Where Do We Go From Here?

Hate creates hate. Fear creates fear. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. It’s like a snake that eats its tail. Where do we go from here?

I would like to know the right answer, because all I get is bunch of the wrongs ones. People saying “we should accept the immigrants” and people saying “we should just kick them back to their country” and people saying “we should just kill them all”. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

People say we need to help them, because they are in desperate situation. Hundreds of them drowned, hundreds of them are in terrible conditions and have nowhere to go. Literally, they can’t go back and they have problems moving forward. People say they are dangerous, they come here to destroy Europe. I see them spitting hate like saliva, their eyes red with fury and hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

It’s like there’s no longer any middle ground, you have to be this or you have to be that. You have to accept or you have to hate. What if both feels wrong? What if I can’t just say “accept them all”, because there might be danger among them, but I also can’t say “kill them all”, because they are in need. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I no longer know what to believe in, it’s like it’s two sides of one coin, you can see either one or the other, but never both. Where is the truth? And will we ever find it? And what if we don’t? Fear creates fear.

The people here scare me. Not the ones coming here, the ones that are here already. They hate and they miss the past. They miss Nazzi and Hitler and gass chambers, they want to shoot everyone who’s different. They attack women simply for having darker skin or wearing a scarf, because that’s a sure sign of dangerous Muslim… They fear and they hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

It’s like a bad dream, like we are heading to a tunnel and there is no light at the end of it. ISIS creates hate and fear, they spread it like a fire. Media takes it, because that’s what people want to see and want to hear, that’s what attracts viewers and readers. Fear and hate. No good news, that don’t sell, just fear and hate. Fear creates fear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

My heart is bleeding. Not only for Paris, although it was bad. My heart bleeds for this world, for our lives. Hate and fear is the theme and I know I’m not an exception. I might not hate, but I do fear. I spend most of the last months in a forced bubble, because any thought about the immigrants and the fear and the hate caused me anxiety so bad I couldn’t breath. I felt like there’s a poison in the air and with each breath I was slowly dying. Fear creates fear.

I don’t hate. I understand both sides. Does it make things easier? Do I feel like I know the answer? I wish to know where is the path, the one that doesn’t lead to distruction. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I wish we could see the light at the end of this tunnel. I wish God could show us the way. Fear creates frear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

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Sort of Confession

Those who know me longer know I drink quite a lot, I know they joke about it, often in front of me. I try to laugh it off, but yeah, they’re right. It’s just that sometimes it’s the only thing that numbs the pain or anxiety. And then there are entire weeks when I pretty much don’t drink at all and I don’t even feel the need to. And then there are days between, when I do pretty ok, yet I still feel like I need some safety blanket, because I can never know when things get bad again and I can’t sleep and I feel like I’ll jump out of my skin and it’s overwhelming. And there is a choice how to cope, I hurt myself or I drink. Or I take a pill to calm down, pill that can very easily be addictive. Not much of a good choices, I know, especially when alcohol can give me one hell of a migraine.

2012-06-14-Unease

Don’t Look In the Future…Or Look Too Much

I guess these days I mostly live in a denial, I refuse to look to future, I refuse to talk about it, refuse to think about it. I do talk, when asked, otherwise… I don’t, I can’t, because when I can’t stop and my heads starts spinning from fear.

I have to finish my diploma thesis in two months, I haven’t written much so far, because I was working all summer and didn’t have time. I’m so stressed that I have problems concentrating, I have anxiety attacks pretty much every day and the rest of the time I’m depressed, tired, feeling like it doesn’t matter anyway and remembering everyday chores and responsibilities is getting more and more difficult. I would sleep pretty much all the time, which doesn’t help either. All the time I think I need to work, faster and faster, to finish it in time and it scares me even more. Several times this last week I felt very close to breakdown, like I can’t take the pressure anymore, I don’t care what happens and I just want to sleep and let the rest of the world be. And I worry it will get worse, last time I was finishing school I was cutting severely, I was absolutelly down and I have no idea how I actually managed to do it, because I was in a mist, exhausted, empty, just going through the motion hoping I would make it somehow. Now the pressure is here again, hightened by the fact that I pay for every semester quite a lot of money now. Well, my parents do, which is why the pressure is even worse, I can’t disappoint them and I can’t make them pay one more semester because I’m not able to finish in time.

After finishing the school I have to move back to my home-town… I haven’t lived there for five years, it’s much smaller city than the one I live in now, I don’t have many friends there, not many job opportunities for me… Me and my boyfriend decided to move back there, because it was the practical decision. Well, for me anyway. We can live in the flat his parents own, which would mean saving money on the rent, our families are there to help and all, but I’m still not sure I want it. Or to be precise, I do want it and I don’t. Moving back after several years to smaller town scares me. I like the city, but I also like the one where I’m now. I like that in the big city I have lived for several years, everything is near. And opened till late hours, plenty of shops to choose from when I need something. And my friends are here, or at least most of the ones I have left now. My home-town is… quiet in comparison. And I’m so used to the current place that moving back is scary, everything will change, my life, I won’t be a student, I will be an adult and I’m not sure I know how to be an adult. From what I see, it means lot of stress, unhappiness, exhaustion, worries and not much of anything else. And just thinking about it I feel the rush of anxiety coming in… It doesn’t help much that at some point I’ll have to tell my parents that I won’t live with them before me and my boyfriend move in together. I just can’t, I love them, but I seriously can’t imagine living back at home for several months before he finishes his studies, even few days can be too much sometimes. And also… at times I feel like I wasn’t given a chance to really decide where I want to live, moving back was practical and smart and important for my partner, so I just went with it. And I know it’s good and I’ll probably like it, but at times I feel that my life is not in my hands, that I live in cage where I have to do what’s right, what’s expected of me, what’s appropriate without any room for me to do what I want. And I guess most of my dislike for moving back comes from this feeling, it was the right thing, the smart thing, the thing that everyone expected us to do, the thing I knew my partner wanted and I couldn’t face the pressure I felt.

