I’m Sorry For Your Suffering, DID Community! You Are Valid, You Are Loved!

I’m fucking living right now! So some good news, rage can get me out of my depression!

Some time ago I started following several youtubers with dissociative identity disorder (DID), because I wanted to learn more. DID is one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized mental disorders and there are some really good channels out there. I’ve been planning on writing about them here, but with all the shit going on recently in my life, I just didn’t get to it. And now, DID community is going through some serious issues, because a certain youtuber decided that having DID is a good money grab!

On March 4, a youtuber named Anthony Padilla posted another video in his series of “I spent a day with…” called I spent a day with MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES (Dissociative Identity Disorder). He interviewed three people with DID, asked them about their lives, their experience, it’s a very well done video and I highly recommend you watch it, if you want to have a good starting point in learning more about DID.

The proof that is was really well done is that one of the three people is DissociaDID, a system having an amazing YT channel. During the interview Nin, the host, switched to Kyle, and Anthony didn’t even blink, they just shaked hands and continued. Not only that but they also gave Kyle Nin’s coat to cover his legs, because he was really uncomfortable being in a short skirt. Some time later Nin wanted to switch back to answer a question she really wanted to answer and during that a Little (an alter that is very young, kid or young teen) came out. They were very confused, but Anthony again did everything to make the kid comfortable and the Little actually answered the question in an amazing way. It was surprising to see the bit with the Little left in the video, because I know that DissociaDID is very protective of their Littles. Later in a stream Nin explained that they decided to leave it in, because it was really beautiful, powerful and brave, but she did ask Anthony to hide the Little’s name and age (predators could abuse this knowledge to attack and lure the person). Overall, Anthony was amazingly professional and kind, he was very compassionate, DissociaDID’s switches are pretty awful and he was reassuring them to take their time, offering them to leave for a bit, if they needed…

All this is great, but here comes the problem that I’ve just learned about and that makes me absolutely livid! You see, Anthony Padilla is a very popular youtuber, he has over 4 millions subscribers. So lot of people watched this video and it was trending on YT’s main page for quite a bit. Which is where a certain youtuber decided that it was a great way to get views and cash from ads. I’m just gonna say that this person is a woman, I am NOT naming her, although if you do go watch some of the videos I will link here, you will see her name. Please don’t go watch her videos, don’t give her views.

Anyway, this person is known for claiming to be a member of certain communities etc only to get views and attentin, because even hate views are views and the bring her money, because sadly, she does have a big YT following. This person made a video claiming that they have DID and to present their alters. If you want to see DissociaDID reacting to her video, explaining all the things she claims wrong and all the misinformation she’s spreading, it’s here. I jut have to say that Nin was so respectful, I admire her, I would be furious.

Anthony Padilla also called that youtuber out for her behavior. And that’s when shit hit the fan. This female youtuber made another video, where she got incredibly angry and aggressive. I watched some parts of it (on another channel, I did NOT gave that person views) and it was bad. She curses, yells, gestures violently etc. She doubled down on Twitter, she went after Anthony Padilla and DissociaDID.

Her videos and her whole tirade has gotten so far that she is actively traumatizing the whole DID community! And just to be clear here, DID is developed as a defense mechanism when child goes through terrible trauma and doesn’t have a space to properly deal with. We are talking about people, who were severely abused as little kids, so badly that as a defense mechanism, their brain created different personalities, that hold these traumas and memories, so that the person can go on. We are talking about people who were to hell and back! We are talking about people, who face stigma on daily basis, whose lives are very difficult because they went through incredible pain as little kids!

And how do I know that the youtuber’s video are traumatizing and hurting the whole DID community? Yesterday, Kyle from the DissociaDID system posted a short video. In that he explains that one of the last videos of said youtuber, where she screams, and swears and is threating, caused the system serious flashbacks and retraumatized them. It got so bad, that there was another split! And from what I read on their Twitter, this system is not the only one suffering. Many people in the community are deeply affected and there were splits. Just to make it absolutely clear. This youtuber acted in such a way, that she caused flashbacks to serious childhood trauma and it got so bad that in some systems the brain had to CREATE ANOTHER PERSONALITY JUST TO BE ABLE TO COPE!

