In Autumn

I know I really take lot of time to write. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be. Which is weird, because I have so many things to talk about. The problem is, I just don’t like autumn and I’m tired most of the time. I like summer, the weather is nice and warm, the sun is shining, I have lot of time to enjoy it… And them comes autumn… The weather gets gloomy, it often rains, I look from a window and I see temperature inversion or fog or whatever it is, so there is just seamless gray sky and I just feel like getting back to bed and sleep all the time. It has got better these past few weeks, but I actually spend lot of time sleeping in the beginning of October. My school started, well my two schools started, lot of things changed, I began to live with my boyfriend and I guess it was just all too much. I talked about it with my psychologist and she said that it’s normal for people with depressions to feel this way. Sun is very important for us and the way we feel and when it’s gone most of the time, people like me can be affected a lot by this. I like autumnal colors, I like it when the sun si shining and I go through a park and there are colorful leaves everywhere…, but most of the time, there is just this gloomy day, when it never becomes really light out, just some sort of half-day.

Autumn is also the time of year, when lot of bad things happened to me, so I get nervous, afraid there will be something bad again… I wanted to kill myself some years ago in autumn, everything was just all too much and I didn’t have the strenght to go on. It was also the time when I had my dance lessons and felt totally ugly and unwanted and ended up with the worst dancer in the group for the last lesson. I guess I was too complicated for people around me, because most of them just thought I’ m too touchy or closed. Not all of them, there were people really supporting me, but only just few of them.

My grandaunt died in autumn, two months before my 18th birthday. Those birthdays are very important in my country, because you become legally adult. And I hoped to get closer to her and I thought that being adult would help. I saw that her relationship with my sister got closer when she became adult and I hoped I would get the same. But I never got the chance. My grandaunt was heavy smoker and she fought intestinal cancer for some years. She lost it and died in sleep in hospital. I still remember all this so vividly, seeing her ICU with all those machines around, visiting her at the cottage when she was sick, then learning about her death. I still feel pain and want to cry when I think about this. I desperatelly wanted to be close to her and envied the adults around me for having better relationship with her. I never got the chance, I will never have that chance again. I just hope I will stop hurting for this one day. When I look back, I realize how much I needed someone to understand, to talk about this, but I couldn’t talk about it with my family. I talked about my aunt with my friends and I know they did their best to understand and help me, but it wasn’t enough. I don’t blame them, I didn’t know how to talk about all those things I felt and I guess they didn’t know what to say. I don’t thing I really cried for her a lot. I did, inside, but I was so used to hide my emotions I don’t think I cried real tears a lot.

There are more things that happened in autumn, like some of my “friends” bullying me and so on, but I guess my grandaunt and the terrible weather is why I don’t like autumn. I know I have to let go of these things, I just don’t know how. I hope one day, I will be able to do it.