And Then the World Crumbles

When just going through the day is giving me anxiety, what am I supposed to do? Just hide? And what if that’s not the option?

I used to read newspaper a lot. Every Friday my dad bought it, because there was a TV program and I read it all, because I felt it was my “duty” to be informed about what’s going on. Back then, I didn’t realize, what it was all about. I was stupid and didn’t see that all this news in TV and papers was just concentrated extract of what is wrong with the world. And I didn’t see the damage it did. I felt that the whole world is falling apart, people hate each other and most of all, I wasn’t sure I want to live in such a world, in a place filled with pain, hatred and dishonesty. It contributed a whole lot to my suicidal thoughts I had at the time when I was fifteen, because it triggered me badly.

Eventually, I stopped following the news, I stopped reading it online, stopped watching TV, stopped reading it. I figured I don’t need to know everything and when there is something big, Facebook would tell me sooner or later. I did it to protect myself and my well-being. I don’t want to know. Having lunch/dinner and then watch news is like pushing a finger down my throat and throw up. Is it maybe short-sighted? Perhaps it is. Is it necessary? Absolutely. I got many times the “how are you staying informed” look. Just last weekend my sister told me that there is a coup in Turkey, just before I went to sleep. I asked her, why was she telling me that, she didn’t know. Great, thanks for triggering me for now reason…

The reason I’ writing all this is that in recent events happening around the world, I’m basically in the state of never-ending anxiety and depression. Killing, shooting and all that, I just want to hide. It’s like with every new thing part of me dies. My faith in this world dissolves and I’m slowly dying, because I just can’t stand the pain. These last weeks were terrible and I guess more is coming. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard, when people panic, saying the world as we know it is going to end and we’re heading into disaster and that’s just what my brain loves and my soul hates…

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Meanwhile, the Humanitarian Crisis in Venezuela

Venezuela, you know, one of the states in South America.

And this pretty small state is in dire economic and humanitarian crisis. The government there is trying to safe face and is pretending there is no crisis. We in an animal support group have gathered money and resources for our friend there, who helps and rescues cats and dogs and doesn’t have medicine or food for them or herself. We meant to send the shipment via maritime shipment, but that takes more time. If we want to get the pet food and supplies for Sol to get there before August 1st, we need air mail, but that costs much more.

I beg you all to please donate here for our YouCaring campaign, so we can ship the things in a few days and get there to our friend before it’s too late. And I also beg you all to share this story, share what’s happening there, spread the word, so the politicians in Venezuela and everywhere do something about this desperate situation.

I leave with the words our friend today posted:
“Guys, everyone who has participated in the food and goods donation: there has been a very unfortunate turn of events regarding the shipment.
A new law that will be enforced as of August 1st, will forbid all medicine, personal use items and food entering the country, even if by private courier.
They already confiscate or steal all that comes through regular ports, but this new rule includes couriers, no matter if the shipments and its contents have been paid for already. The authorities will just take them away (probably to sell them in their black market).
This because the constant flux of goods being shipped to Venezuela by private couriers, reforces the notion that there is a crisis in Venezuela that the government desperately tries to deny. (A lot of Venezuelans have fled the country, and they send goods to their families left behind).
This leaves us with only 11 days to get the shipment here, and a maritime shipment takes from 15 to 20 days. Meaning the shipment won’t be here on time, and it will be retained in customs 😦 The only way we could get it here on time is via air, which takes only a week, but costs double.
I’d hate to think all the time, money and effort we have dedicated to these donations will end up in the hands of the crooks we tried to keep them from, in the first place.
Please keep in mind that this government is taking everything from us, and now it’s time to rob us from the opportunity of being helped out.
Thank you so much again, for everything everyone has already done, if maybe anybody can help again we would be forever grateful,
The youcaring link is still active, if you can’t help, please share it so maybe someone else can, we need to fly the shipment by Friday July 22nd at most!

Thank you so much, once more!”

The Price of Sanity

I’ve made really not very pleasant discovery last week and that is what it costs to have long-term therapy.

I was seeing therapist for almost a year in my university town and it was great, it helped me a lot and the therapist was amazing. And it was covered by my insurance, which was also great help. Unfortunately, everything ends and so did my therapy, because in June I moved back to my home. So I went to see my psychiatrist here and asked for recommendation of new therapist, because the last one advised me to continue with the sessions. And I learned that I could get insurance payed one, but only short-term, which means about ten sessions and that’s it. If I want long term, I have to pay for it myself and it’s not small amount.

Personally, I think I could afford at least two sessions per month, that’s not the problem. I have the money, so I’m ok. But it got me thinking about the whole big picture. Imagine someone is having really bad depression and/or anxiety and it prevents them from having a regular job and supporting themselves. They are short of money and they are told that they get only ten sessions covered by insurance and if they want or need long-term therapy, they have to pay for it full. Which they can’t, because they can’t have a full-time job, so they don’t have the money to pay for the therapy that could help the get full-time job and get money and so on.

