And Then the World Crumbles

When just going through the day is giving me anxiety, what am I supposed to do? Just hide? And what if that’s not the option?

I used to read newspaper a lot. Every Friday my dad bought it, because there was a TV program and I read it all, because I felt it was my “duty” to be informed about what’s going on. Back then, I didn’t realize, what it was all about. I was stupid and didn’t see that all this news in TV and papers was just concentrated extract of what is wrong with the world. And I didn’t see the damage it did. I felt that the whole world is falling apart, people hate each other and most of all, I wasn’t sure I want to live in such a world, in a place filled with pain, hatred and dishonesty. It contributed a whole lot to my suicidal thoughts I had at the time when I was fifteen, because it triggered me badly.

Eventually, I stopped following the news, I stopped reading it online, stopped watching TV, stopped reading it. I figured I don’t need to know everything and when there is something big, Facebook would tell me sooner or later. I did it to protect myself and my well-being. I don’t want to know. Having lunch/dinner and then watch news is like pushing a finger down my throat and throw up. Is it maybe short-sighted? Perhaps it is. Is it necessary? Absolutely. I got many times the “how are you staying informed” look. Just last weekend my sister told me that there is a coup in Turkey, just before I went to sleep. I asked her, why was she telling me that, she didn’t know. Great, thanks for triggering me for now reason…

The reason I’ writing all this is that in recent events happening around the world, I’m basically in the state of never-ending anxiety and depression. Killing, shooting and all that, I just want to hide. It’s like with every new thing part of me dies. My faith in this world dissolves and I’m slowly dying, because I just can’t stand the pain. These last weeks were terrible and I guess more is coming. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard, when people panic, saying the world as we know it is going to end and we’re heading into disaster and that’s just what my brain loves and my soul hates…

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