Don’t Look In the Future…Or Look Too Much

I guess these days I mostly live in a denial, I refuse to look to future, I refuse to talk about it, refuse to think about it. I do talk, when asked, otherwise… I don’t, I can’t, because when I can’t stop and my heads starts spinning from fear.

I have to finish my diploma thesis in two months, I haven’t written much so far, because I was working all summer and didn’t have time. I’m so stressed that I have problems concentrating, I have anxiety attacks pretty much every day and the rest of the time I’m depressed, tired, feeling like it doesn’t matter anyway and remembering everyday chores and responsibilities is getting more and more difficult. I would sleep pretty much all the time, which doesn’t help either. All the time I think I need to work, faster and faster, to finish it in time and it scares me even more. Several times this last week I felt very close to breakdown, like I can’t take the pressure anymore, I don’t care what happens and I just want to sleep and let the rest of the world be. And I worry it will get worse, last time I was finishing school I was cutting severely, I was absolutelly down and I have no idea how I actually managed to do it, because I was in a mist, exhausted, empty, just going through the motion hoping I would make it somehow. Now the pressure is here again, hightened by the fact that I pay for every semester quite a lot of money now. Well, my parents do, which is why the pressure is even worse, I can’t disappoint them and I can’t make them pay one more semester because I’m not able to finish in time.

After finishing the school I have to move back to my home-town… I haven’t lived there for five years, it’s much smaller city than the one I live in now, I don’t have many friends there, not many job opportunities for me… Me and my boyfriend decided to move back there, because it was the practical decision. Well, for me anyway. We can live in the flat his parents own, which would mean saving money on the rent, our families are there to help and all, but I’m still not sure I want it. Or to be precise, I do want it and I don’t. Moving back after several years to smaller town scares me. I like the city, but I also like the one where I’m now. I like that in the big city I have lived for several years, everything is near. And opened till late hours, plenty of shops to choose from when I need something. And my friends are here, or at least most of the ones I have left now. My home-town is… quiet in comparison. And I’m so used to the current place that moving back is scary, everything will change, my life, I won’t be a student, I will be an adult and I’m not sure I know how to be an adult. From what I see, it means lot of stress, unhappiness, exhaustion, worries and not much of anything else. And just thinking about it I feel the rush of anxiety coming in… It doesn’t help much that at some point I’ll have to tell my parents that I won’t live with them before me and my boyfriend move in together. I just can’t, I love them, but I seriously can’t imagine living back at home for several months before he finishes his studies, even few days can be too much sometimes. And also… at times I feel like I wasn’t given a chance to really decide where I want to live, moving back was practical and smart and important for my partner, so I just went with it. And I know it’s good and I’ll probably like it, but at times I feel that my life is not in my hands, that I live in cage where I have to do what’s right, what’s expected of me, what’s appropriate without any room for me to do what I want. And I guess most of my dislike for moving back comes from this feeling, it was the right thing, the smart thing, the thing that everyone expected us to do, the thing I knew my partner wanted and I couldn’t face the pressure I felt.

And I’m getting married next summer, we need to plan it and I’m terrified I’ll somehow screw it up. I’ll be too anxious, too depressed, as fat as I am and looking terrible and disgusting in my dress, my family will have an argument… Or my mum will talk too much to the preparations that I will just give up arguing with her and she’ll make me feel terrible and selfish… She has already said that she should have a voice in any decisions, sice they’ll pay for it. And that If I invited her brother, she wouldn’t come. And she is master of making me feel guilty and ungrateful, although to be fair, my oversized sense of guilt helps her a lot.

And job… what if I don’t find any or am not able to stay in it. So far I got depressed and crushed in any job I’ve had. According to my parents, I’m too demanding, because I actually want a job that gives me some meaning, because I want to be happy and satisfied with what I do. I can work for myself, but that takes time and I don’t want my partner to take care of me while I’m finding myself or something. I don’t want to be his burden.

And then children… pills and pregnancy? Nothing better than withdrawal, depressions together with general hormonal storm of expecting a baby.

And what if we won’t have money, what if we screw up our relationship, what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what ifwhat if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhat ifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatif………

And just like that my head starts spinning, the fears I keep at bay most of the time just come from everywhere, screaming, making me want to curl up, hide or just disappear, because what is the point of stressful unhappy life. And doesn’t matter that it’s ridiculous and unrealistic and overreacting, that only makes me feel worse, like I’m just a weak coward that cannot just live life like everybody else, because other people are obviousy able to live without problems… The worst part it keeping the fears at bay, ignoring them, because once I let them in, I break. And I can’t afford that, I need to keep going, keep moving, because I have to finish my thesis in time and…here we go again, it’s like a hamster in a wheel…

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5 thoughts on “Don’t Look In the Future…Or Look Too Much

