Just Another Day With Anxiety

These two days have been pretty exhausting, especially today. Yesterday I got migraine, so I mostly slept, but today, I felt my anxiety reaching higher and higher, which is not much fun, to be honest.

My heart is racing, from morning until now, which has some really nice side effects. For example, I’m hungry all the time, because somehow my body feels I have really big energy output, I’m tired, because it feels like I’m running whole day, I have trouble breathing, for the same reason and I’m super restless whole day. I guess it’s adrenalin or something, but honestly, it’s exhausting. I have trouble concentrating on anything, because I feel that everything is too slow and it takes too much time. I have trouble talking, because I can’t catch my breath. Time moves slowly all day, nothing makes me happy, because I feel nervous and on edge all the time, nervous and restless.

Yeah, that’s one of the symptoms of my anxiety, although it’s not as painfull and swift as other versions, it’s equally exhausting, because everything takes much more energy. And all the conflicts and problems are harder to solve. My mum had one of her “I know everything better” moods today, I normally hate those, but today I just wanted to smash something. Then at the movie theatre, there were problems and my dad was getting nervous and angry and I felt bad, because it was my idea we go see new Star Wars together today… I tried taking pill to calm down, but it didn’t help much. It helps with big swift attacks, but I guess not with this kind.

So most of the day, I just felt restless, nervous, now I also feel physically sick and light-headed, I feel exhausted, yet not really tired, I know there are things I should and could do, yet I have trouble concentrating on those things or even remembering what are those things… What fun, really.

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Fog In My Head

Fog around me,
In my head,
Can’t see you,
Can’t see myself.

Lost
In my head,
In this world,
Alone,
Yet surrounded by people,
Confused, hurting.

Everything’s wrong,
I’m wrong,
Damaged, Destroyed,
Crying while smiling.

In fog,
My head,
My future,
Me,Can’t see me,
Lost.

Have I lost myself,
Fog in my head,
Can’t think,
Never good enough,
Weak, scared.

What if
Nothing ever changes,
And the light
Never comes,
And the fog
Will surround me

Forever.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Hate creates hate. Fear creates fear. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. It’s like a snake that eats its tail. Where do we go from here?

I would like to know the right answer, because all I get is bunch of the wrongs ones. People saying “we should accept the immigrants” and people saying “we should just kick them back to their country” and people saying “we should just kill them all”. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

People say we need to help them, because they are in desperate situation. Hundreds of them drowned, hundreds of them are in terrible conditions and have nowhere to go. Literally, they can’t go back and they have problems moving forward. People say they are dangerous, they come here to destroy Europe. I see them spitting hate like saliva, their eyes red with fury and hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

It’s like there’s no longer any middle ground, you have to be this or you have to be that. You have to accept or you have to hate. What if both feels wrong? What if I can’t just say “accept them all”, because there might be danger among them, but I also can’t say “kill them all”, because they are in need. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I no longer know what to believe in, it’s like it’s two sides of one coin, you can see either one or the other, but never both. Where is the truth? And will we ever find it? And what if we don’t? Fear creates fear.

The people here scare me. Not the ones coming here, the ones that are here already. They hate and they miss the past. They miss Nazzi and Hitler and gass chambers, they want to shoot everyone who’s different. They attack women simply for having darker skin or wearing a scarf, because that’s a sure sign of dangerous Muslim… They fear and they hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

It’s like a bad dream, like we are heading to a tunnel and there is no light at the end of it. ISIS creates hate and fear, they spread it like a fire. Media takes it, because that’s what people want to see and want to hear, that’s what attracts viewers and readers. Fear and hate. No good news, that don’t sell, just fear and hate. Fear creates fear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

My heart is bleeding. Not only for Paris, although it was bad. My heart bleeds for this world, for our lives. Hate and fear is the theme and I know I’m not an exception. I might not hate, but I do fear. I spend most of the last months in a forced bubble, because any thought about the immigrants and the fear and the hate caused me anxiety so bad I couldn’t breath. I felt like there’s a poison in the air and with each breath I was slowly dying. Fear creates fear.