And I’m getting married next summer, we need to plan it and I’m terrified I’ll somehow screw it up. I’ll be too anxious, too depressed, as fat as I am and looking terrible and disgusting in my dress, my family will have an argument… Or my mum will talk too much to the preparations that I will just give up arguing with her and she’ll make me feel terrible and selfish… She has already said that she should have a voice in any decisions, sice they’ll pay for it. And that If I invited her brother, she wouldn’t come. And she is master of making me feel guilty and ungrateful, although to be fair, my oversized sense of guilt helps her a lot.

And job… what if I don’t find any or am not able to stay in it. So far I got depressed and crushed in any job I’ve had. According to my parents, I’m too demanding, because I actually want a job that gives me some meaning, because I want to be happy and satisfied with what I do. I can work for myself, but that takes time and I don’t want my partner to take care of me while I’m finding myself or something. I don’t want to be his burden.

And then children… pills and pregnancy? Nothing better than withdrawal, depressions together with general hormonal storm of expecting a baby.

And what if we won’t have money, what if we screw up our relationship, what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhat ifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatif………

And just like that my head starts spinning, the fears I keep at bay most of the time just come from everywhere, screaming, making me want to curl up, hide or just disappear, because what is the point of stressful unhappy life. And doesn’t matter that it’s ridiculous and unrealistic and overreacting, that only makes me feel worse, like I’m just a weak coward that cannot just live life like everybody else, because other people are obviousy able to live without problems… The worst part it keeping the fears at bay, ignoring them, because once I let them in, I break. And I can’t afford that, I need to keep going, keep moving, because I have to finish my thesis in time and…here we go again, it’s like a hamster in a wheel…

Anxiety Level: High

I am at home after almost two months and let’s just say that it is demanding. Not that my family is to be blamed for that, really. I was having anxiety problems since Thursday and no way to deal with it in healthy way, like crying or trying to solve the problems that trigger me. I was at work on Thursday, eleven hours dealing with customers in bookshop, no privacy, just smiles and helpful welcoming attitude. And it got worse yesterday, I faced some mistakes I made, in various areas, I got depressed and anxious, but couldnt deal with it, because I came home and my mum wanted to see me and talk to me…

Don’t get me wrong, my mum has been great these days. She huggs me, makes me feel welcome and loved, she was interested in the wedding rings I liked, my work, how I feel, if I’m ok or my problems got worse… Really, she has been loving so much that I’m almost ashamed for feeling this way. I don’t know what triggered me, I guess many things just appeared, but I just feel ready to explode, full of fear that I’m trying to keep at bay. It didn’t help that one of my facebook friends tried to explain to me, that we are in the third world war and Europe is just blind to see it and that there are some prophecies about doom or what… That was the last thing I need it to get over the line, because after that I needed to medicate myself to gain control again. I still feel afraid and anxious, but at least it’s not so overwhelming.

I need to write a short paper to school and note down some points for my diploma thesis, so that my supervisor can go through it and decide if I can continue in that direction. Because I work almost full time and I still need to finish my studies in autumn, which does not scare me at all, really, absolutely not, why would you think I’m terrified of that…

So that’s my vent for today, I hope it will easy some of the tension in me. I have some other things I want to write about, but I lack energy and ability to concentrate. I thought I would do so much work today, but I guess not.

Going Down on a Roller-Coaster of My Life. Again.

Once again, my disorder is messing with my life. This weekend I was supposed to have a workshop with our school choir, but no, not for me. Not that I don’t want to go there, I was looking forward to it for weeks. I love singing and I fancy myself to be a good singer, at least a little bit. But no “dreams come true” for me, I guess.

The thing I have always wanted the most is to belong somewhere. To have a group of people I could call friends, who would love me and accept me for who I am. People I could laugh with and go out and have fun. But every time I thought that this is it, this is where I belong, it ends. At the beginning of this semester, I thought it again. People from school started to meet every Monday, started a choir, it was great and I was happy. And then my brain decided that happiness is not for me. I want to go out with people, but every time I’m happy and excited, it last only for a while and then it starts feeling bad, like really bad. It’s like a candle that burned too quickly and now it’s darkness. I start to feel that people think I was stupid, embarrasing, fat, terrible and so on and it just destroys my happy memories.

And this week, my anxiety got so much worse. I have problems falling asleep, but when I do sleep, I have nightmares, really vivid nightmares, that leave me restless and disoriented for most of day. I’m tired, because I don’t really get some rest during nights, I feel pressured to do some work, do things I have to do, go to school, find a job, be independent, start writing diploma thesis and so on and so on and…my brain just got overload, which means depression and anxiety. Leaving the flat seems scary, with so many noises. At random times, some noise gets into my head and it seems much louder than it is and I got anxiety attact. When I’m outside, I try to control it, I push my boundaries to calm down, because nobody wants to meet a freak like that. Unfortunatelly, this builds up the pressure and takes a lot of strength, which ultimately leads to more attacks and worsening of symptoms.

Right now, I feel like I’m going to break down any second. Every thought scares me, I don’t see any meaning in even trying to be normal and I’m tired of all this. I just want to be normal, live normal life, have friends, go out and be happy. But I’m not and I don’t know, if this change sometime in the future. I really wanted to go this workshop, have great time with friends, may be go for a beer or two after it, sing and be happy. Instead, all I have is fear of noise and fear of silence, exhaustion and fear of sleep, lot of work to do and no will to do it, desperate wish to belong somewhere and be appreciated for my skills and fear of going out, fear of what people really think.