Yeah, feeling really “great”.
Once again, my disorder is messing with my life. This weekend I was supposed to have a workshop with our school choir, but no, not for me. Not that I don’t want to go there, I was looking forward to it for weeks. I love singing and I fancy myself to be a good singer, at least a little bit. But no “dreams come true” for me, I guess.
The thing I have always wanted the most is to belong somewhere. To have a group of people I could call friends, who would love me and accept me for who I am. People I could laugh with and go out and have fun. But every time I thought that this is it, this is where I belong, it ends. At the beginning of this semester, I thought it again. People from school started to meet every Monday, started a choir, it was great and I was happy. And then my brain decided that happiness is not for me. I want to go out with people, but every time I’m happy and excited, it last only for a while and then it starts feeling bad, like really bad. It’s like a candle that burned too quickly and now it’s darkness. I start to feel that people think I was stupid, embarrasing, fat, terrible and so on and it just destroys my happy memories.
And this week, my anxiety got so much worse. I have problems falling asleep, but when I do sleep, I have nightmares, really vivid nightmares, that leave me restless and disoriented for most of day. I’m tired, because I don’t really get some rest during nights, I feel pressured to do some work, do things I have to do, go to school, find a job, be independent, start writing diploma thesis and so on and so on and…my brain just got overload, which means depression and anxiety. Leaving the flat seems scary, with so many noises. At random times, some noise gets into my head and it seems much louder than it is and I got anxiety attact. When I’m outside, I try to control it, I push my boundaries to calm down, because nobody wants to meet a freak like that. Unfortunatelly, this builds up the pressure and takes a lot of strength, which ultimately leads to more attacks and worsening of symptoms.
Right now, I feel like I’m going to break down any second. Every thought scares me, I don’t see any meaning in even trying to be normal and I’m tired of all this. I just want to be normal, live normal life, have friends, go out and be happy. But I’m not and I don’t know, if this change sometime in the future. I really wanted to go this workshop, have great time with friends, may be go for a beer or two after it, sing and be happy. Instead, all I have is fear of noise and fear of silence, exhaustion and fear of sleep, lot of work to do and no will to do it, desperate wish to belong somewhere and be appreciated for my skills and fear of going out, fear of what people really think.
Well, my brain is still on strike and it all still just sucks. I have anxiety attacks at least once a day and for couple of last days, insomnia visited me again. It’s a vicious circle, really. The more tired I am, the more depressed and anxious I’m and the more problems with sleep and everything I have and so on and so on… I try not to take any pills for my anxiety, because I have Rivotril and it can be addictive, so I try not to take it unless it’s really emergency, like I start to shake, being physically sick and all the “great” stuff that go along with that. And people call depressions mental illness, it’s really just a package with everything, sort of all inclusive…
The problems is, I am TIRED! I would like to go to bed, I have to go to work tomorrow! But I know this state, I will lie down and suddenly, all my tiredness will magically go away. And then I sleep badly, I wake up tired and sleep in the afternoon, it’s really like a circle. Right now, I’m trying to get myself sleepy with alcohol, that’s my old friend too… I hope it will work, because I’m tired and tomorrow (today actually) is going to be exhausting. My boyfriend is coming and I need to be nice and happy and just a good girlfriend in a time when I’m a bitch queen from hell. That’s how I describe the times, when I just bark at everyone, when I want everyone to just leave me alone, don’t talk to me, don’t expect anything, just leave me be. But the world goes on and it wants me to participate, to be great loving girlfiend, to cook meals, to communicate, to start working to school, to go to work…and it just builds inside and I want to scream and I can’t sleep, because my head is swirling with thoughts, pieces of songs and series I just can’t stop it!
Oh and don’t forget the pain. You think that mental illness can’t cause you a real pain? Well, wrong. It can and although usually it can be manageable, sometimes it’s just like something is trying to rip you into small pieces. ‘It’s these rare moments, when I try not to harm myself, sometimes unsuccesfully. I don’t want to really kill myself, I just want the pain to go away. The other option is to rip my chest apart and hope it will vaporize, but that’s a bit unrealistic. So don’t tell me I shouldn’t do it, it’s unnecessary and all that bullshit! At times, it’s the only way to survive until another day. Actually, when someone tries some good advice about my self-harming inclinations, all I hear is “you’re disgusting to me, I have no idea what you feel, but I know it better than you and so I want you to listen, I don’t want to listen to you, because you’re crazy and I don’t care a bit about how you feel, but you’re making me uncomfortable and I want you to do what I want”. I know I’m being bitchy now, but I’m exhausted!
I have to admit I’m quite afraid of Christmas time. I always feel pressured to be happy and feel good and I feel guilty when I’m not that happy as I think I should be. Also my parents think I should sit with them talking and watching TV, when all I want to do is make a good tea and read a book or watch a movie, alone… So I feel compelled to do what they want and not destroy Christmas and as a result, I’m tensed and upset. Or perhaps I just miss the enchanting time Christmas used to be when I was little, when I actually loved doing all that without thinking if I’m happy enough and if I’m not, what is wrong with me.
I love giving presents and thinking of the best gift, I just don’t like that I’m expected to spend with my parents, just so they would be happy. And I really don’t know how to explain that without them getting angry, because I have different needs. Somehow, people have hard time understanding, that I don’t need group of people around me all the time. I like people and I like hanging out with friends and all, but sometimes I also enjoy being completely alone. When I say this I see this “are you normal?” look, like it’s so weird that I don’t need other people to have a good time. It’s really driving me crazy! And I’m tired of explain this again and again hoping for people to understand and getting lot of hurt instead, because if I want to be alone, that means I don’t like them, I’m selfish because they want to spend time with me and I don’t want them and…!!!
I just hope that this Christmas will be calm and happy, but I guess I’m just naive.