I can’t even BEGIN to describe how absolutely infuriating this is! It’s… disgusting, it’s vile, it’s abusive! That youtuber just went straight to the same level as all the awful people, who caused people to develop DID! There are people now saying that they are afraid to talk about having DID, because they are afraid that people will associate them with said youtuber. She is damaging and abusing so many people, just because she wants the ad money. Because DID was trending, she needed some attention and money, so she went for it. It… I can’t believe somebody would be so vile and disgusting. To me, this person is barely human now, because this is beyond my comprehension. I think this commentary video by a channel called Kristina Maione says it really well. I absolutely agree with her rage and I agree with her words!

And to people out there with DID, please know that you are loved, you are valid, you are special and you are amazing. Your alters are valid, you are not an awful person and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am so sorry that you and your community are struggling right now, but you are not alone. So many people are furious at your behalf, so many people see your suffering and stand by your side. I love you, my heart breaks for you and I wish there was something I could to help you. Please hang on!

And for those, who are looking for some good information about DID, these are the channels I personally watch, love and follow:
1. DissociaDID.
2. MultiplicityAndMe.
3. The Entropy System.

In Silent Screams

Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm, suicide, eating disorder

So… I don’t even know where to start. Things are bad and I’m spiralling. And I feel incredibly lonely, because… I feel as if everybody is expecting me to fight, to figure things out, to have a plan, to pretend that everything is fine and I’m happy. But I’m not. I have moments when I feel happy, but I am not happy.

I lost my disability in January. I tried appealing the decision, but I lost that too. Dealing with this whole mess was very traumatic for me. It was, it is, so bad that I don’t think I have even been able to accurately express to people around me how bad it actually is.

It is a financial hit for me. While the money wasn’t great, it was something. Even before that I struggled really bad with anxiety when it came to my income, this made it even worse. Like hundred times worse. I tried pushing it away, I concentrated on writing the appeal and fighting.

I was asked to come for evaluation. I did and that only made things worse. Basically, the doctor there just… basically told me I never should have even gotten the disability in the first place, because my mental illness is only classified with light impairment and I have university degree and I have never been hospitalized, so I must be overall doing fine etc. I don’t remember it well, because I was falling apart inside. I felt dismissed and not taken seriously.

I left the room and immediately spiralled into a complete meltdown. I remember that I couldn’t breath, I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I sank on a chair, gasping for air so bad I felt dizzy and I kept pressing hands to my temples, which is something I do when my anxiety gets really bad. I must have been quite loud, because the doctor came out and she saw what a mess I was. I remember that she brought me water and some pill to help me calm down and she talked to me a bit more. I think she felt guilty, because she probably realized that her decision screwed my life. But maybe I’m just giving her too much benefit of the doubt.

What the overall situation is… basically, the law sees that I am indeed fucked up enough to actually struggle and my ability to work is impaired. But I am not fucked up enough to actually qualify for any help. Because my diagnosis is on paper considered to be only fairly light impairment and there are no other circumstances that would support that I actually do struggle a lot, I don’t need help. I mean, I have a degree, right? Who cares that the only way I was able to get one was that my parents were able to fully support me through the whole university?! Who cares that if I had to support myself, even partially, I would fail? And I have never been hospitalized, that means I’m actually not doing that bad, you know. It doesn’t matter that the thought of being hospitalized, with people I don’t know, in a place where I don’t have my space and my privacy, scares me to death. Just the thought gives me anxiety. Or that at times, like recently, I just couldn’t afford to go anywhere, because I had work and I had to keep my deadline?

I feel failed. Betrayed. Invisible. Unimportant. I have always tried to do my best. I have worked on my issues, on my triggers, I did my best to learn to communicate my needs, to set boundaries, to study, to work, to live to the best of my abilities. And it’s not enough. Not only that, it actually made things worse in this situation. Because apparently if I actually didn’t do all this work to be as “normal” and as “functioning” as I could, it would count to my benefit, because it would show how much I struggle. I feel that I was actually doing a bit better last year, I was moving forward at least a bit. And then somebody came, took the rug out from under me and I fell. And I don’t see why I should even try to get back up.

You see, there are always these two voices in my head. You can imagine a cartoon, where you have a tiny angel on one shoulder and a tiny devil on the other. The angel is the one that keeps pushing me to be better, to move forward. Sure, she can be a bitch, because she never lets me feel good about my achievements, but at least she makes me work on myself, push my boundaried and improve. The devil is pretty much just pure self-destruction. It takes a real effort for me to actually care about my life. Deep down, I don’t really feel a connection to myself or my life. So it’s really hard to feel emotions, feel invested, do all the work on myself and my relationships, because deep, deep, deep inside me there’s a black space of nothingness.