  1. Oh dearest Isirian! Take a deep breath…I’ve been on that road, my senior year of college and yes, that’s when I went completely off the edge and committed my crime…I think it’s important that you try not to be so hard on yourself…marriage? have you thought that perhaps the marriage and college thing coming around the same time could be TOO much stress? Why get married now? Do you want a plan B for back-up should you be unable to find a job after college? Is that the rush? I personally would put the romance on hold and if your partner does truly love you, then he/she will be more than happy to wait. I understand the pressures. And honey, you ARE “normal” for feeling the what if? wheel…everybody has problems, some are just better at hiding them than others…some like us, may have a mental issue to deal with, others may have drug/alcohol abuse, still others may feel suicidal, others may be feeling lonely for they haven’t got a partner, others fear they won’t have food or a place to sleep tonight…so you see, you ARE human and it’s perfectly okay to get wound up occasionally with the anxiety…just try to set forth a list of clear priorities and up at the top needs to be #1-your mental health. I don’t know. Am I making any sense? Anyways, I will keep you in my heart and prayers tonight….much love, LaVancia

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    • Thank you so much, LaVancia! You are making sense, the sense I know is right, just when the wheel starts, it’s hard to even breath, let alone think straight… But I guess you know that. Getting married is actually the brightest thing in the whole next year, it’s something I’m looking forward too very much, it’s just that my mum makes everything about herself and I’m stressed that she will talk to much into everything and I won’t be strong enough to stand my ground, because she can be really mean when things don’t go her way… I absolutelly love the thought that I will be married this time next year, with my man, living together, being family and planning family, it’s comforting. Just all the things in the middle are scary. My plan B for job is to work for myself, I want to create things, jewellery, clothes, shoes, be a photographer and so many other things, it’s just that it takes time and I don’t want to be the burden just taking money and not making any… I guess I’ll talk to my thesis supervisor, if there is some way to possible postpone the deadline for the thesis, I have a status of student with special needs because of my mental issues, so there might be a way and it might calm me down a bit, otherwise I just want to run away and don’t finish the school because of the pressure…

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      • I know here in the US people with mental illnesses who attend college can get hooked up with a I want to say job coach? not sure of the right terminology; however, I know that people with mental illness can be given longer amounts of time to finish their tests and papers…they can even do it at the high school level if the teenager is a special needs or emotionally disruptive child. Glad to know that marriage is going to be happy for you! It can certainly be especially if you find someone who can stand by you through all life’s struggles…best wishes, LaVancia

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  2. Dear Isirian, don´t get me wrong – I know what depression and anxiety is and I know how useless are “advice” from people who never experienced it but tell you, that you should just go for run and you will be OK (etc.). But as I read your diary I have really strong urge to shake with you to wake you up. I know, depression and anxiety are difficult to figh with, but have you even tried? What you present here is just moaning and accepting your illness. Have you tried any techniques to calm yourself down, to get control of yourself? (pills, cutting yourself and alcohol don´t count ;-)) This http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/natural-treatments is just random page about things that can help I found – there are plenty of them.
    It’s not your fault that you are one of the people who have depression. It’s good that you acknowledged it, that you are aware of your problems and that you can name them. What is not okay is, that you just accepted it and feel sorry for yourself. And blame people around you for not tiptoeing around you.
    You feel trapped in cirkle of questions – don´t get trapped, take a paper and pen, write your worries down and think, what you could do about them. One after another. Your mum wants to have her say in your wedding? Sit with her and ask her how you want the wedding to be and ask her what does she have problem with. Maybe you’ll see that there is no problem. Or maybe there are plenty of them and there is no way it would be accaptable for you. Well – ever thought of paying for the wedding yourself? Should be no problem with no rent to pay. Oh wait – that’s the other huuuuge problem, isn’t it? Well, nothing’s for free, is it? Is it better for you not to pay rent and have more money (meaning also bigger freedom when choosing a job – another problem solved ;-)), but you also should be aware of the cons coming with that (have to move to place you don’t want to live in and you should also be prepared, that your parents might not want money from you, but maybe will feel that they are free to talk to your life, when they pay for it). Or is it more acceptable for you to find your own flat in a city you choose, but pay for it? The pro is independence coming with it – you don’t have to feel grateful or guilty for your decisions and have the full right to say no, when someone wants to control your life (or choose a distance comfortable for you from those you have difficulties with). I really recommend to try it. Maybe you will not be that free in choosing your job then, but you might find some respect for yourself, because you’ll have the reason to (and others too).
    (I assume that you never experienced independence as you write that you are student and your parents still support you – sorry if I got it wrong).
    Anyway – everybody has problems, only few people have smooth path through theire lifes. The others have to accept that in their lifes are things that they don’t like and can’t change – if they don’t want to do changes somewhere else as well. In other words, everybody has to do compromises. Accept that and you’ll breathe easier. And you should also remember, that things change. Maybe you want find the right job immediatelly after school, but if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t mean that you will not find it later – just try to make the most of the possible things and don’t concentrate on (at the moment) impossible 😉
    Best, Jess

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    • Hi Jess,
      thank you for your opinion and that you took time to write such a long comment. Not that I need to justify myself to you, but I do try and try hard, if I haven’t, I wouldn’t eve alive today. I go therapy, do yoga and meditate, it helps me to relax. As for the other problems, what you wrote are good points and I had considered them many many times, even before this post, and I got really overwhelmed with all that and not knowing what to do, that’s why I needed to get it out and wrote this post :-). This blog is primarily my therapy place to clear my head, which is why I write here mostly when I’m upset or anxious or depressed or anything and I guess it can come across as whining at times. Well, it is and it isn’t, life isn’t black and white, and while your points are valuable, they are not easily put in action in my life.
      Anyway, thank you for your input :-).

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