I’m Sorry For Your Suffering, DID Community! You Are Valid, You Are Loved!

I’m fucking living right now! So some good news, rage can get me out of my depression!

Some time ago I started following several youtubers with dissociative identity disorder (DID), because I wanted to learn more. DID is one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized mental disorders and there are some really good channels out there. I’ve been planning on writing about them here, but with all the shit going on recently in my life, I just didn’t get to it. And now, DID community is going through some serious issues, because a certain youtuber decided that having DID is a good money grab!

On March 4, a youtuber named Anthony Padilla posted another video in his series of “I spent a day with…” called I spent a day with MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES (Dissociative Identity Disorder). He interviewed three people with DID, asked them about their lives, their experience, it’s a very well done video and I highly recommend you watch it, if you want to have a good starting point in learning more about DID.

The proof that is was really well done is that one of the three people is DissociaDID, a system having an amazing YT channel. During the interview Nin, the host, switched to Kyle, and Anthony didn’t even blink, they just shaked hands and continued. Not only that but they also gave Kyle Nin’s coat to cover his legs, because he was really uncomfortable being in a short skirt. Some time later Nin wanted to switch back to answer a question she really wanted to answer and during that a Little (an alter that is very young, kid or young teen) came out. They were very confused, but Anthony again did everything to make the kid comfortable and the Little actually answered the question in an amazing way. It was surprising to see the bit with the Little left in the video, because I know that DissociaDID is very protective of their Littles. Later in a stream Nin explained that they decided to leave it in, because it was really beautiful, powerful and brave, but she did ask Anthony to hide the Little’s name and age (predators could abuse this knowledge to attack and lure the person). Overall, Anthony was amazingly professional and kind, he was very compassionate, DissociaDID’s switches are pretty awful and he was reassuring them to take their time, offering them to leave for a bit, if they needed…

All this is great, but here comes the problem that I’ve just learned about and that makes me absolutely livid! You see, Anthony Padilla is a very popular youtuber, he has over 4 millions subscribers. So lot of people watched this video and it was trending on YT’s main page for quite a bit. Which is where a certain youtuber decided that it was a great way to get views and cash from ads. I’m just gonna say that this person is a woman, I am NOT naming her, although if you do go watch some of the videos I will link here, you will see her name. Please don’t go watch her videos, don’t give her views.

Anyway, this person is known for claiming to be a member of certain communities etc only to get views and attentin, because even hate views are views and the bring her money, because sadly, she does have a big YT following. This person made a video claiming that they have DID and to present their alters. If you want to see DissociaDID reacting to her video, explaining all the things she claims wrong and all the misinformation she’s spreading, it’s here. I jut have to say that Nin was so respectful, I admire her, I would be furious.

Anthony Padilla also called that youtuber out for her behavior. And that’s when shit hit the fan. This female youtuber made another video, where she got incredibly angry and aggressive. I watched some parts of it (on another channel, I did NOT gave that person views) and it was bad. She curses, yells, gestures violently etc. She doubled down on Twitter, she went after Anthony Padilla and DissociaDID.

Her videos and her whole tirade has gotten so far that she is actively traumatizing the whole DID community! And just to be clear here, DID is developed as a defense mechanism when child goes through terrible trauma and doesn’t have a space to properly deal with. We are talking about people, who were severely abused as little kids, so badly that as a defense mechanism, their brain created different personalities, that hold these traumas and memories, so that the person can go on. We are talking about people who were to hell and back! We are talking about people, who face stigma on daily basis, whose lives are very difficult because they went through incredible pain as little kids!

And how do I know that the youtuber’s video are traumatizing and hurting the whole DID community? Yesterday, Kyle from the DissociaDID system posted a short video. In that he explains that one of the last videos of said youtuber, where she screams, and swears and is threating, caused the system serious flashbacks and retraumatized them. It got so bad, that there was another split! And from what I read on their Twitter, this system is not the only one suffering. Many people in the community are deeply affected and there were splits. Just to make it absolutely clear. This youtuber acted in such a way, that she caused flashbacks to serious childhood trauma and it got so bad that in some systems the brain had to CREATE ANOTHER PERSONALITY JUST TO BE ABLE TO COPE!

I can’t even BEGIN to describe how absolutely infuriating this is! It’s… disgusting, it’s vile, it’s abusive! That youtuber just went straight to the same level as all the awful people, who caused people to develop DID! There are people now saying that they are afraid to talk about having DID, because they are afraid that people will associate them with said youtuber. She is damaging and abusing so many people, just because she wants the ad money. Because DID was trending, she needed some attention and money, so she went for it. It… I can’t believe somebody would be so vile and disgusting. To me, this person is barely human now, because this is beyond my comprehension. I think this commentary video by a channel called Kristina Maione says it really well. I absolutely agree with her rage and I agree with her words!

