Fading Away

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Basically my life these past days, weeks, months…? I don’t even know anymore. I was radiosilent for long long looong time, I can’t even remember when was the last time I wrote a post here. But don’t worry, I’m the same mess I used to be. Yeah… I’m getting sarcastic, can’t help it. Mostly because being sarcastic and ironic is the last step before breaking.

I don’t even know where to begin. Oh, my list of meds got longer. I used to be on one, now I take a nice mix of three different antidepressants and my therapist asked me in December if I had thought about getting hospitalized, because I told her I’m numb and mostly I just want to die, because I’m exhausted and I can’t see any light in my future. I got better, at least a bit. I still want to die sometimes, mostly when I feel trapped in my life and my head, there were times when I almost admitted myself to hospital. But when I think of being alone with bunch of strangers, that’s even worse, so… Also, my cats wouldn’t understand where I am and I don’t want to hurt my babies, they had enough hardship for most of their life, I don’t want to add to that.

If you remember, I ranted here last year that the 2016 is going to be very stressful for me, because it’s a big change for me, finishing studies, getting married, looking for job, moving out of my parents for good and all that. Well… it all went mostly well, until we were supposed to move in to our new flat, because the flat wasn’t finished. So for about six months we lived with my in-laws. I like them, but living under the same roof was way to much for me.

Anyway… I got a job and then I had such bad psychosomatic symptoms that I had to quit. That really “helped” my self-esteem. I really wnted to be good at that job, it wasn’t anything great, just your standard office rat, but I would get some money and the job was ok, my co-workers were mostly nice… But within a month, I started to feel dizzy even when sitting down, I was losing balance and couldn’t concentrate at all, turned out my anxiety decided it’s time to sabotage my life yet again. Now I’m freelancer, munching money from my parents and husband, because I have yet to get enough work to earn anything. Yep, it feels great.

I’m trying hard to breath and stay above water. I’m having regular therapy sessions, I also got into group therapy, which is in another town and I had to learn to drive again. I did, I’m not super excellent driver yet, but it’s at least one success. The group therapy is terrible. I mean, it’s good, the people are nice, but it’s terrible for me. The first session I dissociated so hard I couldn’t even remember basic words and couldn’t concentrate on anything. I just mentally wasn’t there. Generally, I think the therapy will be good fo me, but I’ll tell you in April, when it’s finished.

Going to regular therapy opened a lot of wounds and it’s hard to deal with them. I accepted that I’m having PTSD from being bullied for years. I have to face the problematic relationship I have with my mother, because it’s pretty unhealthy, bit abusive and manipulative, but I know my mum doesn’t do that intentionally and I don’t want to hurt her, yet communicating with her is very unpredictable.

Sometimes, I would just love to disappear and not have to deal with all this. I would just love to feel normal.

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Lonely Rant From a Lonely Scared Girl

Soooo…. I’m fucked up. Yeah, nice way to greet you all after such a long time. I have several post in the middle of writing, but left them. Probably finish them soon, because they are very real and accurate. But right now, it’s this.

I’m… anxious, depressed, scared, angry, there are lot of emotions in my head running wild, I’ve been fighting exhausting anxiety attack whole day. Right now, I’m drowning it in alcohol, good old alcohol. Very mature and very adult, I know. Like I’m either of those things anyway.

So what got me in such a “great” mood? I  have a job, an actual fultime job, not in my field, but earning money anyway. And I’m already screwing up. Or at least my mind is. Or my body. I can’t really tell anymore. I’m ok with the job, it’s not the best one, but I earn at least some money and not be burden for my parents. I’m not excited about the job, but I’m ok with it. But my health is getting worse. I’m trying to convince myself that it will get better that I will get used to all of that, getting up early, being with people all the time, with all their noise and emotions and all that. I’m sick and anxious every day. My hands shake, I get nauseous, light-headed, tired… it’s just… too much? And it’s scary, more than I say. Because what if I can’t work at a normal job, even if I more or less like it? I don’t want to depend on my parents. Or my husband. I want to work, why can’t I work?!

I’m scared. And angry. I didn’t choose to be like this. My bullies made me this way. They damaged me, broke me… Why do I have to pay for what they did? Why my life has to be so hard, when they are just ok? Why I have to fight for everything, when it’s not my fault that I’m like this?! It’s… scary. And exhausting. I want to work. I want to contribute to society, whatever that means. I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m damaged goods, I guess. I feel like it. I broke down today, I cried… three times? Then I took my anxiety pill. And now I’m trying to not think about it.