And now I don’t have any ammo against the devil. I don’t have an answer to her, when she wants me to cut myself. Or to starve, because I’m terrified of gaining even a gram of weight, especially now that I lost a little bit. Because what good did it do for me to fight her, huh? I can’t even begin to describe the contempt that I felt after I was denied the appeal. Seriously, just imagine a tiny devil on your shoulder saying “Oh, they think you’re not fucked up enough? Oh I show them… What’s better, trying to cut yourself with an actual sharp objects, falling into an eating disorder that you have been fighting off for years, or both? Oh I’ll show them. They want the truth, fine, I’ll give them the truth!”

And I’m in this weird place, where I feel this way. But I have also worked on myself enough to not fall into that, at least right away. But I don’t have will or strength to actually fight. I want to care, but it seems like a lot of work. I want to self-destruct, but that’s too much work as well. So… mostly, I don’t care and I feel nothing. And if I feel something sometimes, like right now, it’s pain. And fear.

I’m esentially trapped. I don’t have many options for my future. And I feel that even talking about feeling empty is a burden to people around me. Because they want me to be happy, to smile, to pretend. And I do that, because explaining how I really feel is so complex that where would I even begin? Look at all this text that I wrote and I could still go on… And people don’t want to listen to speeches, at least usually.

But I’m scared. Because I don’t see any hope in the future.

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Drowning

I’m a total failure. At least that’s how I feel most of the days now. Rationally, I know it’s not true, but I get it out of my head. My life is chaos for various reasons, I have so little success in anything that it’s hard to feel positive about myself, I just feel like I’m drowning. Constantly.

I have goals and projects I’m working on. And that’s good. But because it takes long to see any positive outcome from those, it’s been hard. My relationship with my parents exploded. I’m stressed all the time. I don’t earn enough money. I’m not good enough wife. I don’t work enough. Stress makes me physically sick. And I don’t feel like eating. Ever. Which then triggers my disordered eating habbits and I’m absolutely terrified of food. I’m convinced that every bite will make me gain at least a kilo. I managed to lose tiny bit of wait and I’m absolutely petrified of gaining it back. And I mean petrified, the thought makes me panic. So I often starve. And then eat a lot at once. Which makes me sick, so I vomit. Which makes me hungry again. And also weirldy happy that I won’t gain any more weight at least. Does that count as some form of eating disorder? Probably, not that it matters much.

I have meltdown at least once a week. Meltdown when I curl up, preferably in a dark corner or with lights off and cry unconsolably. I’m always short-tempered and bitchy. I’m failing at being a good housewife. And I’m terrified something is wrong in my marriage. That my husband will finally see what an awful person I am and he will leave me.

And I feel so lonely in this. Because I haven’t been feeling ok months now and I keep trying to keep it in, don’t let people see it. Because I don’t want to be a burden. Because everything is out of control and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it better. Make at least something better. I’m annoyed and angry at myself all the time, because I keep bitching and complaining. And I’m scared people will get tired of me super quickly, because I’m like a broken record. I keep pushing everyone away and then I’m scared everyone will leave me. Because I don’t want to be a burden. I’m scared my husband will leave me, but I keep pushing him away too.

I just don’t know how to make things better. There are moments when I’m okay and happy and then something happens and everything just blows up. I know I shouldn’t kepp things in all the time, that’s why things then get so bad. But I have to function in my day-to-day life, I have to get up every day and try to work on my projects, try to keep the house clean, try to keep working. Because I don’t see any other way out of this. I have to find a way to feel happy again.

I just don’t know why. And I feel hopeless. And I feel like a loser all the time. It’s like every bit of anger and hurt I have ever supressed in order to keep people (mostly my parents) happy decided to come back. And bring some friends, cause the more, the merrier, I guess. It’s like every wound I’ve ever tried to ignore opened up and it’s just leaking anger and pain all over the place.

Which also means that all the things I can usually deal with pretty well are getting too much. All the feeling of worthlessness, of feeling disgusting and ugly and fat and awful and like I’m the worst person on earth. All my fears and doubts. The fucking eating issues that I can usually manage to handle in relatively healthy ways. My body image problems that I can usually ignore without much work. It all came to surface. And it hurts like hell. It’s exhausting. It makes me feel broken beyond repair. Too broken to be loved. Too broken to deserve love. Too broken to even be alive. Or to deserve to be alive.

