Just Hide All Sharp Objects

I just wish for this day to be over. I need to go to sleep, I’m tired, exhausted, but just getting to bed seems like to much work. I’m being crushed by the whole world, cold. I know I’m not good enough, never was and never will be. My anxiety is on super high level and so is my depression. As always, my head is split in two parts. One knows what is going on, I’m depressed and I should take my meds, go to sleep and get some rest. The other is clouded, foggy and cold, telling me “you know you’re ill, just take a grip and get over it, you’re just pathetic, weak and I hate being part of you”. For several days I’m figting my need to punish myself, avoind sharp objects especially, although I know it would bring me peace. I despise myself, it’s not hatred, more despising, because I’m weak, terrible, not good enough. I hear this in my head all the time “you’re not enough”. I don’t even know what “enough”, I just know I’m the worst person there is. My mind brings me the need to punish myself, to find release and I’m trying to fight, even though it’s just crushing me. I can’t breathe, hiding in my bubble, pretending emotions, going through my day. It gets exhausting, thinking this is my life, this roller-coaster ride up and down and spinning, hiding, running from myself, fighting, feeling lost and cold. Sometimes I’m not sure I’m able to stand this, I don’t know if I’m strong enough, feeling like I might break any second. Why can’t I just be good enough? For myself, good enough girlfriend, friend, student, person. I try harder and harder, but it’s never enough and I don’t know what to do. I’m exhausted always trying, always fighting, pushing boundaries to just endure more days, make through this day and the next and the next… Even if I think I’m ok, I don’t know, because I just don’t know what is normal, I’ve never been normal. It’s crushing me, I can’t breathe, can’t think, yet I have to, have to study, go to work, put on my normal face, pretending that no, I’m falling apart, I’m not walking on a wall risking painful fall all the time. Will it ever end?

At times, my sanity comes back, telling me I’m ok, it will be ok, it will pass. It feels like suddenly seing clearly, breathing freely, being alive… I wish for it to last.

2011-10-13-a bad day

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