You know, I often wonder if life ever stops being a constant struggle. I thought that once my life settles and calms down, things will get better. I’ve even made a big progress these past months thanks to therapy, but I still struggle. Every day is a battle against my own brain, against depression and anxiety trying to hold me back.
I wish people could spend a day in my head, then they would understand, why I’m always so tired. Why things take me so long to accomplish. Why I struggle to start anything.
Before I start anything new, have to get through my brain telling me I don’t have to bother, because I’ll never achieve anything. Because I have to try twice as hard to accomplish half of what other people do. So it takes me forever to start. Which ten feeds into my anxiety that I’m just taking space on this planet. And when I actually do start, my brain naggs me that it’s not enough, it’s not fast enough, I’m not trying hard enough. Because I’m not enough. Which then feeds my depression and anxiety. Which then exhausts me and takes away the energy I could actually invest into doing anything productive.
It’s a fucking vicious circle. I wonder if it ever stops. If some day every minute won’t be a battle in my own head. I wish that sleep would bring some rest, but it usually doesn’t. That’s when my PTSD comes to life and makes me relive my bullying in various different scenarios. Or makes me have conflict with my mother.
I’m just sitting here, drinking wine and feeling so old and tired. I don’t know, if anything I¨ve just written even makes sense. It’s basically just a string of thoughts. I forgot how good it feels to write things down. To express myself. But it also makes me acknowledge my feelings. And that brings up pain. Pain caused by being alive, being exhausted, spending every day battling my own fucking brain.
Though I still keep hoping that one day, one day things will get easier.