And to people out there with DID, please know that you are loved, you are valid, you are special and you are amazing. Your alters are valid, you are not an awful person and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am so sorry that you and your community are struggling right now, but you are not alone. So many people are furious at your behalf, so many people see your suffering and stand by your side. I love you, my heart breaks for you and I wish there was something I could to help you. Please hang on!

And for those, who are looking for some good information about DID, these are the channels I personally watch, love and follow:
1. DissociaDID.
2. MultiplicityAndMe.
3. The Entropy System.

And Then the World Crumbles

When just going through the day is giving me anxiety, what am I supposed to do? Just hide? And what if that’s not the option?

I used to read newspaper a lot. Every Friday my dad bought it, because there was a TV program and I read it all, because I felt it was my “duty” to be informed about what’s going on. Back then, I didn’t realize, what it was all about. I was stupid and didn’t see that all this news in TV and papers was just concentrated extract of what is wrong with the world. And I didn’t see the damage it did. I felt that the whole world is falling apart, people hate each other and most of all, I wasn’t sure I want to live in such a world, in a place filled with pain, hatred and dishonesty. It contributed a whole lot to my suicidal thoughts I had at the time when I was fifteen, because it triggered me badly.

Eventually, I stopped following the news, I stopped reading it online, stopped watching TV, stopped reading it. I figured I don’t need to know everything and when there is something big, Facebook would tell me sooner or later. I did it to protect myself and my well-being. I don’t want to know. Having lunch/dinner and then watch news is like pushing a finger down my throat and throw up. Is it maybe short-sighted? Perhaps it is. Is it necessary? Absolutely. I got many times the “how are you staying informed” look. Just last weekend my sister told me that there is a coup in Turkey, just before I went to sleep. I asked her, why was she telling me that, she didn’t know. Great, thanks for triggering me for now reason…

The reason I’ writing all this is that in recent events happening around the world, I’m basically in the state of never-ending anxiety and depression. Killing, shooting and all that, I just want to hide. It’s like with every new thing part of me dies. My faith in this world dissolves and I’m slowly dying, because I just can’t stand the pain. These last weeks were terrible and I guess more is coming. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard, when people panic, saying the world as we know it is going to end and we’re heading into disaster and that’s just what my brain loves and my soul hates…

Meanwhile, the Humanitarian Crisis in Venezuela

Venezuela, you know, one of the states in South America.

And this pretty small state is in dire economic and humanitarian crisis. The government there is trying to safe face and is pretending there is no crisis. We in an animal support group have gathered money and resources for our friend there, who helps and rescues cats and dogs and doesn’t have medicine or food for them or herself. We meant to send the shipment via maritime shipment, but that takes more time. If we want to get the pet food and supplies for Sol to get there before August 1st, we need air mail, but that costs much more.

I beg you all to please donate here for our YouCaring campaign, so we can ship the things in a few days and get there to our friend before it’s too late. And I also beg you all to share this story, share what’s happening there, spread the word, so the politicians in Venezuela and everywhere do something about this desperate situation.

I leave with the words our friend today posted:
“Guys, everyone who has participated in the food and goods donation: there has been a very unfortunate turn of events regarding the shipment.
A new law that will be enforced as of August 1st, will forbid all medicine, personal use items and food entering the country, even if by private courier.
They already confiscate or steal all that comes through regular ports, but this new rule includes couriers, no matter if the shipments and its contents have been paid for already. The authorities will just take them away (probably to sell them in their black market).
This because the constant flux of goods being shipped to Venezuela by private couriers, reforces the notion that there is a crisis in Venezuela that the government desperately tries to deny. (A lot of Venezuelans have fled the country, and they send goods to their families left behind).
This leaves us with only 11 days to get the shipment here, and a maritime shipment takes from 15 to 20 days. Meaning the shipment won’t be here on time, and it will be retained in customs šŸ˜¦ The only way we could get it here on time is via air, which takes only a week, but costs double.
I’d hate to think all the time, money and effort we have dedicated to these donations will end up in the hands of the crooks we tried to keep them from, in the first place.
Please keep in mind that this government is taking everything from us, and now it’s time to rob us from the opportunity of being helped out.
Thank you so much again, for everything everyone has already done, if maybe anybody can help again we would be forever grateful,
The youcaring link is still active, if you can’t help, please share it so maybe someone else can, we need to fly the shipment by Friday July 22nd at most!

Thank you so much, once more!”

The Price of Sanity

I’ve made really not very pleasant discovery last week and that is what it costs to have long-term therapy.

