Few days ago, I went through my first diary. It was…strange. I laughed and I cried. I laughed because I was just such a typical teenage girl! So much of the entries is about boys, writing about this one and that one and how I like this guy and next month I’m so in love with other, it just made me laugh like crazy. But I also cried, because I already found there this sad and hurt little girl, that is still in me. The girl, who felt lost, lonely, not loved by her parents, always feeling not good enough, not pretty enough. The girl who grew up mentally just too fast, facing problems she wasn’t ready to face. My boyfriend told me not to read it, when it upset me. Well…it does upset me and I still have three more diaries to go through. It won’t be easy, but I need to do it. I need to accept what was, the good and the bad. And although there were entries that saddened me, I also realized, how happy I was, with my amazing best friend K. and everything. We went through problems, sure, but after reading just the first diary I felt how blessed I was to have her with me, I remember laughing over stupid things, talking about boys and sexy actors… I sort of blocked my memories of my teenage years, because all I remembered was the pain and the bad things, but while reading just this one diary I realized, that although there were many bad things, I was still pretty happy girl.
As I laughed and cried through memories of my early teenage years, I realized one thing. I need to do this, I need to go through those years again, to embrace it. I can’t just cut it out of my memory, if I want to move forward, I need to accept what was, with all the good and bad.
Because it also gave me strengh. This whole year I felt that I need to find myself, that I lost connection with who I really am. Then I read my past, all my dreams… I wanted to change the world, to be someone, I believed in myself! I just wonder, where all that went. I burried it inside, because I persuaded myself that I’m not good enough. I want to be that girl again, because that’s who I am. So I need to go to my past in order to look into the future. It’s going to be crazy and it’s going to be sad, but I believe it will be for the best. Wish me luck with it!