Lonely Rant From a Lonely Scared Girl

Soooo…. I’m fucked up. Yeah, nice way to greet you all after such a long time. I have several post in the middle of writing, but left them. Probably finish them soon, because they are very real and accurate. But right now, it’s this.

I’m… anxious, depressed, scared, angry, there are lot of emotions in my head running wild, I’ve been fighting exhausting anxiety attack whole day. Right now, I’m drowning it in alcohol, good old alcohol. Very mature and very adult, I know. Like I’m either of those things anyway.

So what got me in such a “great” mood? I  have a job, an actual fultime job, not in my field, but earning money anyway. And I’m already screwing up. Or at least my mind is. Or my body. I can’t really tell anymore. I’m ok with the job, it’s not the best one, but I earn at least some money and not be burden for my parents. I’m not excited about the job, but I’m ok with it. But my health is getting worse. I’m trying to convince myself that it will get better that I will get used to all of that, getting up early, being with people all the time, with all their noise and emotions and all that. I’m sick and anxious every day. My hands shake, I get nauseous, light-headed, tired… it’s just… too much? And it’s scary, more than I say. Because what if I can’t work at a normal job, even if I more or less like it? I don’t want to depend on my parents. Or my husband. I want to work, why can’t I work?!

I’m scared. And angry. I didn’t choose to be like this. My bullies made me this way. They damaged me, broke me… Why do I have to pay for what they did? Why my life has to be so hard, when they are just ok? Why I have to fight for everything, when it’s not my fault that I’m like this?! It’s… scary. And exhausting. I want to work. I want to contribute to society, whatever that means. I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m damaged goods, I guess. I feel like it. I broke down today, I cried… three times? Then I took my anxiety pill. And now I’m trying to not think about it.

And it comes back, the thought asking “Why I can’t just be normal?”. Like other people, functioning adult. I…wish I was pregnant. Than my life would have direction and meaning. But my husband doesn’t want kids just yet. He wants kids, but the thought of me being pregnant right now scares him. And I thought he was the one who couldn’t wait to have a child. I’m afraid that when I get pregnant, his family will be all in our lives, controlling it and all that, they’re all so close…

What do I do? I tried to be normal, to fit in those stupid boxes, to have a normal job, work, be normal. But I’m not and what if I never am.

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Trigger Me

I’ve been radio silent for some time, mostly because I’m trying to hide from everything. Well, from life. I graduated from university. I should be happy, I guess. But now comes the adult part and the reason I mostly hide.

Pretty often people ask me, if I have a job already or how does the job searching going. And I’m obliged to reply that I’m still unemployed. And I feel like an idiot, because the truth is, the whole thing is triggering my anxiety massively. Job searching consists of contacting strangers, meeting with strangers and ultimately going to job for several hours a day. Just the contacting scares me, but the prospect of meeting strangers terrifies me, because I hate meeting new people. I get nervous, don’t know what to say and that’s not the best for job interview, which basically consist of questions… And then the reality of having to go to work. I guess it doesn’t help that adults around me have been assuring me that I’ll never have enough time for anything anymore and I won’t have any money and so on. So it all has gone so far that actually just mentioning the job searching triggers pretty bad anxiety.

And recently I’ve been having vivid nightmares again, mostly about job and future, but also about children. About me being mother. It usually goes the way that I realized that I haven’t fed the baby for hours or days, I haven’t seen it, I realize I might have just killed it. Or that I held the baby in some bad way and I hurt it possibly for life. Last night I’ve dreamed about the neglect thing and also that I was in psychiatric ward after the birth and everybody was just looking at me like I’m piece of shit. And I wasn’t even able to feel something for the baby, like it wasn’t mine. And today almost every time I reload facebook, what do I see? My sister-in-law’s ultrasound of her baby, she posted it and now she and her husbands are replying to the congratulations. So it’s there, most of the day, triggering me over and over and over again.

Also the fact that it seems that everyone has their shit together and I’m just sitting here, wasting my life. No job, no money, just waste of space. And rapid mood swings. Seriously, it’s terrible, my mood is changing pretty rapidly, even my psychologist asked me about it several times, it changes sometimes few times a day. If I’m lucky, I have the same mood at least for one day. Also I think my anxiety is getting worse in general and that’s not good at all.

So mostly, I just pretend I’m not here and there is no future. No job, no strangers, no “you’ll never have time and money and never be happy”, no adult life.