I wish I knew a way out. Or at least how long until things get better. I do have an appointment soon with my psychiatrist and I know I could ask her for higher dose of meds, but I don’t know if that’s the solution. I feel like that would be like putting a bandage of a deep stab wounds or something like that. It might work for a short time, but it won’t change the cause. It won’t help me heal.

And I don’t know how to heal. Maybe I just have to wait. Wait and let things heal over time. I have to keep hoping that it will get better. But it’s so hard right now. I feel so much pain and anger all the time. I feel so much of it that at times I feel like I’m going to explode. Which is why I self-harmed a bit over the past few months. I’m not proud of it, I try to deal with things in healthy ways, but there were several times when I failed.

So that’s it. I’m just drowning right now. Everything is absolutely chaotic and I don’t know how to make it better.

Lonely Rant From a Lonely Scared Girl

Soooo…. I’m fucked up. Yeah, nice way to greet you all after such a long time. I have several post in the middle of writing, but left them. Probably finish them soon, because they are very real and accurate. But right now, it’s this.

I’m… anxious, depressed, scared, angry, there are lot of emotions in my head running wild, I’ve been fighting exhausting anxiety attack whole day. Right now, I’m drowning it in alcohol, good old alcohol. Very mature and very adult, I know. Like I’m either of those things anyway.

So what got me in such a “great” mood? IĀ  have a job, an actual fultime job, not in my field, but earning money anyway. And I’m already screwing up. Or at least my mind is. Or my body. I can’t really tell anymore. I’m ok with the job, it’s not the best one, but I earn at least some money and not be burden for my parents. I’m not excited about the job, but I’m ok with it. But my health is getting worse. I’m trying to convince myself that it will get better that I will get used to all of that, getting up early, being with people all the time, with all their noise and emotions and all that. I’m sick and anxious every day. My hands shake, I get nauseous, light-headed, tired… it’s just… too much? And it’s scary, more than I say. Because what if I can’t work at a normal job, even if I more or less like it? I don’t want to depend on my parents. Or my husband. I want to work, why can’t I work?!

I’m scared. And angry. I didn’t choose to be like this. My bullies made me this way. They damaged me, broke me… Why do I have to pay for what they did? Why my life has to be so hard, when they are just ok? Why I have to fight for everything, when it’s not my fault that I’m like this?! It’s… scary. And exhausting. I want to work. I want to contribute to society, whatever that means. I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m damaged goods, I guess. I feel like it. I broke down today, I cried… three times? Then I took my anxiety pill. And now I’m trying to not think about it.

And it comes back, the thought asking “Why I can’t just be normal?”. Like other people, functioning adult. I…wish I was pregnant. Than my life would have direction and meaning. But my husband doesn’t want kids just yet. He wants kids, but the thought of me being pregnant right now scares him. And I thought he was the one who couldn’t wait to have a child. I’m afraid that when I get pregnant, his family will be all in our lives, controlling it and all that, they’re all so close…

What do I do? I tried to be normal, to fit in those stupid boxes, to have a normal job, work, be normal. But I’m not and what if I never am.

Happy New Year And All That Sh*t

I think this Robot Hugs comics describes my life right now very well.

2016-01-07-start

Well, the only problem is that my stomach is having a bad time and I’m sick a lot, so no wine for me… Apart from that, too many things are changing and it’s scaring the sh*t out of me. Yesterday I broke down and cried for like half an hour, couldn’t sleep and now I’m tired and generally depressed. I should study, but even the thought of concentrating on that is exhausting, I want to cry, curl up in bed and disappear. When I say I’m terrified of future, it doesn’t come even close to the dread I feel. It’s like knowing that once I finish my studies, whole world will collapse into nothingness and only I see it and nobody believes me. I feel like I’m going closer and closer to this big black hollow that will swallow me whole. And yes, I know I should just think that everything will be good and I’ll make it and I need to grow thicker skin and all that. It’s terrifies me, because everyone seems to know what I should do, but nobody seems to stop and ask what I want to do, what I’d like to do, how would I imagine my future. Everyone just says that I should find a job of any kind, just to have one. Do I want to work in my field? I’m naive, almost nobody works in their field (then why did I even study, mum?). Do I want a job that I would like? I’m naive, almost nobody likes their job. Do I want a job where I would feel good mentally? I’m naive and should grow thicker skin and don’t be so oversensitive.

