and up and down… it’s exhausting!. I can’t even be really happy without a voice in my head warning me to get ready for the way down that’s coming next. It scares me that this might never change, I’m not sure I’m strong enough for decades of living like this.