Happy New Year And All That Sh*t

I think this Robot Hugs comics describes my life right now very well.

2016-01-07-start

Well, the only problem is that my stomach is having a bad time and I’m sick a lot, so no wine for me… Apart from that, too many things are changing and it’s scaring the sh*t out of me. Yesterday I broke down and cried for like half an hour, couldn’t sleep and now I’m tired and generally depressed. I should study, but even the thought of concentrating on that is exhausting, I want to cry, curl up in bed and disappear. When I say I’m terrified of future, it doesn’t come even close to the dread I feel. It’s like knowing that once I finish my studies, whole world will collapse into nothingness and only I see it and nobody believes me. I feel like I’m going closer and closer to this big black hollow that will swallow me whole. And yes, I know I should just think that everything will be good and I’ll make it and I need to grow thicker skin and all that. It’s terrifies me, because everyone seems to know what I should do, but nobody seems to stop and ask what I want to do, what I’d like to do, how would I imagine my future. Everyone just says that I should find a job of any kind, just to have one. Do I want to work in my field? I’m naive, almost nobody works in their field (then why did I even study, mum?). Do I want a job that I would like? I’m naive, almost nobody likes their job. Do I want a job where I would feel good mentally? I’m naive and should grow thicker skin and don’t be so oversensitive.

Guess I’m just totally useless and naive and oversensitive. I just want to scream “shut the f*ck up and leave me alone”! Unless you’re willing to listen to me, just be quiet, I know all your well-meant advice better than you, so just…don’t. Everything in my life is supposed to change next few months, I hate changes and I’m just supposed to be good with it. Thanks, but that’s not how I work. Mostly, I would just love, if someone would just listen… My therapist does and I love her for that, it’s great that at least she doesn’t think I’m impossible spoiled loser or something like that. If someone could just listen, now I feel exhausted, because I need to pretend how happy I am about everything. I’m depressed and nothing makes sense, like why even bother about anything, just hopelessness and sadness and emptiness… and so anxious my skin feels weird, like it doesn’t fit and I need to tear it off, so I’m restless, because I don’t want to self-hurt, but the feeling is driving me crazy, literally.

And with this, I’m supposed to study for finals, celebrate my birthday (yay for me…no), find a job, move back to home-town, redo the flat my bf and I are moving in, then move in, get married and just be this super responsible adult capable of completely changing the entirely life without even a little stress. Yeah, right…

Pain and Confused Thoughts

So I thought yesterday that sleep would help with the anxiety, but the truth is…not really. I woke up pretty messed up, tired, because I didn’t sleep half the night, my brain just wouldn’t shut up and my heartbeat was even worse than yesterday. Preparing breakfast was heroic task, my heart was racing and I had trouble catching breath. I really wanted to go back to bed, because f**k this, if I want frantic heartbeat, I’d go jogging!

But I did go out anyway, I need to, and I made it, I’m so good… Although honestly, even puttin on make-up was like running for my life. I’m just glad the fresh air helped a bit and I was able to do what I wanted to, mostly. Yeah, I just felt weak and sick, but whatever… It’s not like I need energy anyway, that’s overrated.

Mostly, I’m not sure what I feel. At leadt right now. I was tired and stressed. And inadequate… My sister arrived today, happy to tell me how she’s losing weight, she spent the evening talking with my parents, so I just wanted to hide. I have alcohol for that at least, I guess finally I could sleep tonight.

I’ve planned exercise for almost month now, but my body and brain doesn’t really work together. I thought when I’d finish my diploma thesis, but then I got anxious, depressed and pretty much just weird and damaged. I slept half December and the second half I feel like I’m running even when I’m just listening to music. I vomitted most of last week, yeah, great to know, I guess :-). It’s just fun, when after pretty much every meal my stomach decided that “nope” and I was sick, I spent the week on cola, very healthy I know.

I want to exercise and I want to love my body, but it’s hard, when your brain makes you sick and then makes you feel bad for being sick, week and tired… I’ll have wedding in August and feel like complete disgusting s**t and ruin everything.

