Trigger Me

I’ve been radio silent for some time, mostly because I’m trying to hide from everything. Well, from life. I graduated from university. I should be happy, I guess. But now comes the adult part and the reason I mostly hide.

Pretty often people ask me, if I have a job already or how does the job searching going. And I’m obliged to reply that I’m still unemployed. And I feel like an idiot, because the truth is, the whole thing is triggering my anxiety massively. Job searching consists of contacting strangers, meeting with strangers and ultimately going to job for several hours a day. Just the contacting scares me, but the prospect of meeting strangers terrifies me, because I hate meeting new people. I get nervous, don’t know what to say and that’s not the best for job interview, which basically consist of questions… And then the reality of having to go to work. I guess it doesn’t help that adults around me have been assuring me that I’ll never have enough time for anything anymore and I won’t have any money and so on. So it all has gone so far that actually just mentioning the job searching triggers pretty bad anxiety.

And recently I’ve been having vivid nightmares again, mostly about job and future, but also about children. About me being mother. It usually goes the way that I realized that I haven’t fed the baby for hours or days, I haven’t seen it, I realize I might have just killed it. Or that I held the baby in some bad way and I hurt it possibly for life. Last night I’ve dreamed about the neglect thing and also that I was in psychiatric ward after the birth and everybody was just looking at me like I’m piece of shit. And I wasn’t even able to feel something for the baby, like it wasn’t mine. And today almost every time I reload facebook, what do I see? My sister-in-law’s ultrasound of her baby, she posted it and now she and her husbands are replying to the congratulations. So it’s there, most of the day, triggering me over and over and over again.

Also the fact that it seems that everyone has their shit together and I’m just sitting here, wasting my life. No job, no money, just waste of space. And rapid mood swings. Seriously, it’s terrible, my mood is changing pretty rapidly, even my psychologist asked me about it several times, it changes sometimes few times a day. If I’m lucky, I have the same mood at least for one day. Also I think my anxiety is getting worse in general and that’s not good at all.

So mostly, I just pretend I’m not here and there is no future. No job, no strangers, no “you’ll never have time and money and never be happy”, no adult life.

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I Guess I’m the Black Sheep

If you follow my posts even just a little bit, you can see a trail of one particular thing. I don’t feel very comfortable on family gatherings, more or boyfriend’s. They usually end up talking about everything that’s bad and it’s mentally exhausting for me and the anxiety I get from that isn’t really worth the effort of enduring it. Take today, for example.

My grandpa is turning 85 on Wednesday, so we went to visit him and grandma, congratulate him and spend some time with them. And my sister, father and mother managed to show their best ability, which is complaining. Especially my sister and my mother.

I asked my grandma for address of my aunt and cousin, because I want to send them wedding announcement, when we finish them. My grandma asked, if we’re going to send them soon, she was just curious. So my mother answered before me, that we’re surely wouldn’t be sending them so soon, because the wedding is in August. Yes, in August, when people plan vacations, and on Friday, workday that requires working people to take the day off for us. Logically, I want to let them soon, before most of them have the summer filled with various travels and won’t be able to come. But my mum was like I was nuts and went on how it’s so early and why do I want to send not the announcement to people I don’t expect to actually attend the wedding, why not send it later. Which totally makes sense, really… Bazinga, it doesn’t! There are so many things to do that I really don’t want to remember, who got the invitation in March and who should get it in summer or something. My mother finally shut up when I got pretty pissed and just said that I’m not going to complicate it by sending it in parts. Not that that was the end.

Somehow, they got to my mother’s favorite topic, which is how horrible our town is. I’m not gonna say it’s perfect, no place probably is, but she complains so often about this that I’m so fed up with it! And not only her, my dad is glad I have wedding in church, because he won’t have to have the mayor marry me. I don’t mind him saying this, except in the last several months, I’ve heard it so many times I’m really fed up with that too. My mum is expert in complaining, but she gets so pointlessly angry about this issue, that I just want to yell at her, that if she’s so angry with all this, that she should stop complaining and do something about it! She also always add how terrible our local post office is, that they’re incompetent and she has to wait there long time for the people to find her packages and so on. Surprisingly, I rarely have these problems, or perhaps I don’t notice them so much, but she’s angry about it every single time. I guess you really get what you expect, don’t you, mother?