And it comes back, the thought asking “Why I can’t just be normal?”. Like other people, functioning adult. I…wish I was pregnant. Than my life would have direction and meaning. But my husband doesn’t want kids just yet. He wants kids, but the thought of me being pregnant right now scares him. And I thought he was the one who couldn’t wait to have a child. I’m afraid that when I get pregnant, his family will be all in our lives, controlling it and all that, they’re all so close…

What do I do? I tried to be normal, to fit in those stupid boxes, to have a normal job, work, be normal. But I’m not and what if I never am.

The Price of Sanity

I’ve made really not very pleasant discovery last week and that is what it costs to have long-term therapy.

I was seeing therapist for almost a year in my university town and it was great, it helped me a lot and the therapist was amazing. And it was covered by my insurance, which was also great help. Unfortunately, everything ends and so did my therapy, because in June I moved back to my home. So I went to see my psychiatrist here and asked for recommendation of new therapist, because the last one advised me to continue with the sessions. And I learned that I could get insurance payed one, but only short-term, which means about ten sessions and that’s it. If I want long term, I have to pay for it myself and it’s not small amount.

Personally, I think I could afford at least two sessions per month, that’s not the problem. I have the money, so I’m ok. But it got me thinking about the whole big picture. Imagine someone is having really bad depression and/or anxiety and it prevents them from having a regular job and supporting themselves. They are short of money and they are told that they get only ten sessions covered by insurance and if they want or need long-term therapy, they have to pay for it full. Which they can’t, because they can’t have a full-time job, so they don’t have the money to pay for the therapy that could help the get full-time job and get money and so on.

I guess other insurance companies might have better options, but honestly, I don’t believe it much. The one in my college town was probably only covered because it was in a support center for children and young adults. And I don’t know what is the solution, what is the way to get the help and support mentally ill people need. I just know it makes me sad and angry…

Trigger Me

I’ve been radio silent for some time, mostly because I’m trying to hide from everything. Well, from life. I graduated from university. I should be happy, I guess. But now comes the adult part and the reason I mostly hide.

Pretty often people ask me, if I have a job already or how does the job searching going. And I’m obliged to reply that I’m still unemployed. And I feel like an idiot, because the truth is, the whole thing is triggering my anxiety massively. Job searching consists of contacting strangers, meeting with strangers and ultimately going to job for several hours a day. Just the contacting scares me, but the prospect of meeting strangers terrifies me, because I hate meeting new people. I get nervous, don’t know what to say and that’s not the best for job interview, which basically consist of questions… And then the reality of having to go to work. I guess it doesn’t help that adults around me have been assuring me that I’ll never have enough time for anything anymore and I won’t have any money and so on. So it all has gone so far that actually just mentioning the job searching triggers pretty bad anxiety.

And recently I’ve been having vivid nightmares again, mostly about job and future, but also about children. About me being mother. It usually goes the way that I realized that I haven’t fed the baby for hours or days, I haven’t seen it, I realize I might have just killed it. Or that I held the baby in some bad way and I hurt it possibly for life. Last night I’ve dreamed about the neglect thing and also that I was in psychiatric ward after the birth and everybody was just looking at me like I’m piece of shit. And I wasn’t even able to feel something for the baby, like it wasn’t mine. And today almost every time I reload facebook, what do I see? My sister-in-law’s ultrasound of her baby, she posted it and now she and her husbands are replying to the congratulations. So it’s there, most of the day, triggering me over and over and over again.

Also the fact that it seems that everyone has their shit together and I’m just sitting here, wasting my life. No job, no money, just waste of space. And rapid mood swings. Seriously, it’s terrible, my mood is changing pretty rapidly, even my psychologist asked me about it several times, it changes sometimes few times a day. If I’m lucky, I have the same mood at least for one day. Also I think my anxiety is getting worse in general and that’s not good at all.

So mostly, I just pretend I’m not here and there is no future. No job, no strangers, no “you’ll never have time and money and never be happy”, no adult life.

I Guess I’m the Black Sheep

If you follow my posts even just a little bit, you can see a trail of one particular thing. I don’t feel very comfortable on family gatherings, more or boyfriend’s. They usually end up talking about everything that’s bad and it’s mentally exhausting for me and the anxiety I get from that isn’t really worth the effort of enduring it. Take today, for example.

My grandpa is turning 85 on Wednesday, so we went to visit him and grandma, congratulate him and spend some time with them. And my sister, father and mother managed to show their best ability, which is complaining. Especially my sister and my mother.

