I Really “Love” Coming Home

I really “love” coming home to my parents… I’ve come today after two weeks and I wanted to go back to my real home just about five minutes after meeting my mum. I think of a real home to the flat me and my boyfriend share with five other people, that’s ironic…

Well, I came home and then a friend came to bring me somethings. I went outside, just in the things I wear at home, leaving my “normal” things spread on bed, because I’m really “tidy”. I’m stressing this for the things coming. So anyway I was talking to my friend outside, when I saw my mum coming home and waved at her, convinced she saw me. I spent there another five or ten minutes and then came back, meeting my mum outside the apartment behaving like I ran away or something! I mean, what did she think? My laptop was on, my things were inside, I obviously went out couple minutes ago just in my home things… Oh and the flat was locked, so nobody obviously kidnapped me. She said herself, that she thought I just went outside for a few minutes for something, but she freaked out anyway, she said she searched the apartment (even the bathroom, what she expected, me in a pool of blood?!), she called me (I had my phone in my pocket, but didn’t hear it outside) and she was going outside to look for me. I have never seen her acting like this, saying I stressed her out so much she needs a drink… And then, a thought came to me, that somehow, she freaked out because of my mental problems. I asked her few times what she thought and she just muttered something and I really felt like she was worried so much because of my illness…and she made me feel super guilty for making her worried so much.

In that moment, I felt like I need a drink. It felt so humiliating! Like I was some sort of weird unpredictable creature that can do something stupid anytime. I know I overreact a bit, but it’s just because I get so frustrated with her. I try to understand how hard it is for them to deal with my problems, I try to answer all their question patiently, no matter how uncomfortable I get or how many times they asked the same question, but still, I feel like their looking at me as some sort of alien with two heads or something! I really don’t know how to deal with this, how to approach them…

And I am at home for about 8 hours and I feel like I need a drink really bad, well more like a whole bottle. My mum arguing with my dad over some stupid things, telling me what to do with my life and what she thinks about me deciding to end one of my studies… Yes, she means it well, trying to help by giving her opinion… And I don’t have the courage to tell her that I don’t asked for her opinion, because I don’t want to hurt her, when she’s trying so much… and I try to remind myself of this over and over again, but usually I get so tired after two days at home that I don’t want to come back for looooong time. And then I feel guilty, because my mum tells me how she misses me and how she looks forward to seing me again…honestly I feel like the worst daughter in all the world and I have no idea what to do, how to behave, how to get comfortable in all this… And I feel totally ungreateful for having so caring parents, then feeling like nobody’s listening to me here and then I usually have a panic attack. Or drink(s).

So after all this super confusing and exhausting coming home, I really need a drink. Thank God we have wine.

2010-12-27-Best played alone

 

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The Future

I wanted to write about my Christmas and holiday and New Year’s Eve and all, but today, I have a more pressing problem taking me away from my work. I’m getting really worried about my future, it’s driving me crazy, literally. Next year this time I will be studying for my final exams and hopefully getting my master’s degree, but what after that?

I know the plan should be getting already some experience in my field, finding future available jobs etc, but the question in my head is, “Am I even able to function as a normal person in adult life?” I honestly cannot imagine going to a work every day, because what happens when I won’t feel “well”? In another words, what if just the thought of going out and deal with everything will switch my brain into panic and non-working state? When my head gets overloaded, it just stops working, I can’t concentrate, I can’t think, I can’t even talk or move, my brain is incapable of sending those signals. I hear my boyfriend talking to me, I know I should respond, I even say the sentence in my head, but it doesn’t reach my mouth. Imagine this happening somewhere in an office. Me, staring blankly somewhere, people talking to me, while I’m unable to get my brain to send some signals to my body to move and speak and just behave like a normal human being.

I got really worried about this during this exam period. It’s very hard to study, when your brain is on strike, but you know you have to, so you force your head to cooperate, for some time and then it’s even worse. No wonder I sleep so much these days! But anyway, it got me really worried about future, how do you even talk to an employer about depressions? Do you tak about it? How can you convince someone you are able to work for them, when you can’t even convince yourself?

I don’t want to be dependent on my parents for the rest of their lives and I don’t want to be a burden to my partner. But I don’t know how I will be able to financially support myself with my weird brain and it’s really scary. So it doesn’t help that I think about this when I should be studying, because it only makes things worse…