Oh and the latest hit, the immigrant crisis in Europe, I can’t forget that! I’m sort of in the middle, I know there are people just trying to abuse the system, also perhaps terrorists and so on, but there are also people in real danger, running from war and ruined homes, who just want place to live and work in peace. But my sister and parents are so filled with media coverage of this issue, that they see terrorist on every corner. And they talk about it, a lot. Today, my sister tried to “convert” me with some stories her friend from England told her and when I wasn’t eager to join her, even dared to oppose he, she got more and more agitated, until I had to simply say that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I have a feeling that they think the world is ending or something. Doesn’t help that today my sister read the “sensational” news about England perhaps leaving the European Union…

At that point, I was tired with them and upset, so I just told that I’m tired with them talking disasters and complaining and decided to change the topic. I mean, it was my grandpa’s celebration and they couldn’t just keep their mouths shut! They seemed hurt that I interrupted their litanies, but at least I stopped them. It’s “funny” that my mother sometimes complains that I don’t spend enough time with them, that I talk to them and so on, but honestly, spending time with them is exhausting. I can’t have normal conversation with them! Well, I can with my dad, when we’re alone, which is rarely, but with my sister or my mother? Yeah, sure… It’s like walking in a maze, where you don’t know what to say, where to turn, so you wouldn’t step on some hidden trap and set the complains in motions. So I pretty much stopped trying to walk the maze at all.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend’s family is very similar in this aspect, which is why I try to leave their gatherings as soon as possible. It’s sad, because I’ve always wanted to belong to my family and when that failed, I was desperate to fit in my boyfriend’s family, but I’m so tired of trying. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable and anxious… My psychologist helped this a lot. We were working on my problem with the families a lot these past weeks, she was trying to tell me I can be myself, that I don’t have to desperately try to fit somewhere I simply cannot. She knows how my I’ve tried to suppress myself over the years, just to fit, just to be loved and good enough, but honestly, I have not energy left for trying. It also helped that when I discussed this is my facebook support group, I’ve realized how many people feel the same way I do. It’s hard, because my sister seems to fit just fine with my parents and my boyfriend’s family have pretty close bond, so for long long looooong time, I felt that there’s something wrong with me for not being able to fit in. I guess I’m ready to really be myself, I just hope it will last, because it hurts me so much to feel that I’m always standing out of every group, like I’m some dysfunctional human being.

Bipolar Disorder In One Simple Graphic

The graphic is borrowed from the post Be a Teacher, Not a Scapegoat published on the blog MentalTruths.

I haven’t published any new info about mental disorders for some time on this blog, mostly because I really don’t have much time now. I do share some stuff on my facebook page pretty often, interesting things I find on pages I follow, if you want to check it out.

Anyway, this post is about a disorder I don’t experience personally and that is bipolar disorder. It belongs to the same category as depression and anxiety, that is mood disorders. As you can guess from the name, those are the ones affecting person’s mood. This is obviously simplified info, but it’s great start, if you want to educate yourself about this particular disorder.

 

20120327 Bipolar Disorder A

Happy New Year And All That Sh*t

I think this Robot Hugs comics describes my life right now very well.

2016-01-07-start

Well, the only problem is that my stomach is having a bad time and I’m sick a lot, so no wine for me… Apart from that, too many things are changing and it’s scaring the sh*t out of me. Yesterday I broke down and cried for like half an hour, couldn’t sleep and now I’m tired and generally depressed. I should study, but even the thought of concentrating on that is exhausting, I want to cry, curl up in bed and disappear. When I say I’m terrified of future, it doesn’t come even close to the dread I feel. It’s like knowing that once I finish my studies, whole world will collapse into nothingness and only I see it and nobody believes me. I feel like I’m going closer and closer to this big black hollow that will swallow me whole. And yes, I know I should just think that everything will be good and I’ll make it and I need to grow thicker skin and all that. It’s terrifies me, because everyone seems to know what I should do, but nobody seems to stop and ask what I want to do, what I’d like to do, how would I imagine my future. Everyone just says that I should find a job of any kind, just to have one. Do I want to work in my field? I’m naive, almost nobody works in their field (then why did I even study, mum?). Do I want a job that I would like? I’m naive, almost nobody likes their job. Do I want a job where I would feel good mentally? I’m naive and should grow thicker skin and don’t be so oversensitive.

Guess I’m just totally useless and naive and oversensitive. I just want to scream “shut the f*ck up and leave me alone”! Unless you’re willing to listen to me, just be quiet, I know all your well-meant advice better than you, so just…don’t. Everything in my life is supposed to change next few months, I hate changes and I’m just supposed to be good with it. Thanks, but that’s not how I work. Mostly, I would just love, if someone would just listen… My therapist does and I love her for that, it’s great that at least she doesn’t think I’m impossible spoiled loser or something like that. If someone could just listen, now I feel exhausted, because I need to pretend how happy I am about everything. I’m depressed and nothing makes sense, like why even bother about anything, just hopelessness and sadness and emptiness… and so anxious my skin feels weird, like it doesn’t fit and I need to tear it off, so I’m restless, because I don’t want to self-hurt, but the feeling is driving me crazy, literally.