I guess other insurance companies might have better options, but honestly, I don’t believe it much. The one in my college town was probably only covered because it was in a support center for children and young adults. And I don’t know what is the solution, what is the way to get the help and support mentally ill people need. I just know it makes me sad and angry…

No, I Don’t Think Rape Jokes Are Funny

Trigger warning: rape, rape jokes

What to do, when someone in your presence tell rape joke? That is a question I have never wanted to know the answer for, but unfortunately, I’ve learned it recently. And I’ve also learned the price for speaking up…

I spent the New Year’s Eve at my boyfriend’s house, which means some of his relatives are over, his sister and her husband, I’m usually bit anxious there, not that they are bad people, I just have so little in common with them and lot of their conversation topics make me uncomfortable… And suddenly, my almost father-in-la told a rape joke. Not really explicit or something, but the meaning was clear. Everyone except me and my boyfriend laughed and I said I don’t think it’s really good talking about “sex” with unconscious person, that it’s not funny. My boyfriend’s uncle reacts “yeah, but that’s why it’s just a joke” and everyone was looking at me like I’m a total buzzkill, my father-in-law looked like I totally hurt his feelings, because I dared to say something and all in all, in that moment it felt that I clearly don’t belong there…

I’m not very proud to say that I just went upstairs and spent rest of my evening there and that I cried, because I really really want to fit there, if I can’t fit into my own family, but I guess that’s just my wishful thinking. It’s not easy for me to speak up when I know people around me have really different opinions, because I hate opening myself to possibly getting hurt, so when I did that and I got hurt, it felt really bad.

My point, however, is that rape jokes aren’t funny. And it’s not funny to “have sex” with unconscious person. I use quotation marks, because how can we call it sex, if one person has no idea what’s going on… When you joke about such things, you make it sound that it’s ok to do it, when it’s not. I was only glad that my boyfriend’s younger brother wasn’t there. He’s just in puberty and what would this teach him about women and the ways he can treat them. One of my friends was rapes few years ago and it wasn’t fun. It wasn’t fun at the moment and it wasn’t fun for her to recover. It wasn’t joke for her…

Also, when you joke about raping someone unconscious, you’re also saying that it was their fault, they were “asking for it”. That’s called victim blaming and it’s total bullshit. When someone chooses to rape someone, who is passed out, it’s the decision of the rapist, they’re the one who decided to do it, it’s not the victim! You can say “but they shouldn’t been drunk” and so on, but the last decision, the decision to act, is always on the side of the rapist, never the victim.

And if you want to know more about why rape jokes aren’t funny, watch this short video by amazing Justin Dennis and let her explain it to you:

Where Do We Go From Here?

Hate creates hate. Fear creates fear. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. It’s like a snake that eats its tail. Where do we go from here?

I would like to know the right answer, because all I get is bunch of the wrongs ones. People saying “we should accept the immigrants” and people saying “we should just kick them back to their country” and people saying “we should just kill them all”. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

People say we need to help them, because they are in desperate situation. Hundreds of them drowned, hundreds of them are in terrible conditions and have nowhere to go. Literally, they can’t go back and they have problems moving forward. People say they are dangerous, they come here to destroy Europe. I see them spitting hate like saliva, their eyes red with fury and hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

It’s like there’s no longer any middle ground, you have to be this or you have to be that. You have to accept or you have to hate. What if both feels wrong? What if I can’t just say “accept them all”, because there might be danger among them, but I also can’t say “kill them all”, because they are in need. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I no longer know what to believe in, it’s like it’s two sides of one coin, you can see either one or the other, but never both. Where is the truth? And will we ever find it? And what if we don’t? Fear creates fear.

The people here scare me. Not the ones coming here, the ones that are here already. They hate and they miss the past. They miss Nazzi and Hitler and gass chambers, they want to shoot everyone who’s different. They attack women simply for having darker skin or wearing a scarf, because that’s a sure sign of dangerous Muslim… They fear and they hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

It’s like a bad dream, like we are heading to a tunnel and there is no light at the end of it. ISIS creates hate and fear, they spread it like a fire. Media takes it, because that’s what people want to see and want to hear, that’s what attracts viewers and readers. Fear and hate. No good news, that don’t sell, just fear and hate. Fear creates fear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

My heart is bleeding. Not only for Paris, although it was bad. My heart bleeds for this world, for our lives. Hate and fear is the theme and I know I’m not an exception. I might not hate, but I do fear. I spend most of the last months in a forced bubble, because any thought about the immigrants and the fear and the hate caused me anxiety so bad I couldn’t breath. I felt like there’s a poison in the air and with each breath I was slowly dying. Fear creates fear.

I don’t hate. I understand both sides. Does it make things easier? Do I feel like I know the answer? I wish to know where is the path, the one that doesn’t lead to distruction. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I wish we could see the light at the end of this tunnel. I wish God could show us the way. Fear creates frear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?