I asked my grandma for address of my aunt and cousin, because I want to send them wedding announcement, when we finish them. My grandma asked, if we’re going to send them soon, she was just curious. So my mother answered before me, that we’re surely wouldn’t be sending them so soon, because the wedding is in August. Yes, in August, when people plan vacations, and on Friday, workday that requires working people to take the day off for us. Logically, I want to let them soon, before most of them have the summer filled with various travels and won’t be able to come. But my mum was like I was nuts and went on how it’s so early and why do I want to send not the announcement to people I don’t expect to actually attend the wedding, why not send it later. Which totally makes sense, really… Bazinga, it doesn’t! There are so many things to do that I really don’t want to remember, who got the invitation in March and who should get it in summer or something. My mother finally shut up when I got pretty pissed and just said that I’m not going to complicate it by sending it in parts. Not that that was the end.

Somehow, they got to my mother’s favorite topic, which is how horrible our town is. I’m not gonna say it’s perfect, no place probably is, but she complains so often about this that I’m so fed up with it! And not only her, my dad is glad I have wedding in church, because he won’t have to have the mayor marry me. I don’t mind him saying this, except in the last several months, I’ve heard it so many times I’m really fed up with that too. My mum is expert in complaining, but she gets so pointlessly angry about this issue, that I just want to yell at her, that if she’s so angry with all this, that she should stop complaining and do something about it! She also always add how terrible our local post office is, that they’re incompetent and she has to wait there long time for the people to find her packages and so on. Surprisingly, I rarely have these problems, or perhaps I don’t notice them so much, but she’s angry about it every single time. I guess you really get what you expect, don’t you, mother?

Oh and the latest hit, the immigrant crisis in Europe, I can’t forget that! I’m sort of in the middle, I know there are people just trying to abuse the system, also perhaps terrorists and so on, but there are also people in real danger, running from war and ruined homes, who just want place to live and work in peace. But my sister and parents are so filled with media coverage of this issue, that they see terrorist on every corner. And they talk about it, a lot. Today, my sister tried to “convert” me with some stories her friend from England told her and when I wasn’t eager to join her, even dared to oppose he, she got more and more agitated, until I had to simply say that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I have a feeling that they think the world is ending or something. Doesn’t help that today my sister read the “sensational” news about England perhaps leaving the European Union…

At that point, I was tired with them and upset, so I just told that I’m tired with them talking disasters and complaining and decided to change the topic. I mean, it was my grandpa’s celebration and they couldn’t just keep their mouths shut! They seemed hurt that I interrupted their litanies, but at least I stopped them. It’s “funny” that my mother sometimes complains that I don’t spend enough time with them, that I talk to them and so on, but honestly, spending time with them is exhausting. I can’t have normal conversation with them! Well, I can with my dad, when we’re alone, which is rarely, but with my sister or my mother? Yeah, sure… It’s like walking in a maze, where you don’t know what to say, where to turn, so you wouldn’t step on some hidden trap and set the complains in motions. So I pretty much stopped trying to walk the maze at all.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend’s family is very similar in this aspect, which is why I try to leave their gatherings as soon as possible. It’s sad, because I’ve always wanted to belong to my family and when that failed, I was desperate to fit in my boyfriend’s family, but I’m so tired of trying. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable and anxious… My psychologist helped this a lot. We were working on my problem with the families a lot these past weeks, she was trying to tell me I can be myself, that I don’t have to desperately try to fit somewhere I simply cannot. She knows how my I’ve tried to suppress myself over the years, just to fit, just to be loved and good enough, but honestly, I have not energy left for trying. It also helped that when I discussed this is my facebook support group, I’ve realized how many people feel the same way I do. It’s hard, because my sister seems to fit just fine with my parents and my boyfriend’s family have pretty close bond, so for long long looooong time, I felt that there’s something wrong with me for not being able to fit in. I guess I’m ready to really be myself, I just hope it will last, because it hurts me so much to feel that I’m always standing out of every group, like I’m some dysfunctional human being.

Happy New Year And All That Sh*t

I think this Robot Hugs comics describes my life right now very well.