And with this, I’m supposed to study for finals, celebrate my birthday (yay for me…no), find a job, move back to home-town, redo the flat my bf and I are moving in, then move in, get married and just be this super responsible adult capable of completely changing the entirely life without even a little stress. Yeah, right…

No, I Don’t Think Rape Jokes Are Funny

Trigger warning: rape, rape jokes

What to do, when someone in your presence tell rape joke? That is a question I have never wanted to know the answer for, but unfortunately, I’ve learned it recently. And I’ve also learned the price for speaking up…

I spent the New Year’s Eve at my boyfriend’s house, which means some of his relatives are over, his sister and her husband, I’m usually bit anxious there, not that they are bad people, I just have so little in common with them and lot of their conversation topics make me uncomfortable… And suddenly, my almost father-in-la told a rape joke. Not really explicit or something, but the meaning was clear. Everyone except me and my boyfriend laughed and I said I don’t think it’s really good talking about “sex” with unconscious person, that it’s not funny. My boyfriend’s uncle reacts “yeah, but that’s why it’s just a joke” and everyone was looking at me like I’m a total buzzkill, my father-in-law looked like I totally hurt his feelings, because I dared to say something and all in all, in that moment it felt that I clearly don’t belong there…

I’m not very proud to say that I just went upstairs and spent rest of my evening there and that I cried, because I really really want to fit there, if I can’t fit into my own family, but I guess that’s just my wishful thinking. It’s not easy for me to speak up when I know people around me have really different opinions, because I hate opening myself to possibly getting hurt, so when I did that and I got hurt, it felt really bad.

My point, however, is that rape jokes aren’t funny. And it’s not funny to “have sex” with unconscious person. I use quotation marks, because how can we call it sex, if one person has no idea what’s going on… When you joke about such things, you make it sound that it’s ok to do it, when it’s not. I was only glad that my boyfriend’s younger brother wasn’t there. He’s just in puberty and what would this teach him about women and the ways he can treat them. One of my friends was rapes few years ago and it wasn’t fun. It wasn’t fun at the moment and it wasn’t fun for her to recover. It wasn’t joke for her…

Also, when you joke about raping someone unconscious, you’re also saying that it was their fault, they were “asking for it”. That’s called victim blaming and it’s total bullshit. When someone chooses to rape someone, who is passed out, it’s the decision of the rapist, they’re the one who decided to do it, it’s not the victim! You can say “but they shouldn’t been drunk” and so on, but the last decision, the decision to act, is always on the side of the rapist, never the victim.

And if you want to know more about why rape jokes aren’t funny, watch this short video by amazing Justin Dennis and let her explain it to you:

Pain and Confused Thoughts

So I thought yesterday that sleep would help with the anxiety, but the truth is…not really. I woke up pretty messed up, tired, because I didn’t sleep half the night, my brain just wouldn’t shut up and my heartbeat was even worse than yesterday. Preparing breakfast was heroic task, my heart was racing and I had trouble catching breath. I really wanted to go back to bed, because f**k this, if I want frantic heartbeat, I’d go jogging!

But I did go out anyway, I need to, and I made it, I’m so good… Although honestly, even puttin on make-up was like running for my life. I’m just glad the fresh air helped a bit and I was able to do what I wanted to, mostly. Yeah, I just felt weak and sick, but whatever… It’s not like I need energy anyway, that’s overrated.

Mostly, I’m not sure what I feel. At leadt right now. I was tired and stressed. And inadequate… My sister arrived today, happy to tell me how she’s losing weight, she spent the evening talking with my parents, so I just wanted to hide. I have alcohol for that at least, I guess finally I could sleep tonight.

I’ve planned exercise for almost month now, but my body and brain doesn’t really work together. I thought when I’d finish my diploma thesis, but then I got anxious, depressed and pretty much just weird and damaged. I slept half December and the second half I feel like I’m running even when I’m just listening to music. I vomitted most of last week, yeah, great to know, I guess :-). It’s just fun, when after pretty much every meal my stomach decided that “nope” and I was sick, I spent the week on cola, very healthy I know.

I want to exercise and I want to love my body, but it’s hard, when your brain makes you sick and then makes you feel bad for being sick, week and tired… I’ll have wedding in August and feel like complete disgusting s**t and ruin everything.

I’m inadequate, I’ve always been. I wish to have good relationship with my mum, but she’s so unpredictable it’s safer to hide. I want to talk to my dad, but when I have a chance, I don’t know what to say. My sister just comes home and can do both. And I sit in my (half-)room feeling sorry for myself and I wish everyone would leave me alone. Because I’m this great person that doesn’t fit anywhere. And I can’t say anything, I wish to just come home, talk about stuff and belong, but I don’t. I don’t belong anywhere ad being home just makes me really tired and stressed, because I lack the ability the just be and communicate. I’m tired because of my anxiety, sleep is a problem, but explaining this to my mother? I wish…

I wish…to just belong. That’s what I have always wanted. To belong and to be accepted just the way I am. But right now, I just feel alone, scared and confused. Why can my sister belong to my family and I sit here being confused, because my family relationships are fu**ed up and I have no idea what to do.  Like…I invite them to my wedding and they kill each other or something like that. Or my mum refuses to go, because I don’t follow what she wants me to do.

I’m just going to end this, as my sister feels I’m keeping her awake, doesn’t matter that she does the same to me often, right… I just wish I could see a simple way out of this.