I was seeing therapist for almost a year in my university town and it was great, it helped me a lot and the therapist was amazing. And it was covered by my insurance, which was also great help. Unfortunately, everything ends and so did my therapy, because in June I moved back to my home. So I went to see my psychiatrist here and asked for recommendation of new therapist, because the last one advised me to continue with the sessions. And I learned that I could get insurance payed one, but only short-term, which means about ten sessions and that’s it. If I want long term, I have to pay for it myself and it’s not small amount.

Personally, I think I could afford at least two sessions per month, that’s not the problem. I have the money, so I’m ok. But it got me thinking about the whole big picture. Imagine someone is having really bad depression and/or anxiety and it prevents them from having a regular job and supporting themselves. They are short of money and they are told that they get only ten sessions covered by insurance and if they want or need long-term therapy, they have to pay for it full. Which they can’t, because they can’t have a full-time job, so they don’t have the money to pay for the therapy that could help the get full-time job and get money and so on.

I guess other insurance companies might have better options, but honestly, I don’t believe it much. The one in my college town was probably only covered because it was in a support center for children and young adults. And I don’t know what is the solution, what is the way to get the help and support mentally ill people need. I just know it makes me sad and angry…

No, I Don’t Think Rape Jokes Are Funny

Trigger warning: rape, rape jokes

What to do, when someone in your presence tell rape joke? That is a question I have never wanted to know the answer for, but unfortunately, I’ve learned it recently. And I’ve also learned the price for speaking up…

I spent the New Year’s Eve at my boyfriend’s house, which means some of his relatives are over, his sister and her husband, I’m usually bit anxious there, not that they are bad people, I just have so little in common with them and lot of their conversation topics make me uncomfortable… And suddenly, my almost father-in-la told a rape joke. Not really explicit or something, but the meaning was clear. Everyone except me and my boyfriend laughed and I said I don’t think it’s really good talking about “sex” with unconscious person, that it’s not funny. My boyfriend’s uncle reacts “yeah, but that’s why it’s just a joke” and everyone was looking at me like I’m a total buzzkill, my father-in-law looked like I totally hurt his feelings, because I dared to say something and all in all, in that moment it felt that I clearly don’t belong there…

I’m not very proud to say that I just went upstairs and spent rest of my evening there and that I cried, because I really really want to fit there, if I can’t fit into my own family, but I guess that’s just my wishful thinking. It’s not easy for me to speak up when I know people around me have really different opinions, because I hate opening myself to possibly getting hurt, so when I did that and I got hurt, it felt really bad.

My point, however, is that rape jokes aren’t funny. And it’s not funny to “have sex” with unconscious person. I use quotation marks, because how can we call it sex, if one person has no idea what’s going on… When you joke about such things, you make it sound that it’s ok to do it, when it’s not. I was only glad that my boyfriend’s younger brother wasn’t there. He’s just in puberty and what would this teach him about women and the ways he can treat them. One of my friends was rapes few years ago and it wasn’t fun. It wasn’t fun at the moment and it wasn’t fun for her to recover. It wasn’t joke for her…

Also, when you joke about raping someone unconscious, you’re also saying that it was their fault, they were “asking for it”. That’s called victim blaming and it’s total bullshit. When someone chooses to rape someone, who is passed out, it’s the decision of the rapist, they’re the one who decided to do it, it’s not the victim! You can say “but they shouldn’t been drunk” and so on, but the last decision, the decision to act, is always on the side of the rapist, never the victim.

And if you want to know more about why rape jokes aren’t funny, watch this short video by amazing Justin Dennis and let her explain it to you:

Where Do We Go From Here?

Hate creates hate. Fear creates fear. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. It’s like a snake that eats its tail. Where do we go from here?

I would like to know the right answer, because all I get is bunch of the wrongs ones. People saying “we should accept the immigrants” and people saying “we should just kick them back to their country” and people saying “we should just kill them all”. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

People say we need to help them, because they are in desperate situation. Hundreds of them drowned, hundreds of them are in terrible conditions and have nowhere to go. Literally, they can’t go back and they have problems moving forward. People say they are dangerous, they come here to destroy Europe. I see them spitting hate like saliva, their eyes red with fury and hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

It’s like there’s no longer any middle ground, you have to be this or you have to be that. You have to accept or you have to hate. What if both feels wrong? What if I can’t just say “accept them all”, because there might be danger among them, but I also can’t say “kill them all”, because they are in need. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I no longer know what to believe in, it’s like it’s two sides of one coin, you can see either one or the other, but never both. Where is the truth? And will we ever find it? And what if we don’t? Fear creates fear.

