Will it always be like this? I stop seeing someone and somehow any feelings we had for each other just vanish into the air? I’m not sure how many times I can survive this, I feel shredded inside. I always just wanted to belong, to be loved and accepted, but for some reason, every time I thought I had it, I woke up to realize that it was just a dream.
It’s not that I don’t have friends, I have, it’s just… I always wished for a group of people to go out, have fun, spend time and just be a part of something. I kind of lost my best friend, because our ways separated. K., I know you will probably read this and I just want to say that I don’t blame you, even if it sounds like it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss our talks and laughs about anything and everything, talking about boys, life, problems, supporting each other. I miss it, terribly, and the gap between now is painful. But I don’t blame you or me, I guess that’s just life works… You grow up and lose things dear to you. Or may be I should have tried harder to keep in touch.
I remember I had a group of friends at high school, we went to movies, had parties, but it didn’t work out in the end. Problems emerged, my depressions got worse at the time and they ended up psychologically bullying me. Later, they blamed me, because I was depressed and for that obviously not deserving to be believed. Yeah, my so called friends told my parents about suicidal thoughts I had had year before and used it against me, that it was actually my own fault, the way they behaved, and also that I shouldn’t be believed, because I’m not normal. I guess that’s when I stopped trusting other people, it took me months to persuade my mum that I’m ok. It wasn’t truth, but seeing her so shocked and hurt, I just couldn’t tell her. Unfortunatelly this also prevented me from telling them the truth sooner then last year, I was afraid to hurt them again. And I learned an important lesson about people. When you open up, you get stabbed in the back. Funny that I was good enough for those people to help them with their problems, but when I needed help, they kicked me out of the group. I sometimes wonder, what would happen, if they supported and helped me instead. How different I would be…
I thought university would be different, because that’s were you form your friendships for life, right? Well, yes and no. I made new friendships, but most of them ended, when we graduated. I got together with some classmates pretty early the first year at university and it was great. We went to pubs, talked about school and everything, I thought that this was it, these people were the ones, my group to belong to. It worked pretty great, I guess. Although before graduation, I sometimes felt like a third wheel again, but I thought that I was just stressed out and imagining things. But after getting our bachelor’s degree, they mostly continued in the same program for master’s, but I went to study something else. I’m still in the same town, at the same school and faculty, but since then, they never invited me anywhere. And I know they do things, because I still have them on facebook and I see the photos. Do I blame them? I guess not. Does it hurt anyway? Yes, it does, a lot.
Is this how world works? You stop spending almost every day with someone and the relationship just fades away? Or is it my fault? Am I this weird person, that nobody wants to be around? It cannot be that we just forget people we used to care about, right? It must be my fault, somehow. Otherwise, it seems cruel and lonely to live like this. And don’t worry, I’m not suicidal when I say this, just mentally exhausted, hurt, lonely, lost and… I just cannot understand this. I just want to belong somewhere, to know there are people who care, not feel like I could just leave and barely anybody would notice. Do I just pick wrong people? Or do they somehow feel that I’m different and they just remove me without even thinking about it? Will I always feel this way? Will it always hurt this much or will I grow cold and get used to this? Am I the only one who feels like this? I’m exhausted, confused and abandoned. I guess I wish just too much when I want to belong somewhere, although I thought that it was a simple wish.