I don’t hate. I understand both sides. Does it make things easier? Do I feel like I know the answer? I wish to know where is the path, the one that doesn’t lead to distruction. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear.

I wish we could see the light at the end of this tunnel. I wish God could show us the way. Fear creates frear. Hate creates hate. Fear creates hate and hate creates fear. Where do we go from here?

The Unsettling Thoughts

I always wonder what have to happen to people to get suddenly really hateful. I was going through my facebook feed and saw a friend posting a news article about a man sentenced to jail for rape. The crime is terrible and it’s scary, but what was also scary for me was the discussion that my friend and other people had under the post.

You see, the man was schizophrenic and whenever a mentally ill person is involved in a crime, I’m really worried about the comments. I’m no expert on this particular illness, but I know at least something and I know it’s really complicated. And that it’s the one illness that scares people the most, because schizophrenics are mostly presented as dangerous insane criminals. So this person was called “schizophrenic idiot”, one person said they doen’t believe that the rapist didn’t know what was doing and that people like this should be shot, because they are no asset to society…

It’s not the first time I have seen this, what people don’t undestand, they shame and hate. I was really surprised by that outburst, not only for what this man did, but also for his illness. I don’t want to appologize him, what he did was wrong. But what I find interesting is that he was tried before, for different things, but it was stopped for he was found insane. Why nobody helped him? Shouldn’t he have gone to hospital and be treated? Instead, he was probably just released and he harmed young girls and he’s sentenced and everybody is blaming him and he’s the dangerous schizophrenic. But where was the system?

I always feel kind of scared, when people start this hating for mental illness, because for some reason, what happened to us is our fault.

This really has no big point, I just always feel unsettled when I see things like this comments, and I needed to clear my head.

I’m on Facebook :-)

My goal for this blog is to be a place where people can learn about depression, anxiety and also a place, where I can clear my head and leave all the thoughts that spin in my head most of the time. I’m also aware that there are many more mental health issues and invisible illnesses that I can’t write about, because I don’t experience them, but I still want people to understand them too, as I am trying all the time. Which is where my Facebook page comes in. My blog posts are shared there automatically, but I also share there articles or pictures I find on other pages on Facebook that I think are good and educational. In the future, I would like to share there things from around the net, not only from other pages on Facebook, I just don’t have time for it yet, because most of my time and energy right now goes to finishing my studies in time. But in the future, I want my Facebook page to be a place, where you can find help and support with your problems and also a place to learn. And a place where I share my oh-so-important thoughts and things I do, obviously :-). So if you want, go like it and it might lead you to other pages that might interest you and give you some more insight into the complicated world that is mental health and invisible illness.

Sort of Confession

Those who know me longer know I drink quite a lot, I know they joke about it, often in front of me. I try to laugh it off, but yeah, they’re right. It’s just that sometimes it’s the only thing that numbs the pain or anxiety. And then there are entire weeks when I pretty much don’t drink at all and I don’t even feel the need to. And then there are days between, when I do pretty ok, yet I still feel like I need some safety blanket, because I can never know when things get bad again and I can’t sleep and I feel like I’ll jump out of my skin and it’s overwhelming. And there is a choice how to cope, I hurt myself or I drink. Or I take a pill to calm down, pill that can very easily be addictive. Not much of a good choices, I know, especially when alcohol can give me one hell of a migraine.

2012-06-14-Unease

Don’t Look In the Future…Or Look Too Much

I guess these days I mostly live in a denial, I refuse to look to future, I refuse to talk about it, refuse to think about it. I do talk, when asked, otherwise… I don’t, I can’t, because when I can’t stop and my heads starts spinning from fear.

