Just Another Cloudy Day

I wanted to write about the moment my world shattered. But I can’t, it’s a too much. I just feel like I need to do something, before there’s time to go to work. I hope I’ll forget my problems there, but I doubt it, it’s not a good place.

I knew there was a reason I didn’t trust this person, they didn’t seem right, but I was told again and again, that I’m overreacting and that I should be nice. So I tried. I tried really hard to be friends with them, but I couldn’t. I gave it time and energy, but it didn’t work out. I respected that they are a friend of my boyfriend and even though I didn’t trust them, I tried to trust him. I tried to be ok with the fact, that he pays more attention to them than to me. I tried to respect his wishes. But I knew something wasn’t right, I knew they were two-faced. Pretending to like me, while standing between me and my boyfriend. And apparently, he’s ok with it.

I felt weird in our relationship recently, something wasn’t right. So I did something despicable, I “hacked” his facebook account and read his conversation with this person. It broke my heart, but at least I know I was right that something wasn’t right. I knew I screwed up a lot of things these past months. I disappointed and hurt my boyfriend many times and I feel awful. I didn’t feel good, which influenced our relationship and our sex life. I’m ashamed of that, but he didn’t have to go and complain to this person and joke if he’s going to have sex that night. I have vivid nightmares sometimes and when I woke up, I feel really awful. But I don’t need him to say that because I had a dream that he cheated on me, he’s in for a rough day. It’s not ok to joke about your future together with another person, when you’re engaged. It’s not ok to pay more attention to someone else, when your girlfriend is right there next to you. It’s not ok to let someone tell you how bad I’m, because I hurt you and because you’re the one always making compromises. It’s not ok to talk about me behind my back like this.

I don’t know what to think right now. What to do. I’ve had enough of being this bad person for my whole life. Being the person everyone can just do whatever they want with, because I’m not worth anything more. I know I shouldn’t have read it. And I know that lot of thins my boyfriend complained about were true. I just wish he had come to me with those problems. I know I’m not easy to argue with. I have difficulty dealing with various emotions. I had been taught to hide my feelings and that most of things is my fault, so I do overreact at times, especially when my very strong feeling of guilt kicks in. But is it a reason to go behind my back and complain how bad I am, especially to a person who openly says they don’t like me? It’s not ok to say many other things that he said. And all that person did, not surprisingly, was saying how terrible I am, that my boyfriend is always the one making compromises and that I always find something else to be angry with him etc.

Is it my fault? Am I not trying hard enough? I wish to be the best girlfriend, I’m not, but I’m trying to be. I’m working on my issues, it’s not easy, but I’m trying to. But it seems like once again, it’s not enough. I don’t know, if I ever will be enough, good enough, worth enough. Am I really that bad? I don’t know anymore. I thought we were happy, having problems, yes, but happy, working on things, talking to each other and planning future. now I’m not sure I even know my boyfriend anymore. Is he really that unhappy with me? He always says how he loves me and that without me, he would never be where he is now, but is it even true? Or is it just what he thinks I want to hear. Bitterly I remember, how my psychologist praised our relationship, when I talked about it. That we are open to each other and that obviously my partner takes me just as I am. But does he really? Or does he stay with me, because he thinks he couldn’t be able to find anyone else? Is it my fault? May be i’m not trying hard enough to get better with my disorder. Or may be happened what I was so afraid of, he realized how difficult life with me is and that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Do I want to be with him? I think so, he messed up a lot, but so did I. I just don’t know, if we have enough time to fix things. It feels like my worlds is crumbling around me, with hurtful words and fear. I’m not perfect and I know I’m not easy to be with. May be I’m just this person that always drives people away. Although I’m not surprised that he was so distant lately. How could he want to communicate with me, when all he heard from this person was how bad I am and that they should be together. Thank you, person, for trying to destroy things. But how could he not see that? How was I always the bad person and he was always on their side, when all they did was trying to separate us. I have always tried at least to understand them, not that they ever tried that… I just need to scream to this person to stay out of my life and keep their mounth and hands off my boyfriend. I’m sick of people talking about me behing my back. I’ve had enough of that crap most of my life. I try to be good and understanding person, but obviously, all I get in return is being stabbed in my back.

Where do we go from here? I’ll go to work and watch the world move on, while I will be dying inside. And trying not to fall asleep, as I’ve slept only about two hours. I’ll be counting hours to go home and wait for judgement. For answers. I’m terrified and I just want to run, but I can’t. I need to go and pretend that everything’s ok, even though I’m scared that I somehow screwed up the only thing that was really important to me. I guess I’m always this person, the not good enough, not trying hard enough, the person always pushing people away. I’ve been afraid that one day he will realize how bad I am and he’ll leave. May be the day just came.

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