Fading Away

2014-11-28-Surprise

Basically my life these past days, weeks, months…? I don’t even know anymore. I was radiosilent for long long looong time, I can’t even remember when was the last time I wrote a post here. But don’t worry, I’m the same mess I used to be. Yeah… I’m getting sarcastic, can’t help it. Mostly because being sarcastic and ironic is the last step before breaking.

I don’t even know where to begin. Oh, my list of meds got longer. I used to be on one, now I take a nice mix of three different antidepressants and my therapist asked me in December if I had thought about getting hospitalized, because I told her I’m numb and mostly I just want to die, because I’m exhausted and I can’t see any light in my future. I got better, at least a bit. I still want to die sometimes, mostly when I feel trapped in my life and my head, there were times when I almost admitted myself to hospital. But when I think of being alone with bunch of strangers, that’s even worse, so… Also, my cats wouldn’t understand where I am and I don’t want to hurt my babies, they had enough hardship for most of their life, I don’t want to add to that.

If you remember, I ranted here last year that the 2016 is going to be very stressful for me, because it’s a big change for me, finishing studies, getting married, looking for job, moving out of my parents for good and all that. Well… it all went mostly well, until we were supposed to move in to our new flat, because the flat wasn’t finished. So for about six months we lived with my in-laws. I like them, but living under the same roof was way to much for me.

Anyway… I got a job and then I had such bad psychosomatic symptoms that I had to quit. That really “helped” my self-esteem. I really wnted to be good at that job, it wasn’t anything great, just your standard office rat, but I would get some money and the job was ok, my co-workers were mostly nice… But within a month, I started to feel dizzy even when sitting down, I was losing balance and couldn’t concentrate at all, turned out my anxiety decided it’s time to sabotage my life yet again. Now I’m freelancer, munching money from my parents and husband, because I have yet to get enough work to earn anything. Yep, it feels great.

I’m trying hard to breath and stay above water. I’m having regular therapy sessions, I also got into group therapy, which is in another town and I had to learn to drive again. I did, I’m not super excellent driver yet, but it’s at least one success. The group therapy is terrible. I mean, it’s good, the people are nice, but it’s terrible for me. The first session I dissociated so hard I couldn’t even remember basic words and couldn’t concentrate on anything. I just mentally wasn’t there. Generally, I think the therapy will be good fo me, but I’ll tell you in April, when it’s finished.

Going to regular therapy opened a lot of wounds and it’s hard to deal with them. I accepted that I’m having PTSD from being bullied for years. I have to face the problematic relationship I have with my mother, because it’s pretty unhealthy, bit abusive and manipulative, but I know my mum doesn’t do that intentionally and I don’t want to hurt her, yet communicating with her is very unpredictable.

Sometimes, I would just love to disappear and not have to deal with all this. I would just love to feel normal.

Advertisements

Lonely Rant From a Lonely Scared Girl

Soooo…. I’m fucked up. Yeah, nice way to greet you all after such a long time. I have several post in the middle of writing, but left them. Probably finish them soon, because they are very real and accurate. But right now, it’s this.

I’m… anxious, depressed, scared, angry, there are lot of emotions in my head running wild, I’ve been fighting exhausting anxiety attack whole day. Right now, I’m drowning it in alcohol, good old alcohol. Very mature and very adult, I know. Like I’m either of those things anyway.

So what got me in such a “great” mood? I  have a job, an actual fultime job, not in my field, but earning money anyway. And I’m already screwing up. Or at least my mind is. Or my body. I can’t really tell anymore. I’m ok with the job, it’s not the best one, but I earn at least some money and not be burden for my parents. I’m not excited about the job, but I’m ok with it. But my health is getting worse. I’m trying to convince myself that it will get better that I will get used to all of that, getting up early, being with people all the time, with all their noise and emotions and all that. I’m sick and anxious every day. My hands shake, I get nauseous, light-headed, tired… it’s just… too much? And it’s scary, more than I say. Because what if I can’t work at a normal job, even if I more or less like it? I don’t want to depend on my parents. Or my husband. I want to work, why can’t I work?!