Guess I’m just totally useless and naive and oversensitive. I just want to scream “shut the f*ck up and leave me alone”! Unless you’re willing to listen to me, just be quiet, I know all your well-meant advice better than you, so just…don’t. Everything in my life is supposed to change next few months, I hate changes and I’m just supposed to be good with it. Thanks, but that’s not how I work. Mostly, I would just love, if someone would just listen… My therapist does and I love her for that, it’s great that at least she doesn’t think I’m impossible spoiled loser or something like that. If someone could just listen, now I feel exhausted, because I need to pretend how happy I am about everything. I’m depressed and nothing makes sense, like why even bother about anything, just hopelessness and sadness and emptiness… and so anxious my skin feels weird, like it doesn’t fit and I need to tear it off, so I’m restless, because I don’t want to self-hurt, but the feeling is driving me crazy, literally.

And with this, I’m supposed to study for finals, celebrate my birthday (yay for me…no), find a job, move back to home-town, redo the flat my bf and I are moving in, then move in, get married and just be this super responsible adult capable of completely changing the entirely life without even a little stress. Yeah, right…

Suicide and Homicide, the Role Models for Mentally Ill

One of the inspirations for this entry was an article from another blogger living with schizophrenia. I recommend you to read it: This Has Been Heavily Edited to Suit AllĀ Audiences.

 

Role models. Those are people who inspire us in some way, we want to achieve what they did, look like they do or something like that. We try to imitate them, behave like them, dress like them, talk like them, so we can have something they have. It might be a successful person in bussiness, it might be our parents, it might be a fictional character and so on. The “fun” starts, when you have some mental illness. Oh yes, looking for someone to inspire you is…well, bitter to say the least.

I tried to think about some famous people in my country with mental illness. I came up with few, one died of heart attack at pretty early age, one combined alcohol and pills and the combination was lethal, one died in mental hospital, because his illness got worse, the other two comitted suicide… When it comes to famous people abroad, some singer, actor, politician, just someone, I can’t come up with anyone. Well, I can, but Robin Williams also comitted suicide, so…

And that’s the “fun”! Think about representation of mental illnesses in media. How many fictional characters can you come up with that are mentally ill, but have normal happy life? How many of these stories are in news? Honestly, I can’t think of even one… But how many fictional villains are mentally ill? They are depressed, schizofrenic, just twisted personalities… Yeah, maaany… And news representation? Oh yes, stories of a mentally ill murderers are common, just think about the last one, which inspired me to write this blog.

The German pilot crashed a plane in Alps and killed 149 people and himself. That itself is terrible, but at least for a week media was full of him being depressed as the reason for this act. I stopped reading articles about this right after this discovery, it was too much. Unfortunatelly, I wasn’t spared the “depressed people are crazy” sort of comment and it actually came from my partner… He read some article and then said something like “it turns out that the pilot was crazy, he was depressed”. I don’t remember the exact words, but I remember the feeling. He sat with his back to me, so he couldn’t see my face, but I felt like I froze in place. And then I got really angry, thinking if this is what people think about me behind my back, that I’m crazy. Then I got bitter, wondering if I can actually be angry about that, considering what is the media representation of mentally ill people. And then I just got really tired of this situation…

We are portrayed as crazy people who cannot control themselves, who are just incapable of living normal life. Which is harmful in so many ways. First of all, think about the people who just realized they might have some mental problems, but are afraid to see a doctor and get treatment, because they are afraid of being labeled as “crazy”. Second, think of the people who are living with some mental problems, what are the messages they get, there are no role models for us, who would give us hope that we can live pretty normal life despite our problems. Yeah, our self-esteem might get really low because of this at times… Third, think about our families and friends, how are they to cope with our problems, when the messages they get are again that we are crazy, unable to control ourselves, our lives are doomed. Fourth, what about the strangers we meet, for example when we apply for a job, should we tell them, will it influence their opinion about us, will they think us uncapable of performing the job? And so on…