I’m inadequate, I’ve always been. I wish to have good relationship with my mum, but she’s so unpredictable it’s safer to hide. I want to talk to my dad, but when I have a chance, I don’t know what to say. My sister just comes home and can do both. And I sit in my (half-)room feeling sorry for myself and I wish everyone would leave me alone. Because I’m this great person that doesn’t fit anywhere. And I can’t say anything, I wish to just come home, talk about stuff and belong, but I don’t. I don’t belong anywhere ad being home just makes me really tired and stressed, because I lack the ability the just be and communicate. I’m tired because of my anxiety, sleep is a problem, but explaining this to my mother? I wish…

I wish…to just belong. That’s what I have always wanted. To belong and to be accepted just the way I am. But right now, I just feel alone, scared and confused. Why can my sister belong to my family and I sit here being confused, because my family relationships are fu**ed up and I have no idea what to do.  Like…I invite them to my wedding and they kill each other or something like that. Or my mum refuses to go, because I don’t follow what she wants me to do.

I’m just going to end this, as my sister feels I’m keeping her awake, doesn’t matter that she does the same to me often, right… I just wish I could see a simple way out of this.

Just Another Day With Anxiety

These two days have been pretty exhausting, especially today. Yesterday I got migraine, so I mostly slept, but today, I felt my anxiety reaching higher and higher, which is not much fun, to be honest.

My heart is racing, from morning until now, which has some really nice side effects. For example, I’m hungry all the time, because somehow my body feels I have really big energy output, I’m tired, because it feels like I’m running whole day, I have trouble breathing, for the same reason and I’m super restless whole day. I guess it’s adrenalin or something, but honestly, it’s exhausting. I have trouble concentrating on anything, because I feel that everything is too slow and it takes too much time. I have trouble talking, because I can’t catch my breath. Time moves slowly all day, nothing makes me happy, because I feel nervous and on edge all the time, nervous and restless.

Yeah, that’s one of the symptoms of my anxiety, although it’s not as painfull and swift as other versions, it’s equally exhausting, because everything takes much more energy. And all the conflicts and problems are harder to solve. My mum had one of her “I know everything better” moods today, I normally hate those, but today I just wanted to smash something. Then at the movie theatre, there were problems and my dad was getting nervous and angry and I felt bad, because it was my idea we go see new Star Wars together today… I tried taking pill to calm down, but it didn’t help much. It helps with big swift attacks, but I guess not with this kind.

So most of the day, I just felt restless, nervous, now I also feel physically sick and light-headed, I feel exhausted, yet not really tired, I know there are things I should and could do, yet I have trouble concentrating on those things or even remembering what are those things… What fun, really.

Fog In My Head

Fog around me,
In my head,
Can’t see you,
Can’t see myself.

Lost
In my head,
In this world,
Alone,
Yet surrounded by people,
Confused, hurting.

Everything’s wrong,
I’m wrong,
Damaged, Destroyed,
Crying while smiling.

In fog,
My head,
My future,
Me,Can’t see me,
Lost.

Have I lost myself,
Fog in my head,
Can’t think,
Never good enough,
Weak, scared.

What if
Nothing ever changes,
And the light
Never comes,
And the fog
Will surround me

Forever.

Anxiety Level: High

I am at home after almost two months and let’s just say that it is demanding. Not that my family is to be blamed for that, really. I was having anxiety problems since Thursday and no way to deal with it in healthy way, like crying or trying to solve the problems that trigger me. I was at work on Thursday, eleven hours dealing with customers in bookshop, no privacy, just smiles and helpful welcoming attitude. And it got worse yesterday, I faced some mistakes I made, in various areas, I got depressed and anxious, but couldnt deal with it, because I came home and my mum wanted to see me and talk to me…

Don’t get me wrong, my mum has been great these days. She huggs me, makes me feel welcome and loved, she was interested in the wedding rings I liked, my work, how I feel, if I’m ok or my problems got worse… Really, she has been loving so much that I’m almost ashamed for feeling this way. I don’t know what triggered me, I guess many things just appeared, but I just feel ready to explode, full of fear that I’m trying to keep at bay. It didn’t help that one of my facebook friends tried to explain to me, that we are in the third world war and Europe is just blind to see it and that there are some prophecies about doom or what… That was the last thing I need it to get over the line, because after that I needed to medicate myself to gain control again. I still feel afraid and anxious, but at least it’s not so overwhelming.

I need to write a short paper to school and note down some points for my diploma thesis, so that my supervisor can go through it and decide if I can continue in that direction. Because I work almost full time and I still need to finish my studies in autumn, which does not scare me at all, really, absolutely not, why would you think I’m terrified of that…

So that’s my vent for today, I hope it will easy some of the tension in me. I have some other things I want to write about, but I lack energy and ability to concentrate. I thought I would do so much work today, but I guess not.