I’m scared. And angry. I didn’t choose to be like this. My bullies made me this way. They damaged me, broke me… Why do I have to pay for what they did? Why my life has to be so hard, when they are just ok? Why I have to fight for everything, when it’s not my fault that I’m like this?! It’s… scary. And exhausting. I want to work. I want to contribute to society, whatever that means. I don’t want to be a burden. But I’m damaged goods, I guess. I feel like it. I broke down today, I cried… three times? Then I took my anxiety pill. And now I’m trying to not think about it.

And it comes back, the thought asking “Why I can’t just be normal?”. Like other people, functioning adult. I…wish I was pregnant. Than my life would have direction and meaning. But my husband doesn’t want kids just yet. He wants kids, but the thought of me being pregnant right now scares him. And I thought he was the one who couldn’t wait to have a child. I’m afraid that when I get pregnant, his family will be all in our lives, controlling it and all that, they’re all so close…

What do I do? I tried to be normal, to fit in those stupid boxes, to have a normal job, work, be normal. But I’m not and what if I never am.

And Then the World Crumbles

When just going through the day is giving me anxiety, what am I supposed to do? Just hide? And what if that’s not the option?

I used to read newspaper a lot. Every Friday my dad bought it, because there was a TV program and I read it all, because I felt it was my “duty” to be informed about what’s going on. Back then, I didn’t realize, what it was all about. I was stupid and didn’t see that all this news in TV and papers was just concentrated extract of what is wrong with the world. And I didn’t see the damage it did. I felt that the whole world is falling apart, people hate each other and most of all, I wasn’t sure I want to live in such a world, in a place filled with pain, hatred and dishonesty. It contributed a whole lot to my suicidal thoughts I had at the time when I was fifteen, because it triggered me badly.

Eventually, I stopped following the news, I stopped reading it online, stopped watching TV, stopped reading it. I figured I don’t need to know everything and when there is something big, Facebook would tell me sooner or later. I did it to protect myself and my well-being. I don’t want to know. Having lunch/dinner and then watch news is like pushing a finger down my throat and throw up. Is it maybe short-sighted? Perhaps it is. Is it necessary? Absolutely. I got many times the “how are you staying informed” look. Just last weekend my sister told me that there is a coup in Turkey, just before I went to sleep. I asked her, why was she telling me that, she didn’t know. Great, thanks for triggering me for now reason…

The reason I’ writing all this is that in recent events happening around the world, I’m basically in the state of never-ending anxiety and depression. Killing, shooting and all that, I just want to hide. It’s like with every new thing part of me dies. My faith in this world dissolves and I’m slowly dying, because I just can’t stand the pain. These last weeks were terrible and I guess more is coming. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard, when people panic, saying the world as we know it is going to end and we’re heading into disaster and that’s just what my brain loves and my soul hates…

Meanwhile, the Humanitarian Crisis in Venezuela

Venezuela, you know, one of the states in South America.

And this pretty small state is in dire economic and humanitarian crisis. The government there is trying to safe face and is pretending there is no crisis. We in an animal support group have gathered money and resources for our friend there, who helps and rescues cats and dogs and doesn’t have medicine or food for them or herself. We meant to send the shipment via maritime shipment, but that takes more time. If we want to get the pet food and supplies for Sol to get there before August 1st, we need air mail, but that costs much more.

I beg you all to please donate here for our YouCaring campaign, so we can ship the things in a few days and get there to our friend before it’s too late. And I also beg you all to share this story, share what’s happening there, spread the word, so the politicians in Venezuela and everywhere do something about this desperate situation.

I leave with the words our friend today posted:
“Guys, everyone who has participated in the food and goods donation: there has been a very unfortunate turn of events regarding the shipment.
A new law that will be enforced as of August 1st, will forbid all medicine, personal use items and food entering the country, even if by private courier.
They already confiscate or steal all that comes through regular ports, but this new rule includes couriers, no matter if the shipments and its contents have been paid for already. The authorities will just take them away (probably to sell them in their black market).
This because the constant flux of goods being shipped to Venezuela by private couriers, reforces the notion that there is a crisis in Venezuela that the government desperately tries to deny. (A lot of Venezuelans have fled the country, and they send goods to their families left behind).
This leaves us with only 11 days to get the shipment here, and a maritime shipment takes from 15 to 20 days. Meaning the shipment won’t be here on time, and it will be retained in customs 😦 The only way we could get it here on time is via air, which takes only a week, but costs double.
I’d hate to think all the time, money and effort we have dedicated to these donations will end up in the hands of the crooks we tried to keep them from, in the first place.
Please keep in mind that this government is taking everything from us, and now it’s time to rob us from the opportunity of being helped out.
Thank you so much again, for everything everyone has already done, if maybe anybody can help again we would be forever grateful,
The youcaring link is still active, if you can’t help, please share it so maybe someone else can, we need to fly the shipment by Friday July 22nd at most!

