I have to admit I’m quite afraid of Christmas time. I always feel pressured to be happy and feel good and I feel guilty when I’m not that happy as I think I should be. Also my parents think I should sit with them talking and watching TV, when all I want to do is make a good tea and read a book or watch a movie, alone… So I feel compelled to do what they want and not destroy Christmas and as a result, I’m tensed and upset. Or perhaps I just miss the enchanting time Christmas used to be when I was little, when I actually loved doing all that without thinking if I’m happy enough and if I’m not, what is wrong with me.
I love giving presents and thinking of the best gift, I just don’t like that I’m expected to spend with my parents, just so they would be happy. And I really don’t know how to explain that without them getting angry, because I have different needs. Somehow, people have hard time understanding, that I don’t need group of people around me all the time. I like people and I like hanging out with friends and all, but sometimes I also enjoy being completely alone. When I say this I see this “are you normal?” look, like it’s so weird that I don’t need other people to have a good time. It’s really driving me crazy! And I’m tired of explain this again and again hoping for people to understand and getting lot of hurt instead, because if I want to be alone, that means I don’t like them, I’m selfish because they want to spend time with me and I don’t want them and…!!!
I just hope that this Christmas will be calm and happy, but I guess I’m just naive.