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Well, the only problem is that my stomach is having a bad time and I’m sick a lot, so no wine for me… Apart from that, too many things are changing and it’s scaring the sh*t out of me. Yesterday I broke down and cried for like half an hour, couldn’t sleep and now I’m tired and generally depressed. I should study, but even the thought of concentrating on that is exhausting, I want to cry, curl up in bed and disappear. When I say I’m terrified of future, it doesn’t come even close to the dread I feel. It’s like knowing that once I finish my studies, whole world will collapse into nothingness and only I see it and nobody believes me. I feel like I’m going closer and closer to this big black hollow that will swallow me whole. And yes, I know I should just think that everything will be good and I’ll make it and I need to grow thicker skin and all that. It’s terrifies me, because everyone seems to know what I should do, but nobody seems to stop and ask what I want to do, what I’d like to do, how would I imagine my future. Everyone just says that I should find a job of any kind, just to have one. Do I want to work in my field? I’m naive, almost nobody works in their field (then why did I even study, mum?). Do I want a job that I would like? I’m naive, almost nobody likes their job. Do I want a job where I would feel good mentally? I’m naive and should grow thicker skin and don’t be so oversensitive.

Guess I’m just totally useless and naive and oversensitive. I just want to scream “shut the f*ck up and leave me alone”! Unless you’re willing to listen to me, just be quiet, I know all your well-meant advice better than you, so just…don’t. Everything in my life is supposed to change next few months, I hate changes and I’m just supposed to be good with it. Thanks, but that’s not how I work. Mostly, I would just love, if someone would just listen… My therapist does and I love her for that, it’s great that at least she doesn’t think I’m impossible spoiled loser or something like that. If someone could just listen, now I feel exhausted, because I need to pretend how happy I am about everything. I’m depressed and nothing makes sense, like why even bother about anything, just hopelessness and sadness and emptiness… and so anxious my skin feels weird, like it doesn’t fit and I need to tear it off, so I’m restless, because I don’t want to self-hurt, but the feeling is driving me crazy, literally.

And with this, I’m supposed to study for finals, celebrate my birthday (yay for me…no), find a job, move back to home-town, redo the flat my bf and I are moving in, then move in, get married and just be this super responsible adult capable of completely changing the entirely life without even a little stress. Yeah, right…

Pain and Confused Thoughts

So I thought yesterday that sleep would help with the anxiety, but the truth is…not really. I woke up pretty messed up, tired, because I didn’t sleep half the night, my brain just wouldn’t shut up and my heartbeat was even worse than yesterday. Preparing breakfast was heroic task, my heart was racing and I had trouble catching breath. I really wanted to go back to bed, because f**k this, if I want frantic heartbeat, I’d go jogging!

But I did go out anyway, I need to, and I made it, I’m so good… Although honestly, even puttin on make-up was like running for my life. I’m just glad the fresh air helped a bit and I was able to do what I wanted to, mostly. Yeah, I just felt weak and sick, but whatever… It’s not like I need energy anyway, that’s overrated.

Mostly, I’m not sure what I feel. At leadt right now. I was tired and stressed. And inadequate… My sister arrived today, happy to tell me how she’s losing weight, she spent the evening talking with my parents, so I just wanted to hide. I have alcohol for that at least, I guess finally I could sleep tonight.

I’ve planned exercise for almost month now, but my body and brain doesn’t really work together. I thought when I’d finish my diploma thesis, but then I got anxious, depressed and pretty much just weird and damaged. I slept half December and the second half I feel like I’m running even when I’m just listening to music. I vomitted most of last week, yeah, great to know, I guess :-). It’s just fun, when after pretty much every meal my stomach decided that “nope” and I was sick, I spent the week on cola, very healthy I know.

I want to exercise and I want to love my body, but it’s hard, when your brain makes you sick and then makes you feel bad for being sick, week and tired… I’ll have wedding in August and feel like complete disgusting s**t and ruin everything.

I’m inadequate, I’ve always been. I wish to have good relationship with my mum, but she’s so unpredictable it’s safer to hide. I want to talk to my dad, but when I have a chance, I don’t know what to say. My sister just comes home and can do both. And I sit in my (half-)room feeling sorry for myself and I wish everyone would leave me alone. Because I’m this great person that doesn’t fit anywhere. And I can’t say anything, I wish to just come home, talk about stuff and belong, but I don’t. I don’t belong anywhere ad being home just makes me really tired and stressed, because I lack the ability the just be and communicate. I’m tired because of my anxiety, sleep is a problem, but explaining this to my mother? I wish…

I wish…to just belong. That’s what I have always wanted. To belong and to be accepted just the way I am. But right now, I just feel alone, scared and confused. Why can my sister belong to my family and I sit here being confused, because my family relationships are fu**ed up and I have no idea what to do.  Like…I invite them to my wedding and they kill each other or something like that. Or my mum refuses to go, because I don’t follow what she wants me to do.

I’m just going to end this, as my sister feels I’m keeping her awake, doesn’t matter that she does the same to me often, right… I just wish I could see a simple way out of this.