The people here scare me. Not the ones coming here, the ones that are here already. They hate and they miss the past. They miss Nazzi and Hitler and gass chambers, they want to shoot everyone who’s different. They attack women simply for having darker skin or wearing a scarf, because that’s a sure sign of dangerous Muslim… They fear and they hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

It’s like a bad dream, like we are heading to a tunnel and there is no light at the end of it. ISIS creates hate and fear, they spread it like a fire. Media takes it, because that’s what people want to see and want to hear, that’s what attracts viewers and readers. Fear and hate. No good news, that don’t sell, just fear and hate. Fear creates fear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

My heart is bleeding. Not only for Paris, although it was bad. My heart bleeds for this world, for our lives. Hate and fear is the theme and I know I’m not an exception. I might not hate, but I do fear. I spend most of the last months in a forced bubble, because any thought about the immigrants and the fear and the hate caused me anxiety so bad I couldn’t breath. I felt like there’s a poison in the air and with each breath I was slowly dying. Fear creates fear.

I don’t hate. I understand both sides. Does it make things easier? Do I feel like I know the answer? I wish to know where is the path, the one that doesn’t lead to distruction. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I wish we could see the light at the end of this tunnel. I wish God could show us the way. Fear creates frear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

Suicide and Homicide, the Role Models for Mentally Ill

One of the inspirations for this entry was an article from another blogger living with schizophrenia. I recommend you to read it: This Has Been Heavily Edited to Suit AllĀ Audiences.

 

Role models. Those are people who inspire us in some way, we want to achieve what they did, look like they do or something like that. We try to imitate them, behave like them, dress like them, talk like them, so we can have something they have. It might be a successful person in bussiness, it might be our parents, it might be a fictional character and so on. The “fun” starts, when you have some mental illness. Oh yes, looking for someone to inspire you is…well, bitter to say the least.

I tried to think about some famous people in my country with mental illness. I came up with few, one died of heart attack at pretty early age, one combined alcohol and pills and the combination was lethal, one died in mental hospital, because his illness got worse, the other two comitted suicide… When it comes to famous people abroad, some singer, actor, politician, just someone, I can’t come up with anyone. Well, I can, but Robin Williams also comitted suicide, so…

And that’s the “fun”! Think about representation of mental illnesses in media. How many fictional characters can you come up with that are mentally ill, but have normal happy life? How many of these stories are in news? Honestly, I can’t think of even one… But how many fictional villains are mentally ill? They are depressed, schizofrenic, just twisted personalities… Yeah, maaany… And news representation? Oh yes, stories of a mentally ill murderers are common, just think about the last one, which inspired me to write this blog.

The German pilot crashed a plane in Alps and killed 149 people and himself. That itself is terrible, but at least for a week media was full of him being depressed as the reason for this act. I stopped reading articles about this right after this discovery, it was too much. Unfortunatelly, I wasn’t spared the “depressed people are crazy” sort of comment and it actually came from my partner… He read some article and then said something like “it turns out that the pilot was crazy, he was depressed”. I don’t remember the exact words, but I remember the feeling. He sat with his back to me, so he couldn’t see my face, but I felt like I froze in place. And then I got really angry, thinking if this is what people think about me behind my back, that I’m crazy. Then I got bitter, wondering if I can actually be angry about that, considering what is the media representation of mentally ill people. And then I just got really tired of this situation…

We are portrayed as crazy people who cannot control themselves, who are just incapable of living normal life. Which is harmful in so many ways. First of all, think about the people who just realized they might have some mental problems, but are afraid to see a doctor and get treatment, because they are afraid of being labeled as “crazy”. Second, think of the people who are living with some mental problems, what are the messages they get, there are no role models for us, who would give us hope that we can live pretty normal life despite our problems. Yeah, our self-esteem might get really low because of this at times… Third, think about our families and friends, how are they to cope with our problems, when the messages they get are again that we are crazy, unable to control ourselves, our lives are doomed. Fourth, what about the strangers we meet, for example when we apply for a job, should we tell them, will it influence their opinion about us, will they think us uncapable of performing the job? And so on…

As I was looking up some mentally ill famous people, I made a mistake and read some comments under the articles about their deaths. And there is was, some people writing that people just need to work more, that they make this up to feel important or different, that they are just weak, because nobody strong would ever fall for such a nonsense. Oh and one saying that living with such a person (meaning mentally ill person) is something nobody could ever stand for more than few days. It felt really “great”, but it didn’t really surprised me…

It makes me frustrated and tired. I would really love to see someone out there, who I can relate to, who has mental problems and is happy and living normal life. May be even famous and successful. I’m tired of media emphasizing the fact that some murderer was mentally ill in a way to say “you see, normal person would never do that, this is just a crazy person”. Or in the case of the pilot, it is “you don’t have to be afraid of flying, this is just an isolated case of crazy person, nobody normal would ever do such a thing”. Which feels very “supportive”. I’m tired of questions popping up in my head, wondering if I actually have a chance for normal happy life, wondering if this is not exactly the reality that awaits me, ending up as another one commiting suicide, because they can’t take it anymore. I’m just tired of all this. And fed up of dealing with this everyday.