Thank you so much, once more!”

The Price of Sanity

I’ve made really not very pleasant discovery last week and that is what it costs to have long-term therapy.

I was seeing therapist for almost a year in my university town and it was great, it helped me a lot and the therapist was amazing. And it was covered by my insurance, which was also great help. Unfortunately, everything ends and so did my therapy, because in June I moved back to my home. So I went to see my psychiatrist here and asked for recommendation of new therapist, because the last one advised me to continue with the sessions. And I learned that I could get insurance payed one, but only short-term, which means about ten sessions and that’s it. If I want long term, I have to pay for it myself and it’s not small amount.

Personally, I think I could afford at least two sessions per month, that’s not the problem. I have the money, so I’m ok. But it got me thinking about the whole big picture. Imagine someone is having really bad depression and/or anxiety and it prevents them from having a regular job and supporting themselves. They are short of money and they are told that they get only ten sessions covered by insurance and if they want or need long-term therapy, they have to pay for it full. Which they can’t, because they can’t have a full-time job, so they don’t have the money to pay for the therapy that could help the get full-time job and get money and so on.

I guess other insurance companies might have better options, but honestly, I don’t believe it much. The one in my college town was probably only covered because it was in a support center for children and young adults. And I don’t know what is the solution, what is the way to get the help and support mentally ill people need. I just know it makes me sad and angry…

Trigger Me

I’ve been radio silent for some time, mostly because I’m trying to hide from everything. Well, from life. I graduated from university. I should be happy, I guess. But now comes the adult part and the reason I mostly hide.

Pretty often people ask me, if I have a job already or how does the job searching going. And I’m obliged to reply that I’m still unemployed. And I feel like an idiot, because the truth is, the whole thing is triggering my anxiety massively. Job searching consists of contacting strangers, meeting with strangers and ultimately going to job for several hours a day. Just the contacting scares me, but the prospect of meeting strangers terrifies me, because I hate meeting new people. I get nervous, don’t know what to say and that’s not the best for job interview, which basically consist of questions… And then the reality of having to go to work. I guess it doesn’t help that adults around me have been assuring me that I’ll never have enough time for anything anymore and I won’t have any money and so on. So it all has gone so far that actually just mentioning the job searching triggers pretty bad anxiety.

And recently I’ve been having vivid nightmares again, mostly about job and future, but also about children. About me being mother. It usually goes the way that I realized that I haven’t fed the baby for hours or days, I haven’t seen it, I realize I might have just killed it. Or that I held the baby in some bad way and I hurt it possibly for life. Last night I’ve dreamed about the neglect thing and also that I was in psychiatric ward after the birth and everybody was just looking at me like I’m piece of shit. And I wasn’t even able to feel something for the baby, like it wasn’t mine. And today almost every time I reload facebook, what do I see? My sister-in-law’s ultrasound of her baby, she posted it and now she and her husbands are replying to the congratulations. So it’s there, most of the day, triggering me over and over and over again.

Also the fact that it seems that everyone has their shit together and I’m just sitting here, wasting my life. No job, no money, just waste of space. And rapid mood swings. Seriously, it’s terrible, my mood is changing pretty rapidly, even my psychologist asked me about it several times, it changes sometimes few times a day. If I’m lucky, I have the same mood at least for one day. Also I think my anxiety is getting worse in general and that’s not good at all.

So mostly, I just pretend I’m not here and there is no future. No job, no strangers, no “you’ll never have time and money and never be happy”, no adult life.

I Guess I’m the Black Sheep

If you follow my posts even just a little bit, you can see a trail of one particular thing. I don’t feel very comfortable on family gatherings, more or boyfriend’s. They usually end up talking about everything that’s bad and it’s mentally exhausting for me and the anxiety I get from that isn’t really worth the effort of enduring it. Take today, for example.