As I was looking up some mentally ill famous people, I made a mistake and read some comments under the articles about their deaths. And there is was, some people writing that people just need to work more, that they make this up to feel important or different, that they are just weak, because nobody strong would ever fall for such a nonsense. Oh and one saying that living with such a person (meaning mentally ill person) is something nobody could ever stand for more than few days. It felt really “great”, but it didn’t really surprised me…

It makes me frustrated and tired. I would really love to see someone out there, who I can relate to, who has mental problems and is happy and living normal life. May be even famous and successful. I’m tired of media emphasizing the fact that some murderer was mentally ill in a way to say “you see, normal person would never do that, this is just a crazy person”. Or in the case of the pilot, it is “you don’t have to be afraid of flying, this is just an isolated case of crazy person, nobody normal would ever do such a thing”. Which feels very “supportive”. I’m tired of questions popping up in my head, wondering if I actually have a chance for normal happy life, wondering if this is not exactly the reality that awaits me, ending up as another one commiting suicide, because they can’t take it anymore. I’m just tired of all this. And fed up of dealing with this everyday.

There Are So Many People Out There

I went to my psychiatrist to get a paper to school, so I can ask for lower tuition fee and I found there a poster for a website about depressions. I decided to check it, because I want to learn some more information about my disorder and to find some professional staff I could post here, beside of the creations of my malfunctioning brain.

It was a good and also bad decision. Good because there really are useful information for me and also for people outside these problems, bad because the web has a section for personal stories… So many people! I mean literally, so many people asking, if their problems are normal, if this is curable, saying they’re exhausted of all this. It almost made me cry, because I wish I could tell all these people, that there is a chance for them! That what they’re going through is hard and painful, but it doesn’t have to be like that, that they are not weird or broken, because they feel this way. How is it possible that so many people still have to suffer the pain and shame and exhaustion, because there is a lack of information about mental health?! I mean, we can travel to space, we can travel pretty much anywhere anytime around the Earth, yet some teenage girl writes there that when she talks about depression with her parents, her mother laughs and her father thinks she just wants to skip school! It makes me so angry! I was that teenage girl, afraid to tell her parents, afraid to tell my friends, putting up a mask of perfect daughter, perfect student, yet inside suffering terribly, desperately wanting someone to tell me that I’m not making this up, that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy! Well, when I told my friends, just about five of them actually tried to understand, the rest thought I’m really just seeking attention, so I can understand the girl’s fear. How is it possible that we learn so much about physical health, we know what to eat or don’t, what is healthy, what sports are good and so many stuff, but we don’t learn about mental health?! How how HOW?!?!

Next time someone asks me why I need to “advertise” my depressions, I’ll tell them that THIS is WHY! If I can spread the word about mental disorders to just a hundred people there, most of them my friends on facebook, than I DID SOMETHING! If I can change what just a few people out there think about mental problems, show them that it’s nothing weird or unnatural or laughable or weak or despicable or just bad, then I do a good job! If I change the world just a little little bit, then it’s worth opening up and writing about the darkest thoughts and feelings my mind can produce. Nobody deserves this, NOBODY! I just wish I could hug all these people and tell them that it will get better, tell them, that they are not alone… but I can’t, so this is the least I can do.

Christmas is Coming, Yippee! Or Not.

I have to admit I’m quite afraid of Christmas time. I always feel pressured to be happy and feel good and I feel guilty when I’m not that happy as I think I should be. Also my parents think I should sit with them talking and watching TV, when all I want to do is make a good tea and read a book or watch a movie, alone… So I feel compelled to do what they want and not destroy Christmas and as a result, I’m tensed and upset. Or perhaps I just miss the enchanting time Christmas used to be when I was little, when I actually loved doing all that without thinking if I’m happy enough and if I’m not, what is wrong with me.

I love giving presents and thinking of the best gift, I just don’t like that I’m expected to spend with my parents, just so they would be happy. And I really don’t know how to explain that without them getting angry, because I have different needs. Somehow, people have hard time understanding, that I don’t need group of people around me all the time. I like people and I like hanging out with friends and all, but sometimes I also enjoy being completely alone. When I say this I see this “are you normal?” look, like it’s so weird that I don’t need other people to have a good time. It’s really driving me crazy! And I’m tired of explain this again and again hoping for people to understand and getting lot of hurt instead, because if I want to be alone, that means I don’t like them, I’m selfish because they want to spend time with me and I don’t want them and…!!!

I just hope that this Christmas will be calm and happy, but I guess I’m just naive.