No Light at the End of This Dark and Cold Tunnel

2012-11-08-nononono

Once again has come a time, when everything just sucks. I really don’t know, what is wrong with me. Well, I know, my brain stopped cooperating with me again.  It’s almost two weeks now, since it got really bad, I have anxiety attacks almost every day, yesterday I actually spend most of my energy to suppressing anxiety in a hope to went through the day. It’s like there’s no end of this dark hole I’m in. The worst part is the self-loathing, when half of my head is screaming at me, that I’m weak, ugly, terrible girlfriend, just the worst person ever living on this Earth. I cried so many times, I’m feeling like crying right now…

I’m the worst, torturing myself and everyone… Is it going to be like this all my life? It’s been two weeks, I tried to do things, I started with yoga at home, but all I really want is to just sleep all the time. Because being awake is just walking in a really dark cold tunnel without any light at the end. Nothing makes sense, really. Why should I try? Why should I keep going, when in the end it feels like there is no sense in wasting my energy?

2011-10-13-a bad day

I wish I could stop blaming myself for everything. I blame myself for being alone this evening, because my boyfriend is at a ball with his friend. And I know she has a boyfriend and I know he loves me, but I also know she is much hotter than me and also much better dancer and much better company. It’s like I destroyed everything. He wanted to buy the tickets there for my birthday, so we could go together, but I refused to go because of the way I look. I’m fat and ugly, I don’t want to embarrass him with my presence. I told him I’m ok with him going with someone else, because I don’t want to destroy his life just because I’m a fat piece of sh*t. I destroyed so many things by now because of the way I look, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m fat and ugly, it’s my fault and I’m the one that should pay the price. It just hurts so much inside, I want to scream, but I cannot. So I drink and cry. I don’t want to hurt myself, but the get the pain away is so big! I wish I could be with him, seing him handsome in suit, dancing…but I couldn’t do it. I just think about the people seeing him with a girl much more beautiful than me… They must think that he has it much better now than with me. I wish to go out with him, to spend time outside, laughing, feeling good, just doing things together. But we don’t do together almost anything. I’m not in a mood to do anything, I feel so bad about myself…and I’m so scared he will leave me, because why would anyone want to be with me, it’s so difficult, he will want to have a normal girl, not me…

I have a work meeting tomorrow, so I cannot have scars, but I could have long sleeves or something. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore! All this darkness and coldness and pain. And thinking that there are so many things I could do, but at the end it feels like wasting energy… Why would anyone want to be with me? Why would they bother… I know I should be positive and everything, but I’m exhausted by just trying to live. I know it will get better, eventually, but the waiting is trying to kill me, destroy me. I know it will get better, someday, but honestly… I don’t believe it. It will always be hard, it will always be dark and cold, there will always be some little corner in my head making me feel bad. And I’m so exhausted, but not tired to go and sleep. I’m awake enough to make every thought hit me like a whip, burning inside, making me want to rip my chest open…but it won’t go away, no matter how much I wish it would. It’s just hopelessness, darkness and cold…

2012-02-23-Down down down

Advertisements

Christmas is Coming, Yippee! Or Not.

I have to admit I’m quite afraid of Christmas time. I always feel pressured to be happy and feel good and I feel guilty when I’m not that happy as I think I should be. Also my parents think I should sit with them talking and watching TV, when all I want to do is make a good tea and read a book or watch a movie, alone… So I feel compelled to do what they want and not destroy Christmas and as a result, I’m tensed and upset. Or perhaps I just miss the enchanting time Christmas used to be when I was little, when I actually loved doing all that without thinking if I’m happy enough and if I’m not, what is wrong with me.

I love giving presents and thinking of the best gift, I just don’t like that I’m expected to spend with my parents, just so they would be happy. And I really don’t know how to explain that without them getting angry, because I have different needs. Somehow, people have hard time understanding, that I don’t need group of people around me all the time. I like people and I like hanging out with friends and all, but sometimes I also enjoy being completely alone. When I say this I see this “are you normal?” look, like it’s so weird that I don’t need other people to have a good time. It’s really driving me crazy! And I’m tired of explain this again and again hoping for people to understand and getting lot of hurt instead, because if I want to be alone, that means I don’t like them, I’m selfish because they want to spend time with me and I don’t want them and…!!!

I just hope that this Christmas will be calm and happy, but I guess I’m just naive.