I have to finish my diploma thesis in two months, I haven’t written much so far, because I was working all summer and didn’t have time. I’m so stressed that I have problems concentrating, I have anxiety attacks pretty much every day and the rest of the time I’m depressed, tired, feeling like it doesn’t matter anyway and remembering everyday chores and responsibilities is getting more and more difficult. I would sleep pretty much all the time, which doesn’t help either. All the time I think I need to work, faster and faster, to finish it in time and it scares me even more. Several times this last week I felt very close to breakdown, like I can’t take the pressure anymore, I don’t care what happens and I just want to sleep and let the rest of the world be. And I worry it will get worse, last time I was finishing school I was cutting severely, I was absolutelly down and I have no idea how I actually managed to do it, because I was in a mist, exhausted, empty, just going through the motion hoping I would make it somehow. Now the pressure is here again, hightened by the fact that I pay for every semester quite a lot of money now. Well, my parents do, which is why the pressure is even worse, I can’t disappoint them and I can’t make them pay one more semester because I’m not able to finish in time.

After finishing the school I have to move back to my home-town… I haven’t lived there for five years, it’s much smaller city than the one I live in now, I don’t have many friends there, not many job opportunities for me… Me and my boyfriend decided to move back there, because it was the practical decision. Well, for me anyway. We can live in the flat his parents own, which would mean saving money on the rent, our families are there to help and all, but I’m still not sure I want it. Or to be precise, I do want it and I don’t. Moving back after several years to smaller town scares me. I like the city, but I also like the one where I’m now. I like that in the big city I have lived for several years, everything is near. And opened till late hours, plenty of shops to choose from when I need something. And my friends are here, or at least most of the ones I have left now. My home-town is… quiet in comparison. And I’m so used to the current place that moving back is scary, everything will change, my life, I won’t be a student, I will be an adult and I’m not sure I know how to be an adult. From what I see, it means lot of stress, unhappiness, exhaustion, worries and not much of anything else. And just thinking about it I feel the rush of anxiety coming in… It doesn’t help much that at some point I’ll have to tell my parents that I won’t live with them before me and my boyfriend move in together. I just can’t, I love them, but I seriously can’t imagine living back at home for several months before he finishes his studies, even few days can be too much sometimes. And also… at times I feel like I wasn’t given a chance to really decide where I want to live, moving back was practical and smart and important for my partner, so I just went with it. And I know it’s good and I’ll probably like it, but at times I feel that my life is not in my hands, that I live in cage where I have to do what’s right, what’s expected of me, what’s appropriate without any room for me to do what I want. And I guess most of my dislike for moving back comes from this feeling, it was the right thing, the smart thing, the thing that everyone expected us to do, the thing I knew my partner wanted and I couldn’t face the pressure I felt.

And I’m getting married next summer, we need to plan it and I’m terrified I’ll somehow screw it up. I’ll be too anxious, too depressed, as fat as I am and looking terrible and disgusting in my dress, my family will have an argument… Or my mum will talk too much to the preparations that I will just give up arguing with her and she’ll make me feel terrible and selfish… She has already said that she should have a voice in any decisions, sice they’ll pay for it. And that If I invited her brother, she wouldn’t come. And she is master of making me feel guilty and ungrateful, although to be fair, my oversized sense of guilt helps her a lot.

And job… what if I don’t find any or am not able to stay in it. So far I got depressed and crushed in any job I’ve had. According to my parents, I’m too demanding, because I actually want a job that gives me some meaning, because I want to be happy and satisfied with what I do. I can work for myself, but that takes time and I don’t want my partner to take care of me while I’m finding myself or something. I don’t want to be his burden.

And then children… pills and pregnancy? Nothing better than withdrawal, depressions together with general hormonal storm of expecting a baby.

And what if we won’t have money, what if we screw up our relationship, what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhat ifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatif………

And just like that my head starts spinning, the fears I keep at bay most of the time just come from everywhere, screaming, making me want to curl up, hide or just disappear, because what is the point of stressful unhappy life. And doesn’t matter that it’s ridiculous and unrealistic and overreacting, that only makes me feel worse, like I’m just a weak coward that cannot just live life like everybody else, because other people are obviousy able to live without problems… The worst part it keeping the fears at bay, ignoring them, because once I let them in, I break. And I can’t afford that, I need to keep going, keep moving, because I have to finish my thesis in time and…here we go again, it’s like a hamster in a wheel…