My grandpa is turning 85 on Wednesday, so we went to visit him and grandma, congratulate him and spend some time with them. And my sister, father and mother managed to show their best ability, which is complaining. Especially my sister and my mother.

I asked my grandma for address of my aunt and cousin, because I want to send them wedding announcement, when we finish them. My grandma asked, if we’re going to send them soon, she was just curious. So my mother answered before me, that we’re surely wouldn’t be sending them so soon, because the wedding is in August. Yes, in August, when people plan vacations, and on Friday, workday that requires working people to take the day off for us. Logically, I want to let them soon, before most of them have the summer filled with various travels and won’t be able to come. But my mum was like I was nuts and went on how it’s so early and why do I want to send not the announcement to people I don’t expect to actually attend the wedding, why not send it later. Which totally makes sense, really… Bazinga, it doesn’t! There are so many things to do that I really don’t want to remember, who got the invitation in March and who should get it in summer or something. My mother finally shut up when I got pretty pissed and just said that I’m not going to complicate it by sending it in parts. Not that that was the end.

Somehow, they got to my mother’s favorite topic, which is how horrible our town is. I’m not gonna say it’s perfect, no place probably is, but she complains so often about this that I’m so fed up with it! And not only her, my dad is glad I have wedding in church, because he won’t have to have the mayor marry me. I don’t mind him saying this, except in the last several months, I’ve heard it so many times I’m really fed up with that too. My mum is expert in complaining, but she gets so pointlessly angry about this issue, that I just want to yell at her, that if she’s so angry with all this, that she should stop complaining and do something about it! She also always add how terrible our local post office is, that they’re incompetent and she has to wait there long time for the people to find her packages and so on. Surprisingly, I rarely have these problems, or perhaps I don’t notice them so much, but she’s angry about it every single time. I guess you really get what you expect, don’t you, mother?

Oh and the latest hit, the immigrant crisis in Europe, I can’t forget that! I’m sort of in the middle, I know there are people just trying to abuse the system, also perhaps terrorists and so on, but there are also people in real danger, running from war and ruined homes, who just want place to live and work in peace. But my sister and parents are so filled with media coverage of this issue, that they see terrorist on every corner. And they talk about it, a lot. Today, my sister tried to “convert” me with some stories her friend from England told her and when I wasn’t eager to join her, even dared to oppose he, she got more and more agitated, until I had to simply say that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I have a feeling that they think the world is ending or something. Doesn’t help that today my sister read the “sensational” news about England perhaps leaving the European Union…

At that point, I was tired with them and upset, so I just told that I’m tired with them talking disasters and complaining and decided to change the topic. I mean, it was my grandpa’s celebration and they couldn’t just keep their mouths shut! They seemed hurt that I interrupted their litanies, but at least I stopped them. It’s “funny” that my mother sometimes complains that I don’t spend enough time with them, that I talk to them and so on, but honestly, spending time with them is exhausting. I can’t have normal conversation with them! Well, I can with my dad, when we’re alone, which is rarely, but with my sister or my mother? Yeah, sure… It’s like walking in a maze, where you don’t know what to say, where to turn, so you wouldn’t step on some hidden trap and set the complains in motions. So I pretty much stopped trying to walk the maze at all.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend’s family is very similar in this aspect, which is why I try to leave their gatherings as soon as possible. It’s sad, because I’ve always wanted to belong to my family and when that failed, I was desperate to fit in my boyfriend’s family, but I’m so tired of trying. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable and anxious… My psychologist helped this a lot. We were working on my problem with the families a lot these past weeks, she was trying to tell me I can be myself, that I don’t have to desperately try to fit somewhere I simply cannot. She knows how my I’ve tried to suppress myself over the years, just to fit, just to be loved and good enough, but honestly, I have not energy left for trying. It also helped that when I discussed this is my facebook support group, I’ve realized how many people feel the same way I do. It’s hard, because my sister seems to fit just fine with my parents and my boyfriend’s family have pretty close bond, so for long long looooong time, I felt that there’s something wrong with me for not being able to fit in. I guess I’m ready to really be myself, I just hope it will last, because it hurts me so much to feel that I’m always standing out of every group, like I’m some dysfunctional human being.