Oh Anxiety and Insomnia, Welcome Old Friends

Well, my brain is still on strike and it all still just sucks. I have anxiety attacks at least once a day and for couple of last days, insomnia visited me again. It’s a vicious circle, really. The more tired I am, the more depressed and anxious I’m and the more problems with sleep and everything I have and so on and so on… I try not to take any pills for my anxiety, because I have Rivotril and it can be addictive, so I try not to take it unless it’s really emergency, like I start to shake, being physically sick and all the “great” stuff that go along with that. And people call depressions mental illness, it’s really just a package with everything, sort of all inclusive…

The problems is, I am TIRED! I would like to go to bed, I have to go to work tomorrow! But I know this state, I will lie down and suddenly, all my tiredness will magically go away. And then I sleep badly, I wake up tired and sleep in the afternoon, it’s really like a circle. Right now, I’m trying to get myself sleepy with alcohol, that’s my old friend too… I hope it will work, because I’m tired and tomorrow (today actually) is going to be exhausting. My boyfriend is coming and I need to be nice and happy and just a good girlfriend in a time when I’m a bitch queen from hell. That’s how I describe the times, when I just bark at everyone, when I want everyone to just leave me alone, don’t talk to me, don’t expect anything, just leave me be. But the world goes on and it wants me to participate, to be great loving girlfiend, to cook meals, to communicate, to start working to school, to go to work…and it just builds inside and I want to scream and I can’t sleep, because my head is swirling with thoughts, pieces of songs and series I just can’t stop it!

Oh and don’t forget the pain. You think that mental illness can’t cause you a real pain? Well, wrong. It can and although usually it can be manageable, sometimes it’s just like something is trying to rip you into small pieces. ‘It’s these rare moments, when I try not to harm myself, sometimes unsuccesfully. I don’t want to really kill myself, I just want the pain to go away. The other option is to rip my chest apart and hope it will vaporize, but that’s a bit unrealistic. So don’t tell me I shouldn’t do it, it’s unnecessary and all that bullshit! At times, it’s the only way to survive until another day. Actually, when someone tries some good advice about my self-harming inclinations, all I hear is “you’re disgusting to me, I have no idea what you feel, but I know it better than you and so I want you to listen, I don’t want to listen to you, because you’re crazy and I don’t care a bit about how you feel, but you’re making me uncomfortable and I want you to do what I want”. I know I’m being bitchy now, but I’m exhausted!

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