Christmas is Coming, Yippee! Or Not.

I have to admit I’m quite afraid of Christmas time. I always feel pressured to be happy and feel good and I feel guilty when I’m not that happy as I think I should be. Also my parents think I should sit with them talking and watching TV, when all I want to do is make a good tea and read a book or watch a movie, alone… So I feel compelled to do what they want and not destroy Christmas and as a result, I’m tensed and upset. Or perhaps I just miss the enchanting time Christmas used to be when I was little, when I actually loved doing all that without thinking if I’m happy enough and if I’m not, what is wrong with me.

I love giving presents and thinking of the best gift, I just don’t like that I’m expected to spend with my parents, just so they would be happy. And I really don’t know how to explain that without them getting angry, because I have different needs. Somehow, people have hard time understanding, that I don’t need group of people around me all the time. I like people and I like hanging out with friends and all, but sometimes I also enjoy being completely alone. When I say this I see this “are you normal?” look, like it’s so weird that I don’t need other people to have a good time. It’s really driving me crazy! And I’m tired of explain this again and again hoping for people to understand and getting lot of hurt instead, because if I want to be alone, that means I don’t like them, I’m selfish because they want to spend time with me and I don’t want them and…!!!

I just hope that this Christmas will be calm and happy, but I guess I’m just naive.

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3 thoughts on “Christmas is Coming, Yippee! Or Not.

  1. I truly understand this one. I am very much introverted myself; yet, when I am around people I know how to be very sociable or even the “life of the party”…But only the few that truly know me, know that it doesn’t bother me to stay stuck inside my apartment with just me and my cat for 48 hours waiting for the snow to thaw out…

    I enjoy working on my autobiography and quite frankly have had to break a relationship that was going good due to this side of myself that screams for solitude. He felt hurt; however, he is mature enough to understand I need this time to myself, or else my book will never get done…

    I also enjoy my internet surfing, especially my reader here at WordPress.com. This Christmas I did for the first time in my 41 years spend it alone, without anyone but FuzzBucket, my cat. Dad came down with the flu, so I couldn’t go home and Mom felt so bad…I was like look, if we postpone it for 2 weeks, it won’t change a thing…(she can be a bit melodramatic at times). So this year I am alone and it really didn’t bother me at all. I received a few phone calls and made a few myself; but other than that, I was alone.

    Perhaps if your like me, and writing is easier than talking sometimes, then perhaps if you were to write to your parents the reason you’d rather spend Christmas alone and then after that, don’t send the letter, but use it instead to build your confidence to face them in person and just talk. I’m sure if they are loving parents, even if they don’t understand it fully, they will be glad you spoke up and told them the truth. I always value truth over hypocrisy.

    Anyways, hope your Christmas went well in spite of it all. Sincerely, LaVancia

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    • Thank you for an understanding comment! I’d like to say my Christmas went well, but I’m not sure, I feel under lot of pressure and my depressions are constantly attacking for a few days in a row… I need time for myself, but the problem is, my parents are really having hard time understanding this. I’m their second child slowly leaving home and I think that facing empty home somewhat scares them. I used to go home every weekend from school, but not this autumn, since my boyfriend moved in with me to study in the same town. I text them almost every day, call once a week… I think my mum’s attention is to let me feel she loves me, we have sort of complicated relationship and she is sort of complicated person. Luckily, my boyfriend at least tries to understand me and tries not to feel hurt when I say I enjoy being alone in our rented flat for weekend. He actually proposed, that we should spend next Christmas together, so that it would be easier for me to get through it.
      I like spending Christmas with my family, but the problem is that we have pretty small flat for four people and a cat, so I lack some “hiding place”, where I could spend a day just being on my own and “recharging”. I’m thinking of “relocating” to my boyfriend’s family and house for the rest of the year, he has a floor for himself, since his sister move out, so I can stay in her room and leave the world outside. Also it really doesn’t help that my exams are coming, it’s a lot to study, I feel exhausted and not moving forward fast enough. Christmas could have been better, but it also could have been worse. Thank you for understanding and support, it’s nice to see I’m not alone!
      I’m glad you managed to spend Christmas in the way you wanted to and relaxed.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have a friend who has a similar situation with his parents; they seem to crowd in on his time and one thing our counselor suggested is to simply set aside a specific day or two to call home and same with texting…only allow texting during certain hours on certain days…say like an hour in between classes or if you are like I was, cramming for the next hours exams in-between classes, then maybe after school is done with for an hour give your parents permission to text…

        They call it setting boundaries and I know that can be hard and difficult especially when you’re young and spreading your wings…and I’m sure you are right about your parents anxiety over the “empty-nest syndrome”…

        But if you present it to them in a careful way, (perhaps write something before you actually talk to them first would help), explain the pressures of college life and how you need to manage your time more effectively so that you’re not feeling so drained and disconnected all the time, I’m sure they will respect you for your honestly and they may fudge a bit; however, remember they are your parents and from the sounds of it, they love you very much.

        Wishing you the best,
        LaVancia

        Liked by 1 person

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